A character in Futurama
Played by Billy West
Futurama · 1,210 quotes
5th most-quoted character in Futurama: in 110 of its 1,210 quotes
Most scenes with: Philip J. Fry (36), Turanga Leela (28), Bender (21)
[spoken] Now let's all of us shut up and sing!
[singing] He knows when you are sleeping,
[singing] He knows when you're on the can,
[singing] He'll hunt you down and blast your ass from here to Pakistan.
Dr. Zoidberg[singing] Oh,
[singing] You'd better not breathe, you'd better not move,
[singing] You're better off dead, I'm telling you, dude.
[singing] Santa Claus is gunning you down!
[Everyone cheers. Farnsworth takes off his lab coat, exposing himself again.]
Merry Xmas, everyone!
Dr. ZoidbergNow Fry, it's been a few years since medical school, so remind me. Disemboweling in your species: fatal or non-fatal?
Fatal.
Dr. Zoidberg[To Bender] Large bet on myself in round one.
See you at the frenzy, Doctor [He makes a gibberish noise].
Is that how you say "Zoidberg"? [The Decapodian runs off crying]
Zoidberg[angrily] You didn't have to call attention to his speech impediment.
[Dr. Zoidberg is attempting to woo Edna, with help from Fry.]
Tell her you just want to talk. It has nothing to do with mating.
Dr. Zoidberg[to Edna] I just want to talk. It has nothing to do with mating. [to Fry] Fry, that doesn't make sense.
Dr. Zoidberg, that doesn't make sense. But okay.
Tell her she looks thin.
Dr. ZoidbergYou seem malnourished. Are you suffering from intestinal parasites?
Why yes! Thanks for noticing.
Dr. Zoidberg[to Fry] Now what?
Ask her how her day was.
Dr. ZoidbergWhy would I want to know that?
You wouldn't. Ask anyway!
[after the "Frenzy" has finished]
Dr. ZoidbergNow how am I going to get rid of my male jelly?
I'll lend you this. [Waves severed arm]
ZoidbergThere you are, good as new. Except for your dorsal fin, I'm afraid I couldn't find it after the crash.
Can I live without it?
ZoidbergIf you call that living.
[With a brain-slug attached] Your mission today is to go to the Brain-Slug Planet.
ZoidbergWhat are we going to do there?
Just walk around not wearing a helmet.
[Spoken] Requisition me a beat!
[Number 1.0 plays some music]
[Singing]
When I was four there was a hurricane in Kingston Town,
With a foot and a half of water,
Everyone was alright but I cried all night,
It blew my alphabet blocks out of order,
And they said, "This boy's born to be a bureaucrat,
Born to be all obsessive and snotty,"
I made my friends and relations file long applications,
To get into my 10th birthday party.
But something changed when my man turned pro.
I was sortin' but I wasn't smilin'.
He forgot that it's not about badges and ranks.
It's supposed to be about the filing! People!
We didn't choose to be bureaucrats,
No, that's what almighty Jah made us,
We treat people like swine,
And make 'em stand in line,
Even if nobody paid us!
They say the world looks down on the bureaucrats,
They say we're anal, compulsive and weird,
But when push comes to shove,
You gotta do what you love,
Even if it's not a good idea.
Zoidberg!
ZoidbergThey said I probably shouldn't be a surgeon.
They pooh-poohed my electric frankfurter.
They said I probably shouldn't fly with just one eye. [A tube hits her in the eye.]
I am Bender. Please insert girder.
Everybody sing Jamaica! [He limbos under the flying tubes]
Jamaica!
Just the bureaucrats, Jamaica!
Jamaica!
The grade 19's!
Jamaica.
[Hermes starts a conga line with the bureaucrats]
Sing me home!
When push comes to shove,
You gotta do what you love,
Even if it's not a good idea!
[He picks up a red tube, takes Bender's disk out of it and throws it into Bender's head. Bender's personality resurfaces]
I'm Bender, baby! Please insert liquor!
[Whilst underwater]
ZoidbergNooo! My home, it burnt down! How did this happen?
That's a very good question...
Ah, so that's where I left my cigar!
...That just raises further questions!!
Dr. Zoidberg[sees a guinea pig on a plate] What's this? Two meals in one week?
[Zoidberg devours the live guinea pig, and is trapped behind a glass box]
Gotcha!
Sucker!
Dr. ZoidbergFriends, help! A guinea pig tricked me!
[sees Dr. Zoidberg wrecking havoc] Hey, I call this city! Quit touching my stuff!
Dr. ZoidbergTell It To The Claw!
Ohhh, you've killed me! You've killed me!
Oh God, what have I done?
I just told you! You've killed me!
[The anteaters finish him off. All that is left of him is his skeleton and his lab coat. An anteater coughs up his glasses onto his skull. Planet Express Corridor. Leela stand outside the lounge rubbing her hands.]
Ok, just try to be nonchalant.
[Planet Express: Lounge. Leela walks in whistling nonchalantly.]
ZoidbergAlright, so you're nonchalant. Quit rubbing our noses in it.
What are you hacking off? Is it my torso?! It is! My precious torso!
ZoidbergHermes, quiet! I'm deducing things.
Who are you?
Scruffy, the janitor.
I've never seen you before.
And I've never seen you before neither.
ZoidbergQuiet, please.
What are you monsters? Is one of you I.C. Wienner?
Dr. ZoidbergIf that's his pizza, then I'm I.C. Whatever.
Philip J. FryBilly West · 404 quotes
BenderJohn DiMaggio · 356 quotes
Turanga LeelaKatey Sagal · 297 quotes
Professor Hubert FarnsworthBilly West · 249 quotes
Hermes ConradPhil LaMarr · 106 quotes
Amy WongLauren Tom · 91 quotes
Zapp BranniganBilly West · 76 quotes
Kif KrokerMaurice LaMarche · 30 quotes
LrrrMaurice LaMarche · 18 quotes
MorboMaurice LaMarche · 18 quotes
Cubert FarnsworthKath Soucie · 15 quotes
NibblerFrank Welker · 15 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Futurama pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
