Professor Hubert Farnsworth quotes from Futurama

Leela

I think the owner is from Cygnus 5.

Prof. Farnsworth

Cygnoids, in our block? Fie and foo! They should go back to where they came from!

Leela

Professor, please. Society is never gonna make any progress until we all learn to pretend to like each other. Now, let's go over there and make these hideous strangers feel welcome.

Prof. Farnsworth

No.

Prof. Farnsworth

Why is your number 7/8?

Leela

All the whole numbers have been retired.

Prof. Farnsworth

Your basic bending unit is made of an iron-osmium alloy, but Bender was different. Bender had an 0.04% nickel impurity.

Bender

It's what made me me.

Bender

You've convinced me life is worth living... by showing me how bad my funeral will suck!

Amy

I know whose funeral we'll be attending next!

Prof. Farnsworth

Oh, stop.

Bender

Whoa, you look better than you used to for some reason.

Amy

You're not so bad yourself, big boy. [kisses Bender]

Bender

Hey that felt great! [kisses the Professor] Nah, it's not working anymore.

Farnsworth

Speak for yourself.

Wernstrom

When did he die?

Farnsworth

About twelve hours ago, when the party started.

Wernstrom

But he just said "Woo!"

Farnsworth

No, that was just air escaping from the folds of his fat. [pushes against Bender's fat]

Bender

Woo!

Good evening, ignorant pigs. Put down your crack pipes and your beer bongs and pay attention as I sign an historic peace accord with Ambassador Kong of Nintendu 64.

Fry

Hey, I know that monkey, his name is Donkey.

Farnsworth

Monkeys aren't donkeys. Quit messing with my head!

Farnsworth

What do you nice kids want?

Zoidberg

Nothing. I'm leaving. But if you had extra courage I'd haul it away for you, maybe.

Farnsworth

Oh blithery poop, my cowardly lobster. You don't need courage. After all, who needs courage when you have a gun?

Prof. Farnsworth

For example, if you killed your grandfather, you'd cease to exist!

Fry

But existing is basically all I do!

Prof. Farnsworth

Start the ship, Leela! Let's just steal the dish and get back to our own time.

Fry

But won't that change history?

Prof. Farnsworth

Oooh, a lesson in not changing history from "Mr. I'm-My-Own-Grandpa"!

Leela

Oh, I'm sorry. Now I'll axe you again. Where is the mi-cro-wave?

Sir, your wife is hysterical, so I'll address this to you. This oven is lightning-fast. It only takes five hours to cook a pot roast.

Prof. Farnsworth

Ooh, that's good news! You know, you don't cook enough roasts, Leela.

Prof. Farnsworth

[to salesman] Women!

Leela

Well, settle in. Without a microwave, we're stuck in this time period.

Prof. Farnsworth

Oh, Lord! We'll have to endure the horrible music of the Big Bopper, and then the terrible tragedy of his death.

Prof. Farnsworth

What the hell have you done, Fry?

Fry

Relax! She can't be my grandmother. I figured it all out.

Prof. Farnsworth

Of course she's your grandmother, you perverted dope! Look!

[wearing glasses and knitting] Come back to bed, deary.

Fry

[screams] It's impossible! I mean, if she's my grandmother, who's my grandfather?

Prof. Farnsworth

Isn't it obvious?

Prof. Farnsworth

You are!

Leela

Anything yet, professor?

Prof. Farnsworth

I'm afraid the Smelloscope can't locate Bender. His fragrance is too mild. It's being overwhelmed by local sources.

Dr. Zoidberg

Hooray! People are paying attention to me.

Professor Farnsworth

Yes, it's a perfect scale model of the universe's largest bottle. I put a tiny spaceship inside to keep it from being boring. [Zoidberg excitedly tries to reach the bottle] Get--! [furiously snatches the bottle away] For the last time, Zoidberg, look with your eyes, not with your claws!

Fry

Brace yourselves. Bender is making us brunch.

Dr. Zoidberg

Oh, boy!

Professor Farnsworth

Oh, God! My tract! [clutches his stomach]