Hans Georg Schultz quotes from Hogan's Heroes

Schultz

Carter, please. You could put me into lots of trouble. They might send me to the Eastern Front.

Carter

Gee, I wouldn't want that to happen.

Schultz

That's not the worst of it. They might give me 10 days leave!

Carter

What's wrong with that, for pete's sake?

Schultz

I would have to spend it with my wife.

Schultz

Colonel Hogan! I'm too old to parachute-jump!

Hogan

Never too old, Schultz. Come on.

Schultz

Colonel Hogan! I'm too big to parachute-jump!

Hogan

Now there you have a point.

Hogan

That's two shots; they killed themselves. Come on.

Schultz

Colonel Hogan, if they are dead, what is the hurry?

Klink

Now, Schultz, I want you to treat me as you would any private under your command. Understood?

Schultz

Understood.

Klink

I don't want any special favors, any special treatment, any-

Schultz

You are a private?

Klink

Yes, I am.

Schultz

Shut up!

Klink

How dare you tell me-

Schultz

Achtung! Eyes front! Put the helmet straight! Chest out, stomach in! Answer only when you're spoken to!

Klink

Jawohl!

Schultz

Jawohl, what?

Klink

Jawohl, Herr Feldwebel!

Schultz

That's better! About face! Fall in with the rest of them, you dummkopf! [Klink falls in with the other guards; Schultz turns to Hogan blissfully] Oh, it feels so good!

Klink

Repoooort!

Schultz

Herr Kommandant, all present and accounted for.

Klink

Good. Now, men, I have a very important announcement to make.

Newkirk

Hey, they're gonna surrender!

LeBeau

Good move!

Carter

Hey, the Krauts are gonna surrender!

Who told you?

Carter

I just heard it!

Klink

Colonel Hogan, control your men!

Hogan

I can't, sir, the news of your surrender is-

Klink

Who said anything about a surrender?

Hogan

You did.

Klink

When?

Hogan

Just now, you used the word yourself.

Klink

Only to deny it!

Hogan

Well, I had to start somewhere.

Klink

Silence!

Hogan

Okay, men, the surrender's off!

Klink

Now I've just had word that General Stauffen of the Fuehrer's headquarters will personally visit Stalag 13. I expect every prisoner in this camp to clean up and look neat.

Newkirk

Can't do it. Somebody stole me mascara brush!

Schultz

There's a new general in command of the military district. Tomorrow, he will be here for inspection.

Hogan

I can hardly wait.

Schultz

The orders are to clean up the barracks-

-Clean up the compound, and clean up yourself!

General, what is it?

Are my eyes deceiving me? No, it couldn't be- [Turns to Klink] That sergeant standing over there-?

You mean Schultz?

It is! Hans!

Schultz

Can it be? Ach, du lieber! Lieutenant Kammler!

How good to see you!

Schultz

Oh, Lieutenant! Ah, you are a General!

Yes, yes, and you are a sergeant- well, Germany makes lots of mistakes.

Schultz

No mistake. You were always a very bright boy!

We fought together in the first war. At the Ardennes, and at Ypres. I was just a young lieutenant; I didn't know anything at all. Schultz saved my life.

Charming!

Yes, yes. Charming.

And here we are, Hans, two German soldiers fighting another war!

Schultz

Keeps us out of trouble!

Klink

I don't care what you do with it just get building 12 ready for these officers!

Schultz

Jawohl Herr Kommandant! [Opens office door.] Beer is not important?

Schultz

LeBeau! Wake up, LeBeau!

LeBeau

I'm sleeping. Come back in an hour.

Schultz

An hour?! Are you crazy? You're an escaped prisoner, let's go!

Sergeant Schultz

How dare you come here, and disturb a general of the Third Reich.

Only doing our duty, sir. We had no idea that you were-

Schultz

Oh, you- you had no idea. You didn't know that a general might want to spend an afternoon with his, uh, with his, uh-

Niece.

Schultz

Niece. Thank you, darling.

I assure you, General, we had no intention of intruding upon your privacy.

Schultz

No. You didn't! Should it ever happen again, I will report you to your superior officer, and then to his superior officer, and then even to his superior officer! I will report it all the way up, until it comes back to me! And if I ever... report it to myself... [Growls] Are you going to be in trouble.

They have gone!

Schultz

They did? Why did you let them go?!

Klink

Now, Hogan, I want you to know that this will not go unpunished. Right, Schultz? [Schultz isn't paying attention] Right, Schultz?!

Schultz

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! Someone will be punished!

Klink

The one who is responsible, right, Schultz?

Schultz

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant, the one who is responsible!

Klink

The one who is to see to it that lights out are at the proper time. Right, Schultz?

Schultz

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant, the one who is to see to it... [Realizes] that lights out...

Klink

I'll take your three-day pass now.

Schultz

This place is finally getting to you.

Newkirk

Nea-ha-ha-ha! Whatever gave you that idea, Schultz?

Klink

Now, Hogan, who is this woman?!

Hogan

I have no idea.

Schultz

I don't know, either.

Klink

I didn't ask you!

Schultz

I thought you might like to know.

Klink

Silence!

Schultz

Jawohl, mein Colonel! [Salutes Hogan]

[Shakes his head] Oh, Schultz, you idiot, you don't salute him, he's your prisoner! And see to it that it stays that way!

Schultz

[Salutes Klink] Jawohl, mein Kommandant!

And bring Carter back! Diiismissed!

Schultz

Colonel Hogan. What are we really going to do?

Hogan

Well, Schultz-

Schultz

Tell me nothing!

Why did you keep calling from a beer hall?

Schultz

Because there was a phone?