Emily Gilmore quotes from Gilmore Girls

Emily

That was our lawyer calling to inform me that one of our former maids is suing for wrongful termination.

Lorelai

Hm.

Emily

You might at least act surprised.

Lorelai

It’s not the first time, is it?

Emily

It most certainly is.

Lorelai

Really?

Emily

Yes, Lorelai, really.

Lorelai

Well, then, I’m surprised.

Rory

Which maid was it?

Emily

Gertha, the one from Hamburg, Germany.

Lorelai

Which one was she?

Rory

You remember. She was the one who you made all those Hamburg-hamburger jokes to.

Lorelai

God, I beat that dead horse.

Rory

With glee.

Emily

She was the clomper.

Lorelai

The clomper?

Emily

She'd be upstairs making the bed and it'd sound like a Munich beer hall rally.

Lorelai

That's why you fired her?

Emily

Yes.

Lorelai

Because she made noise when she walked?

Emily

Yes.

Lorelai

Was she a good maid otherwise?

Emily

What?

Lorelai

Besides the clomping, was she polite, on time, made sure the little fork went on the outside?

Emily

Have you been listening to me? She was not performing her duties as I wished them to be performed. Everything else is beside the point.

Lorelai

Well, I guess it’s always something, isn’t it?

Emily

What’s that supposed to mean?

Lorelai

It means you always seem to find the one thing about a maid that negates all of her good qualities. I mean, at a certain point, isn’t it just easier to let a couple things slide?

Emily

I see. So it’s my fault?

Lorelai

I didn’t say that.

Emily

No, Lorelai, you did. For years, I’ve been listening to you and your father and everyone else go on and on about how demanding I am, how I have to have things a certain way. Well, guess what? I pay to have them that way. I pay more than anyone else pays their maids, and when things are not the way I want, that means I’m not getting what I paid for. Why is that so hard to understand?

Lorelai

It isn’t hard to understand, it’s just –

Emily

If you pay for first class and the airline sticks you in coach, people expect you to be upset. No one calls you demanding or unreasonable. And yet here is this woman whom I pay more than she can get anywhere else in Hartford, whose severance package could finance a summer cruise down the Rhine, dragging me into court saying that I was unfair. Why? Because having paid for one thing, I’m not content with something else? That makes me unfair? Well, then, so be it. Let someone else pay first class and ride in steerage, not me.

Excuse me, Mrs. Gilmore, dinner’s ready

Emily

Thank you, Brooke, we’ll be right there.

Emily

Wait, wait, wait. Do you hear that?

Lorelai

Hear what?

Emily

Exactly.

Emily

Take the cake into the kitchen now, Teresa.

Lorelai

Wait, aren't I supposed to blow out the candles?

Emily

Oh, Teresa can do that.

Lorelai

Mom, it's tradition for the person whose name is on the cake to do the blowing.

Emily

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought only children liked to do that. Shall we bring it back out and relight it?

Lorelai

No.

Richard

Well, would you like to make a wish and blow out the tapers?

Lorelai

Why am I being mocked on my birthday?

Richard

Because it's the Gilmore way.

Richard

This was my favorite thing to eat as a boy. My Gran used to make this for me whenever I was feeling a little sad. You know, if my cricket team lost or a girl I fancied, turned up her nose at me.

Lorelai

Well, then load me up, because there was this cute chick at the pharmacy today. I used my best material on her and nothing.

Emily

Richard, at least let Pena serve it.

Lorelai

No comment on my lesbian hilarity? My, how far we've come.

Lorelai

Oh my God.

Emily

Reading in front of other people is extremely rude, Lorelai.

Lorelai

Shauna Christy shot her husband.

Emily

What?

Lorelai

Shauna Christy, you remember Shauna Christy.

Emily

Yes I remember Shauna Christy, she was a lovely girl.

Lorelai

Well apparently this lovely girl came home to find her husband giving a nice little bonus package to the maid. And they say good help is hard to find.

Emily

That's just gossip.

Lorelai

Gossip? The man was shot 35 times! He looks like a sprinkler system!

Emily

I can’t believe this. Shauna was always such a nice girl. She was bright, cultured, well-spoken.

Lorelai

And apparently a big Annie Oakley fan.

Emily

This is not funny, the woman committed a crime.

Lorelai

Okay, fine.

Emily

This is a tragedy.

Lorelai

My bad, sorry.

Emily

A man is dead, a young woman ruined.

Lorelai

Consider the subject dropped.

Emily

At least she had a husband to kill.

Lorelai

[Phone rings and Lorelai answers] Independence Inn

Emily

You should really identify yourself when you answer the phone at work.

Lorelai

Sorry, Independence Inn, major disappointment speaking. Better?

Emily

Yes, thank you.

Emily

I just found out that Sookie was pregnant!

Lorelai

Don't look at me, I had nothing to do with it.

Emily

It's bad enough that you haven't taught your daughter how to interact with the opposite sex. You will not dress her up in one of your Sex and the City ensembles and send her out to tell the entire campus, "Don't worry. I'll ask you."

Lorelai

How do you know about Sex and the City?

Emily

Flying, thumping balls all over the place.

Lorelai

Flying, thumping what all over the place?

Emily

Balls.

Emily

You are four.

Lorelai

And balls are funny.

Lorelai

Mom?

Emily

Were you asleep?

Lorelai

Uh... no.

Emily

Then why are you in your pajamas?

Lorelai

These aren't pajamas...

Emily

You wear that in public??

Lorelai

... Hi mom, would you like to come in?

Emily

You have the word "juicy" on your rear end!

Lorelai

Well, if I'd known you were coming over I would have changed.

Emily

Into what? A brassiere with the word "tasty" on it?

Rory

More broccoli, Grandpa?

Richard

Absolutely. Staves off the cancer.

Lorelai

Staves off my appetite.

Emily

You really should eat more green things, Lorelai.

Lorelai

I plan to eat a five-dollar bill later tonight.

Rory

Oh, have you seen the new twenties? They have a little peach color in 'em.

Lorelai

Peach, perfect. I'll eat a new twenty, I'll have my fruits and vegetables.

Lorelai

[answering the phone] Hello?

Emily

It's a complete disaster!

Lorelai

My existence?

Emily

Not everything is about you, Lorelai.

Rory

So who else is joining us?

Emily

No one. We brought one of Richard's coats to hang over the chair.

Richard

We're saying it's Marjorie's husband.

Emily

He's making the rounds and at about eight he'll get sick and have to leave.

Richard

Does everybody understand the story?

Lorelai

I think so. But then we'll have to hide his jacket. So I suggest I put it under my dress and pretend to be pregnant, then Jason can pretend to be the doctor, then Rory can dig a tunnel, and --

Emily

I might have known you'd turn this into something ridiculous, Lorelai.

Rory

Yeah, I wanna be the doctor.

Mrs. Gilmore. Did I know you were coming?

Emily

Not unless you're clairvoyant.

Lorelai

Does Dad even want any of this stuff?

Emily

He doesn't know what he wants, Lorelai, so I choose what he wants. [stops in front of globe] Excuse me!

Yes?

Emily

I want this.

I'm sorry ma'am, that's just a display. It's not for sale.

Emily

Everything is for sale.

I will take care of it.