[burps] It tastes like pink. It tastes like pink! PINK!
[dancing and talking to Finn] Are you not drinking?
No. Designated driver. What about you?
I'm still trying to impress Blaine. Can't get too sloppy. [looks at Blaine]
Clearly he doesn't have the same concern.
Hey, it is so cool that you and Kurt are brothers...Like brothers. Wow. You're so tall.
Are you having fun, Blaine?
Yeah. This is the best party ever!
Finny, dance with me. [dances with Finn] We had it going on, right? I wasn't making it up or anything? I'd do anything for you. Anything.
[lets go of Rachel] Okay Rachel, since this is your first time at this, I'm going to break it down for you. [sits down with Rachel]
Guys and girls fall into certain archetypes when they get drunk. Exhibit A: Santana, the weepy, hysterical drunk.
[crying] You like her more than me! She's blond and awesome and so smart. Admit it! Just admit it!
Lauren Zizes and Quinn, the anger girl drunks.
I can't believe what you did to my body! I used to have abs!
Who told you that hairstyle was cool? Geronimo?
Brittany, the girl who also turns into a stripper drunk.
[throwing money into the air] Makin' it rain! [laughing] That's my girlfriend. I love you babe.
Mercedes and Tina, happy girl drunks.
MTMercedes and Tina
[laughing hysterically]
And then we come around full circle right back to you, Rachel. And right now you're being the needy girl drunk. Hanging all over me, being overly lovey. It's not cool.
[frowns and pats Finn's back] What-What kind of girl is this? [stands up] Let's play spin the bottle!
[Everyone cheers.]
[wearing sunglasses and looks exhausted] I need to close my locker and it's going to sound like a gunshot. [closes her locker gently]
Mercedes[starts walking with Tina, also wearing sunglasses and looks exhausted] I've had the worst hangover since Saturday and it's Monday.
[joins them, also wearing sunglasses and looks exhausted] I've been dry heaving all weekend. When my mother asked what the sound was I told her I was practicing bird calls.
[joins them, also wearing sunglasses and looks exhausted] You guys, I can't stop barfing.
I caught a whiff of hairspray and went full Linda Blair in the girl's bathroom.
I told my mom I had the flu and she made me a traditional tea made out of panda hair.
Can we talk about anything else?
[Tina, Mercedes, Santana and Mike meet up with Sam, Brittany, Artie and Quinn who are all wearing sunglasses and look tired.]
[looking at the audience] You guys, I'm really nervous. Ke$ha has been a culture icon for weeks and I really wanna do her music justice.
We haven't had enough rehearsal.
Mercedes
Or any at all.
And most of our assembly performances usually end in some kind of riot.
Never fear, teammates. [hands plastic cups to everyone] Now it's a Broadway tradition for nervous performers to take a shot of whiskey before going on to calm their nerves and to mask the stench of bad dental hygiene. [pours her drink in each cup] In that tradition, I have mixed us a playful showbiz cocktail of what was left in my dad's liquor cabinet. There's some Brandy and Vermouth, Portwine, and Scotch in here and also some Kool-aid and some crumbled up Oreos.
Oh my God, this tastes like cough syrup.
There's also cough syrup in here.
[Everyone clanks their cups together.]
[in a classroom] Demonstration: [holds a condom] this is a condom. Which can help prevent the spread of HIV, which can lead to AIDS. And it also prevents pregnancy. [holds a cucumber]
[shocked] Wait, cucumbers can give you AIDS?
Mercedes
Seriously? 'Cause I just had them in my salad!
Mercedes
Oh no, it's the salad lady.
Okay. So sex...it's just like hugging, only wetter.
Okay, so let's start with the basics. [to Finn] Finn, is it true that you thought you got your girlfriend pregnant via hot tub?
I have always been dubious.
[to Brittany] And Brittany, you think that storks bring babies?
I get my information from Woody Woodpecker cartoons.
[strikes the piano again]
Mercedes
So what are we going to do now?
I think we should write original songs for Regionals.
All those in favor of voting Rachel down a second time?
[Everyone raises their hands except Quinn, Finn and Puck.]
Mercedes
Did you know New York City was built on top of Old York City?
I'm pretty sure that's not true.
Mercedes
Oh. I'm just pretty.
Hi! I'm surprised at how well Quinn is taking the breakup. I guess I was wrong about her being a vindictive harpy.
I guess she just accepted the inevitable.
Or maybe she's just distracted by the awesomeness of New York! I know I am. Hey, do you know why it smells like it's wet here all the time?
Nope. So, what's going on with you and Jesse?
I don't know, he keeps texting me but I told him that I don't want to talk to him until I get back; no boys or distractions until we win that trophy. [leaves]
Hey Finn, where the hell's Puckerman?
Umm...[glances at Puck and Lauren]
BBartender
Do you even know what's in a Manhattan?
Yeah me, for the first time. Which is why I want to celebrate with a cocktail.
Mercedes
Ladies! Vocal warm-ups can wait. I was up half the night thinking about our mash-up for the mash-off, and it came to me: Adele.
I love her. I think she sounds like how banana cream pie sounds when it sings.
And now that we have that decision out of the way, I can stay focused on my one-sided battle of wits with the knuckle-dragger.
Mercedes
Santana, the dodgeball thing was fun until the end, but enough.
Oh no, honey, I'm just getting started.
Mercedes
I'm the leader of this group, and I'm telling you: Lay off those guys.
I'm sorry. The leader? Who died and made you queen, Aretha?
Mercedes
I brought you guys in and I came up with the idea for our mash-up while you were wasting time trying to figure out how to make Finn Hudson cry. So, I nominate myself as president of the Troubletones; all in favor?
Mercedes
You are a star member of this group, and you need to represent.
[singsong] Stop the violence. [nudges Santana] Come on.
[smiles] All right. From now on, I'll be so nice cotton candy will melt in my mouth.
Mercedes
Move your busted creeper ass…
JJosh
Easy girls. I'm just trying to make her normal.
It's not a choice, idiot. But even if it were you would be our last choice.
JJosh
Oh, I get it. So you're all a bunch of lesbos.
So what if we are. You don't stand a chance either way.
I like what Kurt stands for, and Brittany's insane, but just like my dad always voted for the candidate who was least ethnic, I'm voting for the one who's most girl. [checks off Brittany on the card]
Mercedes
Brittany is my home Troubletones girl but thank God for secret ballots because if Santana's girlfriend wins this election I'll never going to hear the end of it. [checks off Kurt on the card]
Wow, Quinn, that was incredible!
Even more incredible is her big news. Tell them.
I got into Yale! [clapping and cheering]
It's Just--It's amazing for everything you've been through, you really deserve this, Quinn.
Mercedes
We're so proud of you, Quinn.
I wanted to thank you guys, because without each and every one of you this would've never happened. You supported me and loved me through all the drama. And that's why I'm standing here. I wasted so much time hating myself for the stupid mistakes that I made, but the truth is is that without all of those I never would've dreamed this to be my future. I was the only one standing in the way of myself. You can't change your past, but you can let go and start your future.[cheering]
Glee · 1,090 quotes
