Zoidberg quotes from Futurama

Zoidberg

[prays] God, it's Zoidberg. I hate to bother you, but- [A huge bag full of money lands directly in front of him] Okay, okay, I'll shut up!

Zoidberg

Look out, penny slots, I've got a system! It's to put all my money in you!

Zoidberg

But, robot, you can't just make up a folk song like you can a medical diploma, they have to come from the heart!

Zoidberg

First, let me pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming! [He pinches his arm with his claw and cuts it open.] [screaming] Owch! I forgot I was a giant crab!

Farnsworth

Now, Fry, before you go into space, you'll need to see our staff doctor. I should warn you, though, he's a little unusual. [whispering] He wears sandals. [The door opens. Dr. Zoidberg, who is indeed wearing sandals, turns his head. Fry shrieks.] Dr. Zoidberg, this is Fry, the new delivery boy. He needs a physical.

Zoidberg

Excellent, excellent. [He bends over and retrieves a medical tool.]

Farnsworth

You'll be fine. [he leaves]

Zoidberg

Now open your mouth and lets have a look at that brain.

Zoidberg

No, no, not that mouth.

Fry

I only have one.

Zoidberg

Really? [he pulls a reference card from his top pocket, then looks at it]

Fry

Uh... is there a human doctor around?

Zoidberg

[angrily] Young lady, I am an expert on humans. Now pick a mouth, open it and say [makes a bizarre gurgling noise]!

Fry

Uh... [clears throat, then very poorly imitates the noise Zoidberg had just made]

Zoidberg

[even more angrily] What?! My mother was a SAINT! GET OUT!!!

Prof. Farnsworth

I'm sorry, Fry, but anchovies went extinct in the 2200s.

Fry

Wha?

Prof. Farnsworth

Oh, my, yes. Fished out of existence... just about the time your people arrived on Earth, Dr. Zoidberg.

Zoidberg

I'm not on trial here.

Fry

So, none of you have ever had anchovies? Oh, man! You don't know what you're missing. They were salty and oily and melted in your mouth...

Zoidberg

Okay, okay! I admit it! My people ate them all! We kept saying one more couldn't hurt, and then they were gone! We're sorry!

Zoidberg

That stench. That heavenly stench! [Eats all the anchovies] More...

Fry

There aren't any more, and there never will be.

Zoidberg

[advances menacingly] More...More! More! MORE!!! [camera zooms into Zoidberg's pupil, revealing the end credits]

Bender

There was nothing wrong with that food. The salt level was 10% less than a lethal dose.

Zoidberg

Uh-oh! I shouldn't have had seconds.

Leela

Bender, we didn't mind your drinking, or your kleptomania, or your pornography ring.

Zoidberg

In fact, that's why we loved you.

Leela

But this electricity abuse crossed the line. You almost killed us.

Fry

And you made me feel like a jerk for trusting you. Just like when my friend Richie swore he wasn't taking drugs, and then he sold me my mom's VCR, and then, later, I found out he was taking drugs. You make me ashamed to be your friend.

Hermes

Our electrical bill is climbing higher than a green snake up a sugar cane. Obviously someone here has been using a whole heap of juice. [points at Zoidberg] Probably you!

Zoidberg

Me?

Hermes

And as a further cost-cutting measure, I have eliminated the salt water cooler.

Zoidberg

This is a witch hunt!

Leela

Oh, God, not Zapp Brannigan.

Dr. Zoidberg

You know Zapp Brannigan?

Leela

Let's just say we've crossed paths.

Bender

Was that before or after you slept with him?

Leela

Are you alright?

Bender

Ah, it's nothing a lawsuit won't cure.

Leela

Not you. [She picks up Nibbler and looks in his mouth.] Aww, poor baby chipped a fang.

Bender

Hey, I got a busted ass here, I don't see anyone kissing it!

Zoidberg

Alright, I'm coming.

Zoidberg

You, a bobsledder? That I'd like to see!

Hermes

Listen, you filthy crab! 1,000 years ago, there was a legendary team of Jamaican bobsledders.

Fry

Yep, I remember. They came in last at the Olympics, then retired to promote alcoholic beverages.

Hermes

A true inspiration for the children.

Leela

Fry's outside? He's in great danger!

Dr. Zoidberg

Why?

Leela

I'm telling you why! Because Santa Claus is coming to town!

You have all been very naughty! Very naughty indeed! Except you, Dr. Zoidberg. This is for you.

Dr. Zoidberg

A pogo stick!