[Rough housing with Babs and Dick, body flipping him on the floor] And... you're both dead! Come on. You can do better than that! [Punches Barbara in chest]
BGBabs Grayson
What the heck?! That was dangerously close to my nipples! [Harley gets Barbara into a headlock and noogies her head]
Toughen up! You think real villains are about giving you a titty twister?! [Grabs Dick by nipples and throws him on floor] Think again!
DGDick Grayson
I want my bat stun gun!
If you want a weapon, look around! Everything's a weapon!
BGBabs Grayson
Fine. What about my belt that Amelie poked four extra holes in?
Horrible choice for fashion. Great choice for weapon. [Garrotes Babs's neck with belt]
DGDick Grayson
What about cheese balls? There were several on the floor this morning! I nearly broke my neck. Those Euro scum are trying to kill me!
Okay, paranoid, I'm sure it's just a Swedish tradition. [Points] Be... respectful!
YYonas
[Pokes head in door] Hello! Do you recommend any Thai food?
BGBabs Grayson
It's in the binder, Jonas!
YYonas
"Yonas"! Thanks, ya. [Draws head back out]
CJCommissioner James Gordon
[In a mountain cabin with wife in winter] When Mayor Joker disbanded the police and launched me into forced retirement, I didn't know what I was gonna do. From the ashes that are my career, and that phoenix is you Barbara.
BBarbara
Ooh, I can't wait to make love to you [gets on top of him] for the first time in 20 years.
...
CJCommissioner James Gordon
[Answers phone] Yello?
Hey, it's Nora Freeze, nee Jacobsen, executive assistant to the CEO of the Legion of Doom. Charmed, I'm sure.
CJCommissioner James Gordon
Uncharmed! Wha'd'ya want?!
Well, the LOD needs a security guard, and I found your resume taped to a dartboard at Noonan's So you want the job?
CJCommissioner James Gordon
Yes! I accept! [Chuckles] Oh, my God. Thank you. I was going crazy in retirement! Passionate lovemaking with the woman of my dreams is too much pressure for this ol' sack! [Gets up and grabs jacket while just in bathrobe]
BBarbara
What's going on, baby?
CJCommissioner James Gordon
Duty calls, mon cherie! [Goes out door and gets on snowmobile] Whoo-hoo! [Rides off] Jimmy G's back baby!
BBarbara
How am I supposed to get down from here? [Sighs and puts hands to hips and head] Oh, Barbara.
Remember this binder from when we fought the CleggBnB guest? Man, that was amazing! I mean, look, it still has some of Yonas's pubes on it!
Harley, maybe focus on the mission?
I was thinking that too! Where are you guy's friendship bracelets?
[Leaps off rooftop with Batgirl and Robin] We're not wearing them because we're not friends! [Proceeds to assault common thugs in alleyway] We're just super people who fight crime together!
[Leaps onto a thug] Of course we're friends! Just like my old crew! [Points to each crew member ignoring her] Batgirl, you're King Shark! Robin, you're Psycho! Uh, [punches a thug in face] Nightwing, [punches a thug in face] you are Clayface, [kicks a thug in face] because of what a drama queen you are!
Stop talking while we're fighting!
...
I never realized how bad my night vision was till I started sneaking around in the shadows with you. [Gasps] It does explain why I went down on Ivy's armpit. Meh, she still got there.
...
RRobin
[Harley bumps into him] Dude, watch where you're going!
Okay, okay. I see what's going on. You haven't let me into your hearts because my eyes suck. [Pokes Nightwing's abdomen]
[Runs to thug running with a warehouse pallet] I'll protect you! [Jumps past thug and knocks herself out on a pipe]
SSupergirl
[Harley wakes up] The LASIK went great! [Puts sunglasses on her] Your night vision is now 20/20!
Thank you for the hero discount! I cannot wait to surprise the Bat family with my new eyes! If they're willing to see how far I'm willing to go to be better, maybe they'll reciprocate and wear my bracelet.
SSupergirl
Mmm-hmm. We called your emergency contact to pick you up, but her assistant said you were unavailable. She also said parting my hair like this makes me look matronly. But she couldn't see me, right?
Ugh, yeah. Nora. [Holds up phone] Let me try, Ivy. Call soulmate peach emoji sweat droplets emoji devil horn smile.
CCaptain Cold
[Poison walks up to him and Nora] There's the woman who conquered the moon. Saw you with Steppenwolf. [Makes gesture] Big ups.
[Holds up gift basket] This is from Talia Al Ghul.
Aw, this pretzel gun is so realistic. [Holds it up] Look at that.
CCaptain Cold
The bullets are cookies!
So, while I was gone, what'd I miss?
I don't know. I thought when you were off, I was off. [Walks away]
Hey, careful where you those guns! They kill the waistline!
Oh, Lex. You look very taut! Your hair looks spiky and your cheeks are very much higher up!
[Lunges at her for a deep hug] Get over here, girly!
You killed it at the conference!
Really? Because you seemed a little mad when you screamed at everyone to get off your moon.
Oh, sudden rage is a side effect of forcing my body to accept falcon DNA. I came here to help bring you to the next level. I'm gifting you my PR team. [They approach] The Jons. They're the best in the biz.
Thank you, Lex. That's very generous. And also for you guys, love how all of your shoes are a slightly different shade of brown.
J1Jon 1
[Gasps] They're chestnut.
J4Jon 4
Milk chocolate, but the European kind.
I really don't think I need a PR team. I think the work speaks for itself.
J1Jon 1
[Holds up gesture of a phone] Ring, ring, ring, ring. Uh, hello? Delusion. Girl, how'd you get this number? Excuse me, Ivy, it's for you.
[Poison Ivy is at a spa with members of Evil Women in Business Collective]
LLivewire
Wow! Nightbitch is dead!
VGVeronica Gale
Another hero down! And on your watch, Ivy! It's a good thing I'm in the tub, because I'm soaked!
Ugh, I should call Harley!
No, the most important thing is to get your condolence statement out there. [To Spa staff] Bring us our phones. Veronica, you're starting to look too amazing. Get out before it turns you crazy.
VGVeronica Gale
Aah! You already posted six hours ago! You are on top of it! How long have you known?
Wait, what? Let me see that. [Takes phone from Veronica and reads aloud] "Thank you to everyone who's been reaching out about Nightwing's death. As I sit here in my power caftan, I feel grateful for the guidance of my dear mentor; Lex Luthor". I did not write that!
VGVeronica Gale
Who has access to your account?
Oh, my God. My PR team. My PR team!
VGVeronica Gale
They need to run things by you first.
LLivewire
My team always gives me three options. Funny, sassy, horny.
Wait, you don't give all your passwords and your PINs and your keys to your PR team?
VGVeronica Gale
The only person who has my PIN lives in a cage under my kitchen table.
Shit. I... I need to have a talk with The Jons.
VGVeronica Gale
Uh, wow, girl. Where would you even be without the Evil Women in Business Collective? [Giggles with all clinking glasses]
[At kitchen table with Bethany, Benicio and Sophia] Thank you, uh, for gathering for this family meeting. I have a big announcement. It's muy importante.
BBenicio
So embarassing. Just speak full Spanish or full English.
Kids, Bethany, mi amor. [Rises up with hands in air] I'm going to back to villainy!
BBethany
Ay, pero, this is a big change. The kids just got used to the chore wheel.
SSophia
Screw the chore wheel.
BBethany
What about our health insurance?
I'll blow up any hospital that sends us a bill.
SSophia
Will you blow up my PE coach?
BBenicio
Can I have some poison gas for my science project? [Joker laughs maniacally]
BBethany
There's a cashier at More For Lex who's never told me to have a nice day.
So it's settled! Who wants to go steal some soft serve?
BSBenicio and Sophia
Yeah! [Bethany starts maniacally laughing with Benicio and Sophia joining in then Joker all standing up with same outspread claw hands]
[Walks in Ivy's apartment with a box calling for Ivy] Ive? Ivy? Guess who's moving in? [Sees Frank] Frank?! What.. what are you doing here?! I thought you lived at the office?!
I did until those Jons tried to get rid of me. They sent me to some fucking place called "Bialiya" to be "repotted". Luckily, I escaped by eating a truck driver.
The Jons?! Ugh! I don't even know what's going with Ivy anymore. I mean, wait. Does she still have red hair? Tell me everything.
Ooh. The NDA they made me sign is as strong as the truck driver's will to live. I shouldn't have said anything about Bialiya.
Uh, hey, Frank, I'm gonna aw up for Ivy, okay? [Sets box on floor, sits in sofa seat and falls asleep]
[To Harley asleep holding a knife impaled pillow] Bitch! Wake up! You sleep-stabbed all the pillows!
Then you kicked the TV! I was watching Bobby Flay make a goddamn turkey burger! You opened up every closet and you screamed for 60 seconds! You know how many closets there are up in this bitch?! Then you shaved Catwoman's favorite cat! Then you tried to use me as a mannequin to see all of Catwoman's earrings, even though I kept telling you I don't have fucking earlobes! Man, I never seen sleepwalking like that.
Sleepwalking? Wait, wait, is Ivy here?
No, she just dropped in and changed from her spa blazer to her business blazer. Then she tripped over on that box on the way out. She was so goddamn pissed at whoever left it there. Don't worry, though. I covered for you.
She didn't even notice I was here?
That's how covering works. You're welcome. [Retracts back fully into his planting pot]
MMan
[At Poison Ivy statue fountain holding a coin] I wish I has a single shred of self-respect. [Baby shark leaps out and bites off hand] Why?!
[Runs over] What's with all this hubbub?!
MMan
That shark stole my wish! [Falls down dead]
NNanaue
Daddy's coming! [Leaps into fountain splashing out water level] My babies!
[Baby sharks are all biting on his fingers] Oh, look at these pups sucking on my cocktail weenies! I forgot what a good dad I am!
NNanaue
[Walks over to James] Oh, I am so sorry! I really thought I could be a working single dad like one of those romcoms where it's challenging at first, but at the end of a fun montage, you balance it all.
[To Nanaue holding all his baby sharks] Look me in the eye! You can do this! Dads can have it all!
NNanaue
So, how did you do it?
Great question. I'll show you.
[Walks into room, sniffs and sneezes] Ugh!
J1Jon 1
Oh, uh, I... Ivy! You're back early!
Yeah, go ahead and give me my passwords to my socials and my laptop. Also, why do all of my bras have underwire now?
J2Jon 2
Excuse me, if there's no wire, it's an bralette.
Wait, there's more of you?
J1Jon 1
Yes, there is so much to do. [Snarls and cellular divides another replicant with squelching and a The Jon cuts the umbilical cord] Ta-da! [Jon 6 gasps] Jon, tell this boss bitch her new schedule. [Groans and gets off table]
J6Jon 6
[Opens binder and reads aloud] Your line of business corsets is about to drop so you'll be appearing on Good Evening Bludhaven. [A jon holds up an outfit]
J1Jon 1
And you'll need to take photos with the Poison Ivy doll once they're reissued with less realistic buttholes.
J2Jon 2
But, yay, top of your agenda, judging the first annual Lil' Poison Miss Ivy contest! That's right, sis! You're ready to appear with children! [The Jons applaud]
J3Jon 3
It's the coup de grace for PR.
J4Jon 4
If you hook 'em when their brains are mushy, you'll have a little Ivy Army to debone frackers and we'll be the most powerful PR team in the world.
Yeah, so I'm not going to be doing a kiddie pageant.
J5Jon 5
No pageant, no problem.
Uh... [grunts and walks out door, glances at phone with news headline notifications reading; "Ivy's a-choo snafu" and "why it's okay to hate women who sneeze" with unflattering pics of herself, she glances at The Jons through a window with dramatic slide views of Jon 1 and her eyes] That's it! Those fuckers are done!
[Using camera to trim nose hairs] You are one sexy muchacho!
[Bursts in causing James to lose balance and have scissors rammed up nose] Gordon! I need your help!
[Grabs James and throws him into chair] Listen, I was here last night for the Nightwing's dead party, and I saw another Harley! I gotta know if I'm losing my fucking mind! So, can we please check the security cameras now?
You know, I thought I saw my doppelganger once, but it was just a plate of carne asada and nachos atop a trash can.
[Looks at monitor] Who the hell is this?
Get ready for some cuteness. [Plays footage]
RJRecording James Gordon
[Shooting camera of baby shark playing with handgun] Okay? Give daddy back his gun now. [Baby shark discharges firearm into camera]
Hey! This is my... you find what you need?
Hey, where is the rest of the footage?!
I got some bathroom stuff, some make-out stuff. [Shoves James and kicks over a monitor in frustration] The rest, I kind of taped over.
[Grabs James shirt and gets on his lap] So fucking worthless! When I'm looking for something... I need to know what's happening to me! Gordon, do I seem insane to you?!
Obviously, guys, I've been owning the game, lately.
TTerra
Fucking owning it, and all the haters along the way.
But we don't want to have owned it. We want to always be, present tense, owning it. Right?
ABOI. Always be owning it.
No, no, no. That sounds like BO in the middle. Not everything needs to be a thing. Anyway, the Legion of Super-Heroes time-sphere is being moved to The Smithsonian at 3:00 p.m. And we are going to hijack it. [Legion of Doomettes cheer]
TTerra
Sick! A time-sphere. I'm going to visit past atrocities and learn how to do them better.
THTefé Holland
I'd love to go back and tell my younger self that snake-eye contacts are more weird than intimidating.
I can go back in time and do extra work without missing any work.
Okay, guys, we're not actually going to use the time-sphere. I just want it 'cause like, it's going to look really cute on my wall. Total power move.
Everyone, shut up! I have news! I'm starving! What are we doing for lunch?! Volcana, don't you dare; "you're fine with anything", again! I'd rather have a bad suggestion like all the one Tefé gives.
Okay, screw you. I'm ordering gyros again. Oh, and they moved up the time-sphere transfer to, like, right now.
Oh, shit. We gotta go. [Poison, Tefé and Volcana run]
THTefé Holland
Wait. I'm not paying the delivery fee myself.
[To Batgirl on the computer in the Batcave] Batgirl, I need to have a very one-sided conversation about my mental state. So, could you... hello?!
Sorry, what?! I can't hear anything with my headphones on. They're for busy girls in loud places, see? [Shows headphone reading "BUSY GRRRLS LOUD PLACES"]
So, um, I just wanna, like, talk about last night.
Weird. You didn't bring this up two hours ago when you brought me half an egg sandwich.
I did?! I don't remember doing that or eating half an egg sandwich?! Oh, my God. I'm really losing it?!
Okay. Well there's nothing to talk about. I had a nice cold shower, and I'm totally good now.
Okay. Well, cool. But I am totally not good. I'm more...
I don't think Joker murdered Nightwing. [Gets up]
It doesn't add up. If Joker really did it, why would he wait an entire day to tell everyone?
Oh, my God! You're right! He really is the worst at keeping secrets! I mean, he always tells the kids where the afikomen is hidden at passover!
We gotta prove Joker's lying or no one will believe us when we find the actual murderer. Whoa! You look like do-do!
Right! That's, kind of, what I was hoping to talk to you about.
Okay, sorry. But I can't be the friend you need right now. I owe it to Nightwing to find the real killer. Can't you talk to Ivy? I'm trying to respect her boundaries and not to bother her with this stuff. Because, you know, she's been busy with...
Awesome. You're the best. Thank you. [Walks away]
GGGorilla Grodd
Good to have you back in the poker game! An evil game!
Killing Nightwing. Very tight!
Moral politics was fun! But you can't change the soul of a villain!
So quotable, you're going to slay on my podcast!
[Answers phone] Excuse me. James Corden.
Don't cover the phone. I know Corden.
Oh, you want me to host one of your little musical-comedy traffic jams? Co-host. Hmm? Yeah. Sharing isn't really my thing. Little shit is trying to leach off my comeback.
God, he's a needy motherfucker.
Oh, it's my deal. Gotta go. Bye bye. [Wins the jackpot] It's good to be back boys. [Hugs the jackpot] House always wins.
