Zapp Brannigan quotes from Futurama

Zapp Brannigan

Now remember Kif, the quickest way to a girl's bed is through her parents. Have sex with them and you're in.

Kif

Well, sir, I'm a little nervous about meeting her parents.

Zapp Brannigan

Of course you are. You're meek and uninteresting.

Stop! No shoot fire stick in space canoe! Cause explosive decompression!

Zapp Brannigan

Spare me your space age technobabble, Attila the Hun!

Kif

Leela must have impregnated me when she grabbed my ungloved hand. That explains the poster in hygiene class: "No Glove, No Love".

Leela

Wow, this is all so confusing.

Zapp Brannigan

Leela! How could you? Our love has had to endure your constant hatred, and now this? [crying] Stop testing our love!

Zapp Brannigan

Philip J. Fry, you stand accused of travelling to the forbidden planet Omega 3, a crime punishable by 12 concurrent death sentences. Do you understand the charges?

Kif Kroker

One beep for yes, two beeps for no.

Zapp Brannigan

Yes, so noted. Do you plead guilty?

Zapp Brannigan

Double yes. Guilty.

Zapp Brannigan

The court will now hear some very sensual testimony from this court's ex-lover, Turanga Leela.

Leela

Go [beep] yourself.

With pleasure. You see, the show was banned after the Star Trek wars.

Zapp Brannigan

You mean the mass migration of Star Wars fans?

Nichelle Nichols

No, that was the Star Wars trek.

Zapp Brannigan

My God, we're defenseless. Like fish in a barrel.

Options?

Zapp Brannigan

My instinct is to hide in this barrel, like the wily fish.

Leela

Come, Adam, partake of my forbidden fruit.

Zapp Brannigan

Thee will be done.

Zapp Brannigan

We have only one option: Protocol 62.

Not possible. We don't have nearly enough piranhas.

Zapp Brannigan

Then Protocol 63 it is.

Zapp Brannigan

We're under attack and the wedding's off. Kif, return fire AND the cake.

Kif

[panicking] All systems are disabled and you can't return an ice cream cake!!

Kif

Sir, there's an Omicronian ship requesting safe passage home.

Zapp

Home, eh? That's where I live! Let 'em through the blockade.

Zapp

But here we are, stealing an unlimited supply of birthday grade helium from the unsuspecting moon.

Kif

That's the sun.

Zapp

At night, it's the moon.

Zapp

Well, no worries. I can end this battle with two words. "We surrender."

Sign this certificate of defeat, so I can show my mom.

Kif

I'm through putting up with your... crap! I'm filing a formal complaint!

Zapp

It's pronounced compliment.

What a wimp! Captains need to be ruthless. Women belong in the kitchen, fixing me a sweet durian pie.

Zapp

That's an offensive stereotype. Leela's terrible at baking.