Zapp Brannigan quotes from Futurama

Zapp Brannigan

Oh Leela! You're the only person I could turn to; you're the only person who ever loved me.

Leela

I never loved you.

Zapp Brannigan

I meant physically. Just let me work for a little food. I could paint a fence, or service you sexually, or mop the floors.

Leela

You don't know how to do any of those things.

Zapp Brannigan

Kif might!

Zapp Brannigan

Throw her in the brig.

Fry

We don't have a brig.

Zapp Brannigan

Then throw her in the laundry room, which will hereafter be referred to as "the brig".

Kif

What shall I do with your civilian clothes?

Zapp Brannigan

Take them to the laundry/brig!

Zapp Brannigan

This is Zapp Brannigan of the good ship ... Planet Express Ship. I come swinging the olive branch of peace.

Should we trust him, Your Neutralness?

All I know is my gut says maybe.

Zapp Brannigan

Cheers!

[with five o'clock shadow] Cheers!

Leela

[seeing Sal meeting a prostitute] Bender, did you just round up our dates at the bus station?

Bender

Of Course Not!

Sal

Anybodys else for Nutley?

Zapp Brannigan

Baby, wait! You didn't show me your surprise.

Zapp Brannigan

I realize this may hurt our chances of consummating our relationship again.

Leela

Go consummate yourself.

Leela

You know, Zapp, someone ought to teach you a lesson.

Zapp Brannigan

If it's a lesson in love, watch out. I suffer from a very sexy learning disability. What did I call it, Kif?

Kif

Ugh... sexlexia.

Zapp Brannigan

I'm de-promoting you, soldier. Kif, what's the most humiliating job there is?

Kif Kroker

Being your assistant.

Zapp Brannigan

Wrong. Being your assistant.

Zapp Brannigan

Oh, god, I've never been so happy to be beaten up by a woman.

Leela

Let's do it again sometime.

Zapp Brannigan

I’m calling to negotiate a double date. You and me, Kif and Amy.

Leela

Forget it.

Zapp Brannigan

Then let the negotiations begin! I propose we go out on ten dates.

Leela

How about zero?

Zapp Brannigan

Nine.

Leela

Zero.

Zapp Brannigan

Seven.

Leela

Zero.

Zapp Brannigan

Eight.

Amy

Please, Leela? Kif’s like the sweetest guy who’s ever liked me.

Zapp Brannigan

Five, and that’s my final offer. Four!

Leela

One.

Zapp Brannigan

Two.

Leela

One half.

Zapp Brannigan

I’ll take it. We’ll meet you tonight for part of dinner and the first half of a movie.

Zapp Brannigan

Well, well, well. This looks to be one disturbingly erotic date.

Leela

Half-date.

Zapp Brannigan

Waiter, bring us a bottle of wine.

Leela

Half-bottle.

Zapp Brannigan

And some oysters on the half-shell.

Leela

Quarter-shell.

Leela

What planet is this, anyway?

Zapp Brannigan

[shrugs] This whole sector is uncharted.

Kif

It is not uncharted. You lost the chart.

I am Singing Wind, Chief of the Native Martians.

Zapp Brannigan

Take me to your leader!

Moving along...

You must smoke peace pipe, and you must do it peacefully. Or we'll kill you.

Kif

Well, it's just really that I don't feel that--

Zapp Brannigan

Don't be such a chicken, Kif. Teenagers all smoke and they seem pretty on-the-ball.

Zapp Brannigan

I didn't realize you were bringing your girlfriend Lieutenant. [Snickers]

Kif

[sighs] She won't leave me alone.

Zapp Brannigan

Did I say "girlfriend"? She sounds more like a wife!