Zapp Brannigan quotes from Futurama

Zapp Brannigan

So, crawling back to the Big Z like a bird on its belly. Delicious.

Leela

Birds don't crawl.

Zapp Brannigan

They've been known to!

Leela

Look, I'm going down to Vergon 6 to save those animals whether you like it or not.

Zapp Brannigan

Go ahead. I won't stop you.

Leela

Threaten all you-- Wait. What?

Zapp Brannigan

We both know you won't make it halfway to Vergon 6 before the craving sets in. Then you'll come crawling back for another taste of sweet, sweet candy... bam!

Zapp Brannigan

Welcome to my humble chamber, or as I call it, "the Lovenasium". Sham-pag-in?

Leela

I didn't realise you were such a coin-a-sewer.

Zapp Brannigan

Well, I have studied abroad...or two!

Zapp Brannigan

Captain's journal. Star date; 3000.3.

Kif

Who are you talking to, sir?

Zapp Brannigan

You! Aren't you getting this? We have detected a vessel attempting to break the security cordon around Vergon 6. I'm anticipating an all-out tactical dogfight, followed by a light dinner... ravioli, ham, sundae bar.

Zapp Brannigan

Have the boy lay out my formal shorts.

Kif

The boy, Sir?

Zapp Brannigan

You. You lay out my formal shorts.

Kif

Sir, can I speak with you?

Zapp Brannigan

No!

Kif

But, sir, it's an emergency.

Zapp Brannigan

Come back when it's a catastrophe.

Zapp Brannigan

[stands up] Oh, very well.

Zapp Brannigan

Kif, I'm feeling the "Captain's itch".

Kif

I'll get the powder, sir.

Kif

Sir, remember your course correction?

Zapp Brannigan

No.

Kif

Well, it's proving somewhat more suicidal than we had initially hoped.

Zapp Brannigan

Don't blame yourself, Kif. We were doomed from the start. I guess all that remains now is for the captain to go down with the ship.

Kif

That's surprisingly noble of you, sir.

Zapp Brannigan

No, it's noble of you, Kif. As of now, you're in command. Congratulations, Captain.

Kif

This is a pleasure cruise. Our path is decided by the travel agency.

Zapp Brannigan

That's for schoolgirls. Now here's a course with some chest hair. [Draws a meandering line on the chart]

Kif

But that leads us straight through a swarm of comets.

Zapp Brannigan

Ah, yes. Comets, the icebergs of the sky.

Zapp Brannigan

The key to victory is discipline, and that means a well made bed. You will practice until you can make your bed in your sleep.

Fry

You mean while I'm sleeping in it?

Zapp Brannigan

You won't have time for sleeping, soldier, not with all the bed making you'll be doing.

Zapp Brannigan

[having just seen another massive spaceship appear] What the hell is that thing?!

Kif Kroker

It appears to be the mother ship.

Zapp Brannigan

Then what did we just blow up?

Kif Kroker

The Hubble Telescope.

Zapp Brannigan

Our mission is clear: Destroy all alien lifeforms.

Kif Kroker

Um...not me, sir.

Zapp Brannigan

Right. Nobody destroy Kif. Unless you have to.

Lrrr

Surely you know McNeal! She is an unmarried human female struggling to succeed in a human male's world!

Zapp Brannigan

Maybe that's just her excuse for being incompetent.

Lrrr

SILENCE!

Zapp Brannigan

My friends, you can take away a man's title and his uniform but you can never take away his integrity or his honour. Plus it was mostly Kif's fault.

Kif Kroker

What?

Kif Kroker, you are also stripped of your rank and dishonourably discharged.