LorelaiI didn't let any Christmas happen. I Grinched it up so hard I didn't even let it snow! Thanks to me. Our agreement. Our pledge. Our oath!
Lorelai
Yes. Sheer force of will. We said no Christmas, so I had no Christmas.
You must have had a little Christmas.
Lorelai
None.
Lorelai
No presents.
Lorelai
No tree.
Lorelai
No egg. No nog. I sat in the dark with the lights off and ate gruel.
Lorelai
Yeah. I did an anti-snow dance. It was humiliating and arduous but I had made a promise to my daughter.
Lorelai
Two words. Coconut bra.
[Rory, Lorelai and Gigi are making popcorn-and-cranberry strands for their Christmas tree. Rory and Lorelai are talking about the letter Luke has asked Lorelai to write]
OK, so what guidelines did he give you?
Lorelai
None. None, no guidelines whatsoever. I'm supposed to write a character reference, so I thought I'd reference his character.
Sounds like you're on the right track.
Lorelai
No, I'm not, because it turns out I can't write.
Lorelai
No, I can't. I stare at the blank page and I just keep staring and staring and eventually I have to get up and lubricate my eyeballs, otherwise they'll fall out of my head like raisins. [Gigi giggles]
Well, are you using a pen? You can't just stare at the paper, you have to have a writing implement of some kind.
[holds up her strand] Look!
Lorelai
Very pretty, honey.
Lorelai
You know what I really like? Your cranberry-to-popcorn ratio -- Rory's more of a one-to-one kind of gal, but I'm like you, I like a lot of cranberry, a little popcorn thrown in for flair. [aside to Rory] Yours is pretty too.
Lorelai
I have a writing implement. The problem is that everything I write just sounds so schmucky.
I'm sure that's not true...we're running low on cranberries.
Lorelai
[mocking herself] "Luke Danes is a highly regarded member of this community." Ugh! "Not an ill word can be spoken of Mr. Danes." It's like I'm some documentary narrator from the History Channel. And you know what phrase I keep using?! "Stand-up." "Luke Danes is a stand-up guy. He's an upstanding member of Stars Hollow. A real stand-up citizen." People are gonna think he's turned into a comedian.
Sounds like you're overthinking this. Maybe if you just put pen to paper --
Lorelai
I tried that. I thought, I'll just sit down and write whatever comes. No judgment, no inner critic -- boy, was that a bad idea.
Lorelai
Because my brain is a wild jungle full of scary gibberish. "I'm writing a letter. I can't write a letter. Why can't I write a letter? I'm wearing a green dress. I wish I was wearing my blue dress. My blue dress is at the cleaners'. 'The Germans wore gray, you wore blue.' Casablanca. Casablanca's such a good movie. Casablanca. The White House. Bush. Why don't I drive a hybrid car? I should really drive a hybrid car. I should really take my bicycle to work. Bicycle, unicycle, unitard, hockey puck, rattlesnake monkey monkey underpants." [Gigi giggles]
"Hockey puck rattlesnake monkey monkey underpants"?
Lorelai
Exactly! That's what I'm saying. It's a big bag of weird in there. So I think, well, I need inspiration. I need a muse. Perhaps I need The Muse. Maybe it would help if Sharon Stone would appear to me in an alarming kaftan and coo inspirational words in my ear.
[Lorelai and Babette are carrying a tree in a basket, the phone is ringing]
Lorelai
A jungle?
Hey! Is that your inside phone?
Lorelai
Yeah, well, I'll call them back.
So anyway, I got this negligee with a kind of snake pattern...
Lorelai
Oh, this is heavy!
Lorelai
Just so you know, that young guy who's been visiting Mrs. Santiago in 236, not her son, he's her boyfriend!
But he's at least 20 years younger than she is.
Lorelai
32 according to the night nurse.
What could they possibly have to talk about?
Lorelai
I don't think they're doing a lot of talking if you know what I mean..
[singing] They called them the Diamond Dogs. Whoo hoo hoo. Bow wow.
Lorelai
We didn't need a song that necessarily had the dogs in the lyrics, right Michel?
Whatever. David Bowie sounds like a hoot.
Lorelai
More Princess Diana, less dog.
Lorelai
We were thinking very dignified. Like Bach. Mozart.
Oh please...don't make me do that.
After all My Heart Will Go On was Chin-chin's favorite song.
Lorelai
Ah well then there you go. We'll just find uh My Heart...Belongs to Daddy...My heart belongs to me, My heart belongs to you, My heart can't make up it's mind.
How about Tears in heaven? That's a wicked song.
Lorelai
My heart is crying for you...My heart is waiting...My heart stood still...People very interested in this whole heart thing.
I Will Always Love You...I mean it's got the cheese factor but its still at least a legitimate...
LLorelei
There's no such thing as a non-alcoholic cocktail.
There most certainly is, it's called a mock-tail. I can offer you a Shirley Temple or a Roy Rogers.
Lorelai
Or how about a Howdy Doody or a Captain Kangaroo... [takes a sip of the mock-tail] Oh, that's a strong one Mom, you know I'm driving.
Lorelai
You know what else tastes great? Rum.
Lorelai
What's like a canoe?
Life. You're just paddling along in a canoe.
Lorelai
Mother have you been in a canoe? I just can't picture you in a canoe.
Lorelai, your father and I have been paddling a canoe together for years, only now, he's dropped it. He just dropped it. Not only that but now the canoe is going in circles. Without your father there I'm paddling and the canoe is going in circles, and the harder I paddle the faster the canoe spins and it's hard work and I'm getting tired.
Lorelai
Dizzy I would think.
You are in a kayak. You know how to do all of this.
Lorelai
How does that put me in a kayak?
Kayaks have paddles on both ends. You steer it by yourself.
Gilmore Girls · 747 quotes
