Emily Gilmore quotes from Gilmore Girls

Lorelai

Very tasty. New cook?

Emily

Yes, Marisella. She’s introduced us to some wonderful dishes so charmingly specific to her native country.

Lorelai

What country is she from?

Emily

One of those little ones next to Mexico.

Lorelai

How charmingly specific.

Lorelai

Hey Mom, you didn't make it back to the room last night. Did you get lucky?

Emily

Could you be any cruder?

Lorelai

Yeah, I could be cruder. Hey Mom, did you get lai...

Rory

Thanks for coming!

Lorelai

You are not seriously sitting there.

Emily

No. It's a hologram. Lifelike, isn't it?

Emily

Do you think you'll be single your entire life?

Lorelai

Excuse me?

Emily

I mean in terms of you finding someone, what do you think the odds are?

Lorelai

Ok, what is going on?

Emily

Well, I visited the family mausoleum today...

Lorelai

[to Rory] Never what you think it's going to be!

Lorelai

Oh, oh. Well, uh. . .ugh, why don’t we move Aunt Cecile? She was always so annoying at parties. She loved the knock-knock jokes.

Rory

Mom!

Lorelai

What?

Rory

You can’t just kick out Aunt Cecile.

Lorelai

Knock-knock. Who’s there? Pineapple. Pineapple who? That’s where it ended. Never fully grasped the knock-knock concept.

Emily

She was a complete idiot. Okay, it’s decided – Cecile goes.

Richard

There are a lot of nice historical places up there.

Christopher

Something historical in our price range would be perfect.

Emily

You know historical homes are infested with mold, don’t you?

Lorelai

Mold?

Emily

It gets inside the walls and grows out of sight and shoots off spores that slowly kill you and your family.

Lorelai

You should get a show on the Home and Garden channel, Mom.

Lorelai

Mom, you signed us up for a couple's massage.

Emily

So?

Lorelai

A couple's massage is for a couple not a couple of people.

Emily

And I certainly don’t eat at bars. Hookers eat at bars.

Lorelai

Only if they can’t get a table.

Emily

Lorelai Gilmore, are you seriously suggesting that your father go to a complete stranger and talk about his personal life?

Lorelai

Lots of people swear by it.

Emily

Yes, disturbed people, deviants, people with multiple personalities who see things and hear things talking to them and roam the streets talking to themselves and licking parking meters.

Emily

You're crude and unprofessional.

Lorelai

I'd like that on my tombstone please.

Lorelai

Huh. You know what I just realized? Oy is the funniest word in the entire world.

Rory

Huh.

Lorelai

I mean, think about it. You never hear the word oy and not smile. Impossible. Funny, funny word.

Emily

Oh, dear God.

Lorelai

Poodle is another funny word.

Emily

Please drink your drink, Lorelai.

Lorelai

In fact, if you put oy and poodle together in the same sentence, you'd have a great new catch phrase, you know? Like, oy with the poodles already. So from now on, when the perfect circumstances arise, we will use our favorite new catch phrase.

Rory

Oy with the poodles already.

Lorelai

I'm telling you, it's knocking ‘whatcha talking ‘bout, Willis?' right out of first place.

Emily

Lorelai, for God's sake, be quiet.

Emily

I've called several times the past few weeks and you've skillfully avoided every call.

Lorelai

No, that's not true. I've left messages on your machine.

Emily

Yes, messages. And then if I happened to pick up, you'd hang up. Or if the maid picked up, you'd ask for me, then claim you were driving through a tunnel so you might get cut off, and then you'd make garbling noises and hang up.

Emily

If I came in there wearing white gloves, what would I find?

Lorelai

That you could pull a rabbit out of your hat?

Emily

This couch cannot stay.

Lorelai

Yes, it can.

Emily

It’s awful.

Lorelai

It can hear you.

Lorelai

You need to develop a defense mechanism for dealing with Grandma.

Emily

What are you talking about?

Lorelai

You just need a system, a new mindset. Take me, for example.

Emily

What about you?

Lorelai

Well, I know there are many things in my life you don't approve of.

Emily

Like what?

Lorelai

Like this couch.

Emily

Well, this couch is terrible.

Lorelai

Okay, good – you think the couch is terrible. Now, at one point in my life, you saying a couch that I carefully picked out and had to pay off over eight months is terrible might've hurt my feelings, but not anymore.

Emily

No?

Lorelai

No.

Emily

Why not?

Lorelai

Because one day, I decided that instead of being hurt and upset by your disapproval, I'm gonna be amused. I'm gonna find it funny. I'm even going to take a little bit of pleasure in it.

Emily

You take pleasure in my disapproval?

Lorelai

I encourage it sometimes just for a laugh.

Emily

I don't know what to think of that.

Lorelai

Think, ‘hey, that's brilliant', because this idea could set you free.