Puck quotes from Glee

Only if you wanna lose your hand. But you're on your way.

S2 E13 Comeback

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[talking on her cellphone] It sounds awful. Is anyone even going?

[walks next to Santana and holds out her cellphone] Let me find out. [dials Artie] Did you hear?

[on his cellphone] Yes. Mercedes just told me.

[pushing Artie's wheelchair] Tell them I'll go if they go.

Tell them yourselves. I ain't no Pony Express.

[rolls her eyes and turns on her headset] You're going, right?

Only if there's liquor. Because a Rachel Berry house party is not something I can do sober.

But it's Alcohol Awareness week.

Precisely and I'm aware of how much fun alcohol is. Let's ask Puckerman. [dials Puck]

PPuck

[on his cellphone] Go for Puck.

Noah, it's Santittany and Artcedes. Can your friends score us some wine coolers?

PPuck

No, but his I.D. can.

[Everyone meets up at the same time.]

S2 E14 Blame It On the Alcohol

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[burps] It tastes like pink. It tastes like pink! PINK!

[dancing and talking to Finn] Are you not drinking?

No. Designated driver. What about you?

I'm still trying to impress Blaine. Can't get too sloppy. [looks at Blaine]

Blaine

[dancing crazily]

Clearly he doesn't have the same concern.

Blaine

Hey, it is so cool that you and Kurt are brothers...Like brothers. Wow. You're so tall.

Are you having fun, Blaine?

Blaine

Yeah. This is the best party ever!

Finny, dance with me. [dances with Finn] We had it going on, right? I wasn't making it up or anything? I'd do anything for you. Anything.

[lets go of Rachel] Okay Rachel, since this is your first time at this, I'm going to break it down for you. [sits down with Rachel]

Okay.

Guys and girls fall into certain archetypes when they get drunk. Exhibit A: Santana, the weepy, hysterical drunk.

[crying] You like her more than me! She's blond and awesome and so smart. Admit it! Just admit it!

[confused]

No kiss me! [kisses Sam]

Lauren Zizes and Quinn, the anger girl drunks.

I can't believe what you did to my body! I used to have abs!

PPuck

Back off!

Who told you that hairstyle was cool? Geronimo?

PPuck

Chill out!

Brittany, the girl who also turns into a stripper drunk.

[dancing]

[throwing money into the air] Makin' it rain! [laughing] That's my girlfriend. I love you babe.

Mercedes and Tina, happy girl drunks.

MTMercedes and Tina

[laughing hysterically]

And then we come around full circle right back to you, Rachel. And right now you're being the needy girl drunk. Hanging all over me, being overly lovey. It's not cool.

[frowns and pats Finn's back] What-What kind of girl is this? [stands up] Let's play spin the bottle!

[Everyone cheers.]

S2 E14 Blame It On the Alcohol

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I think I have a bun in the oven. Please don't tell anyone. Okay? Especially Artie. [closes her locker and leaves]

Yeah, sure. Your secret's safe with- Oh my God, Brittany's pregnant.

Tina

[overhears and joins her] Oh my God, Brittany's pregnant.

PPuck

[walking with Lauren and overhears] It was only a matter of time.

For what?

PPuck

Brittany to get pregnant.

Oh. [sees Artie wheeling by] Congratulations!

For what?

You didn't hear? Your girlfriend's preggo! You're going to be a baby daddy!

[silent and shocked]

In the chorus room:

S2 E15 Sexy

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All right, folks. Regionals is in a week. It's time to get deep into our set list. Artie? You okay?

[still in shock] My life is over. How am I suppose to support a baby? [turns to Brittany] How could you not tell me about this?

Wait, Brittany, are you pregnant?

Definitely. I'm so sorry, Artie. I didn't want to upset you. I thought I could surprise you when I dropped him off. I'm pretty sure it's a boy.

PPuck

Um, babies don't get dropped off.

Wait, Brittany, have you been to a doctor yet? That's the only way to be sure.

I don't need to go to a doctor. I just need to look outside my window. Three days ago, a stork built its nest on top of my garage. I'm not stupid. It's obviously getting ready to bring me my baby. I know where babies come from.

[looks at Brittany in shock]

[smiles and shakes his head]

S2 E15 Sexy

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[to Sunshine] You're a terrible spy.

Seriously, with your size, you could easily sit in the air ducts for days.

SSunshine

I'm not a spy. I heard about your benefit concert on Facebook and I wanted to preform. I know what it feels like to be an academic decathlon. No one pays attention to you. No one cares. It's not right. We studied so hard.

Yeah but you're with Vocal Adrenaline. How do we know we can trust you?

SSunshine

Because I have nothing against all of you. I have 600 Twitter followers. I can get them all to come.

How many tickets have we sold so far?

PPuck

Four. No one's interested. It's sad.

SSunshine

Please, just let me show you what I can do. I would like to sing the perfect song of neglect, All By Myself. I'm such a better singer than everyone else so I know how it feels. I'm all alone at the top. Also, I'm really short, so even when I'm in a group of people I feel like I'm wandering alone in a forest.

There's no way she's singing in our auditorium, okay? She's the enemy.

PPuck

I say we give her chance. I mean, you owe her Rachel. You sent her to a freakin' crackhouse.

[sighs exasperatedly]

S2 E17 A Night of Neglect

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[hanging up posters]

[watching Quinn] There's our future queen, a size two teenage dream.

PPuck

You know what? We're going to change that.

How?

PPuck

Baby, you're gonna get that crown. And I'm gonna be your king.

At the doctor's office:

S2 E18 Born This Way

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PPuck

You won't listen to me, You won't listen to Finn

But she will listen to Barbra Streisand. Thanks Puck, I'll take it from here, but only I can lead this Barbra-vention.

Is she here?

Of course not, this is a mall in Ohio.

S2 E18 Born This Way

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[The New Directions are eating on the Red Stairs.]

A year and a half ago, the New Directions were nothing but a group of six misfits stumbling their way through a horrific rendition of "Sit Down, You're Rockin' the Boat". Now, here we are at the top of the show choir heap. Nationals!

Tina

I wanna hit up Central Park, get my frolic on!

PPuck

I wanna throw stuff off the Brooklyn Bridge.

Guys hold on, I mean, we still have two songs to write.

Okay, Mr Bossypants. But I think we have some time for a tune before we leave. [begins to sing] Start spreading the news. [everyone begins to join in] I'm leaving today. I wanna be a part of it. New York, New York!

Guys, I have news. To celebrate our impending win at Nationals, I got us all thirteen tickets to Broadway's longest running show ever; Cats!

[Everyone begins to cheer.]

S2 E22 New York

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Did you know New York City was built on top of Old York City?

Tina

I'm pretty sure that's not true.

Oh. I'm just pretty.

Hey.

Hi! I'm surprised at how well Quinn is taking the breakup. I guess I was wrong about her being a vindictive harpy.

I guess she just accepted the inevitable.

Or maybe she's just distracted by the awesomeness of New York! I know I am. Hey, do you know why it smells like it's wet here all the time?

Nope. So, what's going on with you and Jesse?

I don't know, he keeps texting me but I told him that I don't want to talk to him until I get back; no boys or distractions until we win that trophy. [leaves]

Hey Finn, where the hell's Puckerman?

Umm...[glances at Puck and Lauren]

PPuck

I'll have a Manhattan.

BBartender

Do you even know what's in a Manhattan?

PPuck

Yeah me, for the first time. Which is why I want to celebrate with a cocktail.

S2 E22 New York

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[After Brittany finishes singing My Cup.]

'Tina: Hold on, are you singing about...a cup?

Yeah, totally.

[grabs her jacket] We gotta get out of here.

Wait, no, no, no. Mr. Schue gave us explicit instructions.

To write a song and our problem is our only inspiration are mattresses and bathroom cups.

PPuck

Quinn's right. We're in the artist capital of the world. Poets, musicians, actors, playwrights. Every dreamer that's lived has passed through this city. And if we want our dreams to come true, we need to be there out with them, not stuck in here.

Guys, I don't think this is a good idea. I mean, we've still got those songs to write and if we don't write them then we're gonna lose.

No, they're right! Can't you hear the city calling to you?

We don't need to write songs for Nationals. New York's going to write them for us.

S2 E22 New York

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PPuck

OK, can we just talk about the Jewish elephant in the room? Ask her out dude!

Who? Rachel? But she's totally into Jesse right now.

PPuck

You're in New York, the city of love.

[mouth full of food] I thought that was Paris.

PPuck

Anything's possible here, and you're going to ask her out tonight. Take her out on one of those big dates you see on unwatchable romantic comedies that you grow a vagina if you watch all the way through.