Monica Geller quotes from Friends

Chandler

Why must everybody watch me sleep? There will be no more watching me sleep!

Monica

I was-

Chandler

Nah! No more.

Monica

Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts, and a wing.

Chandler

Well, how do you find clothes that fit?

Monica

Joey, they're not real.

Joey

...Uh, what?

Monica

Mine start miles beneath the surface. See. [squeezes one twice, it goes "HONK, HONK"]

Chandler

Wow, it's like porno for clowns.

Phoebe

He resurfaces like every couple years and we have the most amazing three days together.

Rachel

So, wait -- this guy goes down for, like, two years at a time?

Monica

That'll teach you to lick my muffin.

Rachel

What happened to your jam plan?

Monica

I figured out I need to charge seventeen bucks a jar just to break even. So, I've got a new plan now... Babies.

Chandler

Well, you're gonna need much bigger jars.

Ross

What are you talking about?

Monica

I'm talking about me having a baby.

Ross

What?

Monica

Yeah. The great thing about the jam plan was, I was taking control of my life. So I asked myself, what is the most important thing to me in the world and that's when I came up with the baby plan.

Ross

Well, aren't you forgettin' something? What, what, what is, uh, what is that guy's name? Dad!

Monica

[looking over possible sperm donors] Okay, all right, how's this? 27, Italian-American guy. He's an actor, born in Queens. Wow, big family, seven sisters, and he's the only....boy. [Everyone looks at Joey] Oh, my God. Under personal comments: "New York Knicks rule!"

Joey

Yeah, the Knicks rule!

Monica

Don't do that guy thing where you go all distant and mean, just so that WE'LL break up with you.

Joey

You know about that?

Monica

What kind of martial arts is that?

Phoebe

No kind.

Joey

Well, there was that one time that Monica and Rachel got together.

Monica

What?

Rachel

Excuse me, there was no time!

Joey

Okay, but let's say there was. How might that go?

Ross

When you guys were kids, and played, uh, "Happy Days," who were you? I was always Richie.

Monica

I was always Joanie!

Joey

Question. Was, uh, "Egg the Gellers!" the war cry of your neighborhood?

Phoebe

I'm not sure about buying a mattress from Janice's ex-husband. It's like cheating on Chandler.

Monica

Not at these prices!

Phoebe

oh my God I killed and this curse is getting stronger too to take a target that big

Phoebe

He's alive! ALIVE!

Monica

And yet we're still poking him.

Joey

Retract the device! Retract the device!

Ross

He does not look happy.

Rachel

And now he's showing us his poking device.

Joey

[to Ugly Naked Guy] Hey, that's never gonna reach all the way over here, buddy!

Phoebe

How can you not know which one?

Rachel

I mean, that's unbelievable.

I mean, was it Gina?

Ross

Which one is Gina?

Rachel

Dark, big hair, with the airplane earrings.

Monica

No, no, no, that's Dina.

Chandler

You see, you can't tell which one is which either!

Chandler

Veronica. Look, it's got to be Veronica, the girl in the red skirt. I definitely stuck my tongue down her throat.

Monica

That was me.

Six dollars, please.

Monica

Six? I just had it for one night. It's three.

Eight o'clock is the cut-off and -- aww, it's 8:02.

Monica

You know, in a weird way, you have too much power.