Philip J. Fry quotes from Futurama

Fry

Now he's trapped in a book I wrote: a crummy world of plot holes and spelling errors.

The Big Brain am winning again! I am the greetest! Muahahahaha! Now I am leaving Earth for no raisin!

Fry

What's so wonderful about Leela being normal? The rest of us aren't normal and that's what makes us great. Like Dr. Zoidberg: He's a weird monster who smells like he eats garbage and does.

Zoidberg

Damn right!

Fry

The Professor's a senile, amoral crackpot.

Fry

Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant.

Hermes

Tally me banana.

Fry

Amy's a klutz from Mars.

Amy

Sploops!

Farnsworth

And, Fry, you've got that brain thing.

Fry

I already did! So, Leela, do you wanna be like us? Or do you wanna be like Adlai with no severe mental or social problems whatsoever?

Leela

That's the dumbest question I ever heard!

Fry

[after Leela says that she was fine the way she was before] Yaaaaaaaaaay!

Leela

Shut up, Fry.

Leela

Wow, look at that: Olympus Mons, the tallest volcano in the solar system.

Fry

Where?

Leela

Right in front of you.

Fry

Oh. Oh!

Fry

Let me guess. He thinks he's Abraham Lincoln.

Well, he's supposed to, but he has multiple personalities. All of them Lincoln.

I was born in 200 log cabins.

Leela

Fry, stay back, he's too powerful!

Fry

Negative, bossy meat creature.

Fry

Fear not. I shall assist ye.

Hermes

Robots don't say "ye"!

Fry

Relax, mammal. My robotic software shall meet your calculatory needs. What is the meaning of this symbol?

Hermes

That's a plus sign, ya pointy-haired loony! Quit thinking you're a robot!

Fry

I'll show ye...

Hey, Red. You're just in time for the hostage situation. Which side do you want to be on?

Fry

The side that kicks your twisted, metal ass.

Bender

Those pork dumplings sent us on a fake pizza delivery!

Fry

The address was to "Dogdoo 8", but the universe ends right after Dogdoo 7.

Hermes

[to Dwight] Child mon, is this true?

Yeah, but why are you mad at us? Your dummy brigade wasted a week on an obviously fake mission.

Cubert

[points at Bender] Plus, they're making bootleg beer inside company property!

Bender

[nervously] Lies! Lies and slander! [belches foam]

Accusing gentle Bender of a misdeed?! That's the last straw! You boys have been underfoot long enough!

Hermes

You jerked the words right outta my mouth! We're their fathers, and it's high times we acted like it!

Bender

[eagerly] Ooh-hoo! Here comes violence!

Hermes

[clears his throat] Get a job, you lazy kids!

Bender

[groans, then gets out a baseball bat] I guess if you want children beaten, you have to do it yourself.

Bender

We're making beer. I'm the brewery.

I heard alcohol makes you stupid.

Fry

No I'm ... doesn't.

Leela

Actually, Dwight, you're right. Alcohol is very, very bad ... for children. But once you turn 21 it becomes very, very good.

Hermes

People, as you know, our young sons have become great successes in the very same field as us.

Bender

All right!

Fry

That's great!

Leela

That's good.

Hermes

Naturally, we're humiliated.

Farnsworth

That's why we need you, our loyal crew, to make Planet Express eight-hundred-percent more profitable.

Hermes

We'll start by slashing salaries. And this time, I mean REALLY slashing.

Leela

Uh, guys, I don't know how to tell you this... so I'll just let Fry blurt it out thoughtlessly.

Fry

[cheerfully] We don't work for you anymore!

Farnsworth

What?!

Bender

Ah, beer. So many choices, and it makes so little difference.

Fry

How 'bout Löwbrau? It has dots.

Bender

Overruled! The choice of champions is Pabst Blue Robot.

Fry

I can't drink that. The metal shavings make my throat bloody.

Bender

Wah, wah! Baby wants a Zima!

Leela

Hey, hey! We can all fight when we're drunk.

Bender

What's that? One of those Led Zeppelins I've heard so much about?

Fry

No, it's an old Volkswagen van. [to Sal, shouting] Hey, Mister? Mind if I take this old van?

Sal

Sure. You wanna dump the corpses out of theres, it's yourses.

Fry

Yeah, yeah, I've gotten used cars before.

Leela

What's that? One of those Jefferson Starships I've heard so much about?

Fry

It's called a van, and in light of the fact that it's not a-rockin', I invite you to come a-knockin'!

Prof. Farnsworth

Where's the device that lets you speed or slow the passage of time?

Fry

Under the seat. [Holds up a bong]

Fry

She just needs some gas.

Prof. Farnsworth

Wrong again, idiot. There is no gas. Petroleum preserves went dry in 2038.

Leela

Gas was an environmental disaster, anyway. Now we use alternative fuels.

Fry

Like what?

Leela

Whale oil. Bender, lift it up to the can opener.

Bender

Oh, no! I'm not going near it. Last time, that magnetic psycho nearly cut my head off.

Fry

Oh, right. Plus, the magnet screws up your inhibition unit and makes you sing folk songs.

Bender

What? Who said anything about me secretly wanting to be a folk singer? How ridiculous.

Fry

Bender, if you don't open that can right now, your fear will own you, and nothing that can opener could ever do would be worse than that.

Bender

OK, OK, I can do this. It's time to take life by the cans.

Leela

Come on!

Hermes

You can do it!

Amy

Bender!

Farnsworth

Go on, you dummy!

Bender

Jimmy crack corn and I don't care,

Bender

Jimmy crack corn and I don't care,

Fry

Oh, no!

Bender

Jimmy crack corn and I don't care,

Bender

'Cause the master's gone away.