Lorelai Gilmore quotes from Gilmore Girls

Lorelai

Who wears a nametag in the middle of their chest?

Christopher

Superman

Lorelai

Superman wears an emblem

Christopher

So, this is my emblem.

Lorelai

"Hello I'm Rory Gilmore's dad, Christopher" is your emblem?

Christopher

Yeah.

Lorelai

I'm going to have to ask you to walk 15 feet in front of me.

Gigi

Will there be food on the plane?

Lorelai

There will be food. But airplane food is one of life's cruel jokes. So we have snacks up the wazoo.

Lorelai

I would like a cheeseburger, with a side of cheeseburger, and see if they can make me a cheeseburger smoothie.

Christopher

He didn't say so much as chortle.

Lorelai

No room service? And no mini-bar? But two toilets? Where are their priorities?

Christopher

Let me float another plan

Lorelai

Don't say float unless there's a root beer attached to it!

Lorelai

So wide awake I could watch the Ken Burns' documentary of Sadd and I wouldn't fall asleep.

Christopher

There are a 104 fleur de li's stenciled on the ceiling that's how wide awake I am.

Lorelai

I kept trying to hum Brahms' lullaby in my head but it kept morphing into Purple Rain and purple rain made me think of jam, which made me think of English muffins slathered in grape jam.

Christopher

I need an open mind. Are you giving me an open mind?

Lorelai

OK its open.

Christopher

Wide open?

Lorelai

Yea yea. Blue skies. Green grass. Vistas as far as the eyes can see.

Christopher

I want you to picture. On this wall. A waterfall. You know like one of those wall waterfalls. They're really soothing.

Lorelai

Slam.

Christopher

What's that?

Lorelai

The sound of my mind closing.

Lorelai

After trying 10 varietals, note the use of the word varietals.

Rory

Noted.

Lorelai

Believe me you tend to believe them.

Christopher

We were drunk by the end of the tour. We bought a case.

Lorelai

Here. Try a snail.

Rory

No thanks see I had a lunch of bugs and lizards I think I'm good...Well how's it taste?

Christopher

Sorta like a buttered gummy bear.

Christopher

I look good in peach.

Lorelai

Exactly. Men who buy peach shirts buy them because they think they look good in peach which means they really thought about it which means they are obsessed with their looks!

Christopher

I am not obsessed with my looks!

Lorelai

Ladies and Gentlemen I give you a peach shirt!

Christopher

Alright just leave my stuff alone!

Lorelai

Oh my God. You dirty thief.

Christopher

Excuse me?

Lorelai

You stinking, lying, sneaking, ratty, dirty thief!

Christopher

What?

Lorelai

This is my Police Synchronicity T-shirt! I have been missing this for 22 years! I asked you if you had it, I looked you right in the face and you denied it!

Christopher

I lied.

Lorelai

Oh! You lied! You lied! You know how long I looked for this? days and days and I accused my mother of throwing it out and she said she didn't and OH my God I hated her and Oh my God I coulda had the best relationship with my mother if you had not stolen my shirt!

Christopher

Look at you knitting away, just like a proper married lady: the picture of domesticity.

Lorelai

Ha ha ha.

Christopher

So what's for breakfast, Martha Stewart? Poached eggs, blueberry muffins? Oh, is there going to be fresh squeezed orange juice? Cuz I'd really appreciate it if you could strain the pulp.

Lorelai

Yeah, I got your strained pulp right here, buddy.

Christopher

So what exactly are you knitting?

Lorelai

It doesn't matter what I'm knitting, I just am knitting to knit.

Christopher

Someone's philosophical.

Lorelai

No, someone is in training for the knitathon, and we get pledged by the skein, so I'm just working on my speed.

Christopher

Knitathon?

Lorelai

Yeah, you didn't hear about the knitathon?

Christopher

No, I didn't hear about the knitathon. You want something?

Lorelai

Yeah. Poached eggs and some orange juice pulp.

Lorelai

He's going on a man-date with Jackson.

Rory

Cute, a mandated man-date?

Lorelai

Yes, it was suggested enthusiastically.

Lorelai

What about instead of La Boheme we took our inspiration from Rent? East Village. 1985. Rickety tables. Chipped glassware. [phone rings] Excuse me. Hello?

Rory

How goes the party planning?

Lorelai

What? What happened?

Rory

That good huh?

Lorelai

Is he OK?

Rory

I am not participating in this

Lorelai

Oh my God. What can I do? What do you need?

Rory

You are not using this phone call to get out of party planning hell.

Lorelai

Oh...I'll be right there.

Rory

Mom.

Emily

I can hear Rory on the other end. You are not as clever as you think you are.

Lorelai

Drat.

Rory

OK so I'll call you later? Ok?

Lorelai

The stairs are rickety, and you think you might fall down them?

Rory

Mom.

Lorelai

The pool is empty and you think you might have hit your head??

Lorelai

Would you like the brown card with the cream colored detail with the parchment insert or would you like the cream colored card with the silk lining and the clear paper insert. How about I'd like some cyanide and a 30 story building to jump off of.

Christopher

We said one sugary cereal.

Lorelai

You're going to deny me the Captain?

Christopher

We've got a whole box of Froot Loops at home.

Lorelai

In my fragile state you're going to deny me Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch?

Christopher

It rips your gums.

Lorelai

In a delightful sugary way. Look it's got 5% real peanut butter flavored chemicals.

Christopher

No. [picks up a jar of pasta sauce] Which one do we get??

Lorelai

Avoid the words "made with real vegetables".

Lorelai

Mars and Venus.

Rory

Yea see I don't think that's right. See Mars and Venus are both planets. So they have something in common. It's more like Mars and a bowl of soup.

Lorelai

Venus and a bowl of soup. Venus is the woman...Sorry boys suck.

Rory

Stupid bowls of soup.

Emily

I'm saying he's your husband, Lorelai, for better or for worse. I like Christopher.

Lorelai

Okay.

Emily

I think he's good for you. But it's not going to be perfect. He's not perfect, and God knows you're not perfect. But marriage is not about always being happy, and often it's about not being happy at all. It's about compromise, which is not your strong suit. It's about swallowing your pride sometimes, about doing what he wants. It's not about winning an argument, which may make you sad, because that's what you love. But I don't want to see you ruin this. Marriage is serious business, Lorelai, and if you don't take this seriously, it could fall apart faster than you could possibly imagine. And he'll be gone, and you'll be alone again. A ring is no guarantee.

Gigi

The redcoat is here!

Christopher

Cuz I was thinking all that time in England, you might forget which side of the road to drive on.

Lorelai

Hey, don't steal my material.

Christopher

What do you mean, "your material?" You ripped me off.

Lorelai

I ripped you off? That's like saying Lenny Bruce rips off Carrot Top or Woody Allen gets his material from the "whats-his-name" the guy with the watermelons.