Sam Evans quotes from Glee

So this is what the ladies lounge looks like on the inside

Sam

This is the choir room. Now put up your hands cause you and I are gonna do some dancing.

Finn

No, I got this, Sam.

Sam

That's my James Earl Jones impression.

Santana

That is offensive. He shot Martin Luther King.

Rachel

[burps] It tastes like pink. It tastes like pink! PINK!

Kurt

[dancing and talking to Finn] Are you not drinking?

Finn

No. Designated driver. What about you?

Kurt

I'm still trying to impress Blaine. Can't get too sloppy. [looks at Blaine]

Blaine

[dancing crazily]

Kurt

Clearly he doesn't have the same concern.

Blaine

Hey, it is so cool that you and Kurt are brothers...Like brothers. Wow. You're so tall.

Kurt

Are you having fun, Blaine?

Blaine

Yeah. This is the best party ever!

Rachel

Finny, dance with me. [dances with Finn] We had it going on, right? I wasn't making it up or anything? I'd do anything for you. Anything.

Finn

[lets go of Rachel] Okay Rachel, since this is your first time at this, I'm going to break it down for you. [sits down with Rachel]

Rachel

Okay.

Finn

Guys and girls fall into certain archetypes when they get drunk. Exhibit A: Santana, the weepy, hysterical drunk.

Santana

[crying] You like her more than me! She's blond and awesome and so smart. Admit it! Just admit it!

Sam

[confused]

Santana

No kiss me! [kisses Sam]

Finn

Lauren Zizes and Quinn, the anger girl drunks.

Quinn

I can't believe what you did to my body! I used to have abs!

Back off!

Lauren

Who told you that hairstyle was cool? Geronimo?

Chill out!

Finn

Brittany, the girl who also turns into a stripper drunk.

Brittany

[dancing]

Artie

[throwing money into the air] Makin' it rain! [laughing] That's my girlfriend. I love you babe.

Finn

Mercedes and Tina, happy girl drunks.

[laughing hysterically]

Finn

And then we come around full circle right back to you, Rachel. And right now you're being the needy girl drunk. Hanging all over me, being overly lovey. It's not cool.

Rachel

[frowns and pats Finn's back] What-What kind of girl is this? [stands up] Let's play spin the bottle!

Santana

You know what? A reminder. I owns that guppy mouth. Those shoddy Aerosmith lips belong to me, so.

Sam

[kisses Brittany]

Brittany

[looking at the audience] You guys, I'm really nervous. Ke$ha has been a culture icon for weeks and I really wanna do her music justice.

Sam

We haven't had enough rehearsal.

Mercedes

Or any at all.

Finn

And most of our assembly performances usually end in some kind of riot.

Rachel

Never fear, teammates. [hands plastic cups to everyone] Now it's a Broadway tradition for nervous performers to take a shot of whiskey before going on to calm their nerves and to mask the stench of bad dental hygiene. [pours her drink in each cup] In that tradition, I have mixed us a playful showbiz cocktail of what was left in my dad's liquor cabinet. There's some Brandy and Vermouth, Portwine, and Scotch in here and also some Kool-aid and some crumbled up Oreos.

Santana

Oh my God, this tastes like cough syrup.

Rachel

There's also cough syrup in here.

Will

All right, folks. Regionals is in a week. It's time to get deep into our set list. Artie? You okay?

Artie

[still in shock] My life is over. How am I suppose to support a baby? [turns to Brittany] How could you not tell me about this?

Will

Wait, Brittany, are you pregnant?

Brittany

Definitely. I'm so sorry, Artie. I didn't want to upset you. I thought I could surprise you when I dropped him off. I'm pretty sure it's a boy.

Um, babies don't get dropped off.

Will

Wait, Brittany, have you been to a doctor yet? That's the only way to be sure.

Brittany

I don't need to go to a doctor. I just need to look outside my window. Three days ago, a stork built its nest on top of my garage. I'm not stupid. It's obviously getting ready to bring me my baby. I know where babies come from.

Santana

[looks at Brittany in shock]

Sam

[smiles and shakes his head]

Santana

This is a song I wrote for Sam. It's called "Trouty Mouth".

Sam

[frowns] Wait, what's it called?

Mike

Trouty Mouth.

Sam

[stops Santana from singing] Okay, could we stop? Stop with the mouth jokes.

Santana

Sit down. I'm not finished.

Sam

Yes you are! Mr. Schue, we are not doing a song at Regionals called Trouty Mouth.

Sam

Why didn't you tell us?

We did.

Santana

Hold up, could we all just get real here for a second? I hear that Rachel has a bit of a schnoz. I mean I wouldn't know because like Medusa I try to avoid eye contact with her. But can we all just stop lying about how there aren't things we don't want to change about ourselves? I'm sure that Sam has been at the doctor's office and riffled through pamphlets on mouth reductions. I'll bet Artie's thought about getting his legs removed since he's not really using them anyway. And I'm definitely sure Tina has looked into eye de-slanting.

Tina

That's extraordinarily racist.

Santana

Just keeping it real.

Tina

Sorry Santana, I'm a beautiful person. I'm in love with myself and I would never change a thing.

Mike

Is that why you're wearing blue contacts today, Tina? [whispers] Self hating Asian.

Tina

Not too many Asian sex symbols, Mike. I'm just trying to mirror what I see in magazines.

Finn

My dancing kind of bothers me. It almost killed Rachel but I like the way I look.

Santana

Oh please. You have weird puffy pyramid nipples.

Sam

[tries to look at Finn's nipples]

Finn

[slaps Sam's hand away]

Santana

They look like they're filled with custard. Or you could dust them off with powdered sugar and pass it off as some sort of dessert. Look, maybe Rachel is fine with having an enormous beak. Maybe she needs it to crack hard seeds. All I'm saying is if you look in the mirror and you don't like what you see, you should change it.

Mercedes

Well guys, [looks at her watch] it's noon. Which means, it's official.

Sam

What's official?

Kurt

My transfer! Kurt Hummel is back at McKinley!

Rachel

Hey.

Sam

Why are you talking to me?

Rachel

Can't I say hello?

Sam

I guess, it's just, Santana told me never to speak alone with you because you would try to steal all of my gold.

Finn

This was Jean's favorite song.

Sam

[turns on a television]

OK, can we just talk about the Jewish elephant in the room? Ask her out dude!

Finn

Who? Rachel? But she's totally into Jesse right now.

You're in New York, the city of love.

Sam

[mouth full of food] I thought that was Paris.

Anything's possible here, and you're going to ask her out tonight. Take her out on one of those big dates you see on unwatchable romantic comedies that you grow a vagina if you watch all the way through.

Sam

This is your shot, dude. If I was in a love with a girl, and I wasn't homeless, I'd totally go for it.

Kurt

Whereas I'm spending my summer composing Pip Pip Hooray, the Broadway musical about Pippa Middleton.

Sam

I have no idea who that is but it sounds totally awesome.