Professor Hubert Farnsworth quotes from Futurama

Amy

You're going to Nigel 7? Kif's on patrol near there, you could drop me off on the way!

Prof. Farnsworth

We could but we won't. It's a spaceship, damn it, not a prom limousine! If anyone needs me I'll be in the Angry Dome!

Hermes

I order you to dispose of that toxic waste properly or bribe me. Either way, it'll cost you $500.

Bender

500 real dollars? That's an outrage! Professor, I can take care of that waste for only $499 and one hundred cents.

Prof. Farnsworth

Hmm, I know that's a rip, but I'll pay for the convenience.

Fry

Isn't that the same machine that makes noses?

Prof. Farnsworth

It can do other things, why shouldn't it?

Prof. Farnsworth

Remember, we need to show these people that we are not bitter husks of human beings, who long ago abandoned hope of finding love in this lifetime. Leela, you'll have to do some acting.

Leela

Check.

Cubert

Hey dad, bite my shiny metal ass!

Professor

What?! Such an action would be extremely uncomfortable for both of us!

Prof. Farnsworth

Those ruffians smoked one of your cigars.

Hermes

That's not a cigar... and it's not mine.

Fry

What kind of bozos would form a Bender protest group?

Prof. Farnsworth

Good news, everyone! Hermes and I have formed a Bender protest group.

Dr. Zoidberg

That was uncanny.

Hermes

Well, I'd say we all learned a valuable lesson about TV there.

Cubert

What was it?

Uh ... that we should all take TV a little less seriously. And more importantly, turn it off once in a while.

So, should we turn it off now?

Well, uh, that depends what's on.

Fry

Nothing good.

Ah, let's just keep watching.

Bender

Yo, Captain Catarats. Why are we stopping here?

Professor Farnsworth

It's almost 2:30. Just in time for the early bird dinner special.

Fry

What about your gargoyle?

Professor Farnsworth

My wha?

Fry

We miss the turn. We'll never catch up.

Leela

Yes we will. This pipe goes under Planet Express, and it's 9:00 PM.

Professor Farnsworth

The devil take this predictable colon!

Sir, it's not necessary or wise to be naked.

Professor Farnsworth

Oh! You sound just like my tennis instructor!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth

These bees are larger than most Buicks, and twice as ugly.

Fry

Larger than an American sedan? How big is the honeycomb?

Hermes

Honeycomb's big, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bender

It's not small?

Hermes

No, no, no.

Leela

[crying] It's all my fault! He died because of me!

Farnsworth

[comforting] No, no, no, no, no, no. [shouting to Bender] I'm lying to make her feel better!

Leela

That proves it! Fry is alive somewhere and he's reaching me in my dreams!

Prof. Farnsworth

Bull-pies!

Leela

[Is lying on a table her head lying in a box] Is this some sort of brain scanner?

Prof. Farnsworth

Some sort, yes. In France, it's called a guillotine! [Pulls a lever]

Leela

AAGH!!! [Gets off the table just as the knife flies down and slices the box in half] Professor! Can't you examine my brain without removing it?

Prof. Farnsworth

Yes...very easily. [waves a device over Leela's head]