Monica Geller quotes from Friends

Even though your chances of conceiving through natural means aren't great, you never know. So keep having sex on a regular basis.

Chandler

[sarcastically] Oh, dammit!

Monica

Don't worry; after a while, you'll tune it out.

Monica

David, can you help me?! I'm trying to explain to Chandler how a plane stays in the air.

Oh, certainly. That's a combination of Bernoulli's principle and Newton's third law of motion.

Monica

[To Chandler] See?

Chandler

Yeah, that's the same as "it has something to do with wind".

Monica

Wow! That Mike thing was interesting! I don't know what's gonna happen with Phoebe and David.

Chandler

[Smiling cheekily] I do! Want a hint? huh? "I do" [Monica looks confused, so Chandler repeats] "I do".

Monica

Ok, I'm sensing that this is some kind of word play, because you are pink with barely controlled glee.

Chandler

David is going to propose to Phoebe.

Monica

What? [Looks very shocked] Why?

Chandler

Be-cause, we were talking about ways that he could beat Mike and I told him that Phoebe wanted to get married.

Monica

Chandler, we have talked about this. You are not supposed to give people advice! Now couldn't you just have made some sort of inappropriate joke?

Chandler

I did! A penis one!

Chandler

[wins at ping pong] I never sucked. I just didn't want you to know how good I was.

Monica

Why?

Chandler

I don't know.

Monica

This is so great! Now we can enter into doubles tournaments.

Chandler

That's why.

Chandler

Now that I've untangled you, how about you do something for me?

Monica

What do you have in mind?

Chandler

I think you know.

Monica

I really don't feel like it!

Chandler

This is what I want to do.

Monica

All right! I just don't see why you like it so much!

Chandler

[holding up 'Miss Congeniality' tape] She's an FBI agent posing as a beauty contestant!

Chandler

She's turning on the TV, it's Miss Congeniality!.

Monica

Babe, if you know it through a wall, you know it too well.

Rachel

Ross, don't forget to take a shot of Emma's cake. It's in a box in the fridge.

Ross

Sure.

Rachel

[to Monica] You're going to love this cake! I got from from a bakery in New Jersey, Carino's!

Monica

That place has the creamiest frosting! I used to hitchhike there when I was a kid!

Rachel

Well, they make make these great novelty cakes in different shapes; and if you give them a photo, they'll copy it in icing!

Monica

Did you do a picture of Emma?

Rachel

On a cake shaped like a bunny!

Ross

Does this bakery by any chance bake erotic cakes, for bachelorette parties?

Rachel

What are you talking? -OH, MY...! They put my baby's face on a penis!

Phoebe

Now it's a party!

Rachel

This is not funny! If I wanted this cake to be a disaster, I would have baked it myself!

Joey

Is it okay that I still think it looks delicious?

Judy

Jack, look at this!

Jack

I know what you're thinking! The resemblance is uncanny!

Ross

[angry] I am THIS close to tugging on my testicles again!!

Rachel

[on the phone] No, this is NOT what I ordered! I drove to New Jersey to get my daughter a cake for her birthday and I need a bunny cake right now!

Ross

Ask them if it would be faster to cut the baby's face off the penis and put it on the bunny. [to himself] That is a weird sentence.

Rachel

[on the phone with the bakery] Oh, believe you me, I am going to bring this cake back. I don't even want it in my home... JOEY, DON'T TOUCH IT!

Joey

I'm so confused!

Rachel

I still want my daughter's face on a cake, but a bunny cake! Yellow cake, chocolate frosting with nuts!

Chandler

To be fair, this one does have nuts.

Joey

Finished my recommendation, and I think you'll be very, very happy. It's the longest I've ever spent on a computer without looking at porn.

Chandler

I don't... understand

Joey

Some of the words a little too sophisticated for you?

Monica

It doesn't make any sense.

Joey

Of course it does. It's smart. I used a thesaurus.

Chandler

On every word?

Joey

Yep!

Monica

What was this sentence originally?

Joey

Oh, "They're warm, nice people with big hearts."

Chandler

And that became, "They're humid, prepossessing Homo sapiens with full-sized aortic pumps."

Joey

And hey, I really mean it, dude.

Monica

Uh, Joey, I don't think we can use this.

Joey

Why not?

Monica

Well, because you signed it "Baby Kangaroo" Tribbiani.

Monica

[to the adoption lady] We're so glad you're here. We're really excited about getting this process started.

Chandler

Because we love kids. Love them to death. Well, not actually to death. That's just a figure of speech. We love kids the appropriate amount... as allowed by law.

Chandler

Look! Look what the-Look what the floating heads did!

Monica

I don't care.

Chandler

What's going on?

Monica

That was the adoption agency.

Chandler

And?

Monica

We're getting a baby!

Chandler

ARE YOU SERIOUS?! [They embrace]

Monica

Did you at least get the pies?

Phoebe

Pies!?! We thought you said prize!

Monica

Grand Supreme Little Darling?

Rachel

Con-grat-u-la-tions!!!

Monica

Mmmm...this cake is amazing!

Rachel

[repulsed] Get a room!

Monica

I would get a room with this cake. I could show this cake a good time!

Phoebe

If you had to, what would you give up? Food or sex?

Monica

[quickly] Sex.

Chandler

[unimpressed] Seriously, answer faster!

Monica

I'm sorry! When she said sex I wasn't thinking about sex with you!

Chandler

[still feeling hurt] It's like a giant hug!

Phoebe

Ross, how about you? Which would you give up? Sex or food?

Ross

[quickly] Food!

Phoebe

How about sex or dinosaurs?

Ross

[in a state of uncertainty] My...! It's like Sophie's Choice!

Rachel

What about you Joe? What would you give up? Sex or food?

Joey

[after thinking] I don't know, it's too hard!

Rachel

No, you have to pick one!

Joey

[quickly] Food! No, sex! Food! Sex! Food! Sex...I don't know, I want both! I want girls on bread!

Monica

So, what'd you think of the house?

Chandler

It's perfect! It's everything we've been looking for!

Monica

Isn't it? And what about the amazing wainscoting and the crown molding and the dormer windows in the attic?

Chandler

And the wigglewoms and the zipzorps?... What were the things you said?

Ross

We think Chandler might be having an affair.

Monica

What?

Rachel

Phoebe and I saw Chandler with a blonde woman today outside on the street, and then we followed them to a house in Westchester.

Phoebe

They went in together. I'm so sorry.

Monica

Oh, my... oh, my, that's awful... What did you think of the house?

Phoebe

What?

Joey

Monica, you understand what we're saying, right?

Monica

Yeah... sure... I'm... devastated, obviously!... Did you think the neighborhood was homey?

Chandler

Hey!

Joey

You son of a bitch.

Chandler

Is it me, or have the greetings really gone downhill around here?

Chandler

Why would I kiss a girl and then put her on your bed?

Ross

Well, then, who was on my bed?

Monica

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Ross

[pause, then it hits] No! No! No!

Monica

Yes!

Ross

You were under the pile of coats?

Monica

I was the pile of coats!

Ross

Oh my...!

Monica

You were my midnight mystery kisser?

Ross

You were my first kiss with Rachel?

Monica

You were my first kiss ever?

Chandler

What did I marry into?