Sam Evans quotes from Glee

Sam

I didn't realize you had a problem with gay dudes.

Finn

I don't have a problem with gay dudes. Everyone else does, and we're living in their world. And in their world, you singing a duet with Kurt is a death sentence.

Sam

Well, I gave him my word. In my world, that's that.

Mercedes

Okay, do I even have to say it?

Sam

That was rude.

Tina

Like really rude.

Quinn

I seriously wanted to punch both of you.

Quinn

Does that work on the girls where you're from? The impressions, the bad jokes, the Navi?

Sam

I don't know. I went to an all boys boarding school.

Quinn

[nods] Now it makes sense.

Sam

I know what's it's like to have a secret you're ashamed of.

Quinn

[gasps] So...so you are gay!

Sam

What are you doing?

Quinn

We're not using them. You're paying.

Sam

Why?

Quinn

Because a gentleman always pays on the first date.

Kurt

You know they make shampoo for color treated hair.

Sam

I don't dye my hair!

Kurt

Uh-huh.

Will

Sam, I'd like you to play the role of the Creature.

Sam

[confused] From the Black Lagoon?

Quinn

Rocky. He's like the Frankenstein character, but blond. You'll kill the part. He's cute....just like you.

Quinn

I said, say my name.

Sam

[imagining Beiste]

[wearing a cheerleader suit] I said, say my name.

Sam

Beiste.

Quinn

[stops kissing Sam] Are you okay?

Finn

Coach Beiste, we think you're awesome. And even though you're all hard and tough on the outside, it doesn't mean you're not the opposite on the inside.

Sam

Like a chocolate turtle.

Finn

Totally. You're nougaty.

Quinn

So what do you want to talk about in private?

Sam

These galactic mobiles aren't the stars at McKinley. We are. Or at least I want us to be. I think I love you.

Quinn

Oh.

Sam

Look, my shoulder's healed up and I'm going to be the quarterback again soon. And you're already the head cheerleader. [Bends on one knee and opens a box with a ring]

Quinn

Oh my god, are you proposing? We've known each other for 6 weeks. Stand up. You're freaking me out.

Sam

I-I wanna marry you, someday. Until then, will you accept this promise ring?

Quinn

What are you, 6?

Sam:

[Stands up] If you accept, this ring will symbolize my promise to you to be true, to never pressure you to do anything more than kiss, to listen to your problems, to tell you when you have food in your teeth or eye gunk, to come over to your house whenever you need something super heavy to move around. I promise to make you feel proud when you walk down the hall and say, "That dude's my boyfriend." I promise to do all of those things without trying to sound like Matthew McConaughey.

Quinn

[Laughs softly]

Sam

[Bends down on one knee again] I really care about you, Quinn and I want us to be together.

Quinn

[Closes the box]

Sam

Is that a no?

Quinn

It's a maybe. [Leaves]

Quinn

We've been talking this whole time and you haven't even noticed that I'm wearing your ring

Sam

How'd you get that?

Quinn

I broke into your locker. I've always been really handy with a nail file

Sam

Really?

Quinn

Mmm-hmm.

Finn

What the hell, dude? How about you talk with me about this first?

Kurt

I'm sorry Finn, but there's nothing to talk about. Karofsky's coming back tomorrow, so that means I won't be.

Sam

We can protect you.

Seriously. We can form a perimeter around you, like the Secret Service.

Finn

Yeah.

Kurt

The only thing that can really protect me is what they have at Dalton: a zero-tolerance no bullying policy.

Artie

Brittany still believes in Santa Claus.

Mercedes

(holds in a laugh) You cannot be serious.

Sam

Last week, Brittany believed a comb had magic powers. This is kind of a pattern.

Quinn

She's gonna find out sooner or later.

Rachel

(looking at Finn)

Finn

(decorating the tree)

Rachel

Do you mind, um, meeting me at the auditorium tomorrow at four?

Finn

Sure.

Lauren

Someone's gotta break the news to her.

Uh uh. Not me. I mean I'm cruel and all but that's just hardcore.

Artie

That's my point. Hear me out. Remember how excited you get when you would think about Santa Claus? How awesome it was? Christmas was the highlight of the year. Why wouldn't you want to keep someone's world magical for a little longer?

Mike

How?

Artie

I got it all figured out.

Brittany

Go Mercedes, go Mercedes, go! (smiles)

Mercedes

(sitting on Santa's lap) I've been a very good girl, Santa. I want a pony and a dolly that laughs and cries and...one of us smells like McDonald's.

Lauren

(sitting on Santa's lap) I want Puckerman to love me. He's a fox. And I want sweet potato fries.

Santana

(sitting on Santa's lap) I want bling. I can't be more specific than that. Okay hold up. Don't tell that's a roll of Certs in your pocket. (gets off)

Artie

(nodding)

Quinn

(sitting on Santa's lap) Do you have anything for stretch marks?

Sam

(sitting on Santa's lap) Chapstick. Lots of Chapstick.

Mike

(sitting on Santa's lap) I want Channing Tatum to stop being in stuff.

Tina

(sitting on Santa's lap) When does Asian Santa arrive?

Next.

Brittany

(to Elf Lady) Just know, you have rights.

Ho, ho, ho.

Brittany

(sits on Santa's lap)

What's your name?

Brittany

Brittany. You've gotten really tan.

That's because in the North Pole there is a hole in the ozone.

Brittany

(laughs) You're amazing. I know you're really busy so I only want one thing for Christmas. (points to Artie) Do you see my boyfriend over there?

Artie

(waves)

Artie

(frowns)

(turns to Artie)

Artie

(shakes his head no)

Um...sure. I'm on it.

Brittany

Thank you Santa.

Artie

Now we're screwed.

Brittany

(hugs Santa)

Sam

How the hell did you afford that thing?

Brittany

I didn't buy it. I didn't know what it was. I thought it was a Transformer.

Artie

(turns to Santana) I assumed her dad got it for me but he has no idea. He went to take a long poop and then it was there.

Rachel

So if no one knew who bought it for you then-

Brittany

Santa brought it.

Mercedes

Santa.

Artie

(nods) Santa.

Quinn

A real Christmas miracle.

(watching and smiling)