Sam Evans quotes from Glee

Finn

That's an image I'll never be able to get out of my mind.

Rachel

Give me a dollar.

Finn

What?

Rachel

Just give me a dollar.

Finn

[gives Rachel a dollar and Rachel approaches Sam]

Sam

[shocked] Rachel. Rachel!

Santana

I just heard the news that Trouty Mouth is back in town. I've been keeping a notebook, just in case this day ever came. Welcome back, Lisa Rinna. I've missed you so much since your family has pack their bags, loaded them into your mouth and skipped town. Can't tell you how many times I've wanted to enjoy a crisp pickle but couldn't find anyone to suck the lid off the jar. I assume you've been working as a baby polisher where young mothers place their infants' heads in your mouth to get back that newborn shine. So glad you're back. I haven't seen a smile that big since a clyamation abominable snowman got his teeth pulled by that little gay elf dentist. Love, Santana.

Sam

[smiles] I missed you too, Santana. [hugs her]

Sam

What are you gonna do for Christmas this year?

Rory

I'm not even sure. Brittany and her family are going on a trip to see a gay Santa. Something about Santa Fe.

Sam

This whole week, I'll be your Christmas sponsor. Really show you what the holiday spirit's about in the USA.

Rory

That'd be so awesome, Sam.

Sam

You guys finally came around!

Finn

Well, I guess you can thank Rory for helping us see the light.

Rory

I was just following my Christmas sponsor's lead.

Rory

These bells make me homesick.

Sam

You mean like church bells and stuff?

Rory

No. My brother Seamus gets lost all the time, So my dad made him wear a bell around his neck so we can always find him.

Sam

Smart.

Rory

Sam, I was wondering if you'd like to be my Valentine's Day sponsor as well. I mean, you did such a good job being a Christmas sponsor, I figured you'd have no problem helping me land a snog or two by February.

Sam

Deal. But you have to help me learn to perfect my Sean Connery. I'm telling you, impressions are the best way to get a chick.

Sam Evans? I'm Coach Roz Washington. And you are one strange looking kid. I've never seen lips like that on a white child, and one of your nipples is higher than the other. I bet you've had to overcome a lot with those crooked nipples. Well, I know a thing or two about overcoming. When I was growing up, they said that black folks couldn't swim. But I had a DREAM! that one day I would get to the promised land. So I swam out there and got my forty acres and a pool.

Coach Roz was an Olympian.

That's right. I won this Bronze damn Olympic Medal in Beijing, China for individual synchronized swimming. I bet you didn't even know there was such a thing as individual synchronized swimming. Nod to me if I'm getting trough to you, nod to me!

Sam

[nods]

I'm gonna say one thing to you, Sam Evans, and I'm only gonna say it once. If you pee in my pool, I will kill you.

Sam

Someday I want to earn enough money to buy my folks a new place so they don't ever have to go through losing their home again.

Mercedes

Yeah, I'm most looking forward to meeting Rachel Berry's children.

Finn

All right, everyone, listen carefully. Puck's scheduled to arrive at the Schneider's pool at 2:00 p.m., which means he should be there at 3:30. Sam, you're the driver, so stay in the car.

Sam

Well, can I play with the radio?

Finn

Rory, you're on lookout here.

Rory

Who am I looking out for? I mean, besides Puck?

Finn

Blaine, Mike and myself will triangulate a very carefully planned attack on Puck here, here and here.

Blaine

Is that a bear I'm hiding behind?

Finn

No, no, it's a bush.

Blaine

Looks like a bear.

Finn

But it's not a bear. It's a bush.

Rory

Maybe a shrub.

Sam

What's the difference between a shrub and a bush?

Artie

What do I do?

Finn

Oh, that's the best part. You're going to be the bait. So, when Puck comes in the gate, you just roll your wheelchair into the pool, and all of a sudden, we...

Artie

This is bad. Never in the history of show choir competitions has anyone ever fainted.

Sam

We got the juice. We got the juice.

Marley

No, I'm okay.

Kitty

Drink the damn juice!

Finn

Marley are you okay? What happened?

Jake

She hasn't been eating. She's skipping lunch.

Santana

Is that because you've been telling her too? You're trying to turn her into a damn rexy?

Kitty

What? No. Why would I- why would I want that?

Santana

Because you're a crazy evil bitch.

Will

Hey Marley, are you alright?

Finn

The nurse is on the way, Mr. Schue.

Will

Santana, Puck, you stay here with Marley. The rest of you guys get back up there. Leaving the stage mid-competition for any reason is risking immediate disqualification.

Finn

What?! That-That's a Rule?

Sue

Yeah, it's a rule. One of the bylaws actually. As all of you were spiraling into a self-created k-hole of crazy, the judges, by unanimous vote have declared the Warblers victorious. Hey, congratulations Finn Hudson. For the first time in its charmed yet pitiful existence, the New Directions has lost Sectionals. But here's the good news, Christmas came early for one Sue Sylvester.

Sam

Brittany, I've always thought you were super hot and really smart, but what I didn't know was that you were going to end up being my soul mate. Who knows what the future holds for us. Probably tsunamis and horrible sea monsters. But I'm not worried about that because I have you.

Brittany

Sam, when you first joined the glee club, I didn't notice for a while. It wasn't until you did a Rich Little impression and then told me it was a Rich Little impression and then explained who Rich Little was that I knew you were special. And I can't tell you how excited I am to become your Mayan star-wife.

Sam

Do you have any lip balm I can use?

Blaine

What?

Sam

Conspiracy theories make my lips get all chapped. Come on, dude, it's not weird. We're like brothers.

Sam

I'm sorry we let him down.

Let who down? Finn?

Blaine

We just really wanted to win this one for him and for you.

Ryder

We had a plan that we were gonna call you up on stage and give you the trophy to keep.

Kitty

It's not right.

Jake

This is not how the story is supposed to end.

You're right. Oh, it would have burned Finn to have lost to those guys. All we would have heard for months was how the judges had robbed you or how you were so much better than them.

Burt

Yeah, but then he would have stood up, and he would have told you that even though most of you had never been in a show choir before this year. You still stood tall against the best of the best. And you know what, even though Finn didn't have the best voice of the best rhythm or the best throwing arm, he always brought out the best in himself and in others, and the great thing about him is he always managed to find a way to feel like he'd won.

I was really proud of you guys up there. Hearing those songs was so healing for me and who know I saw how much he meant to you. So win or lose, Finn lives in you guys.

Will

Okay guys, let's put this trophy where it belongs.

Artie

A 2nd Place showing is superior to when Finn decided to make out with Rachel on stage, and we ended up in 12th.

Becky

Principal Sue wants to see you Schuester.

Sam

You’re going to get back there no matter what. Nothing can stop Rachel Berry.

Rachel

Thanks. You’re very sweet.