Monica Geller quotes from Friends

Monica

So, is everyone else working on Christmas Eve, too?

Chandler

No, I sent everyone home.

Monica

You are such a good boss.

Chandler

Yeah, I know. It's just me and Wendy.

Monica

Who's Wendy? That sounds like a girl's name.

Chandler

Well, yeah...

Joey

Oh, Wendy was the one who was runner up for Ms. Oklahoma.

Monica

You're alone in the same room as the second prettiest girl in Oklahoma?

Chandler

Well... The second prettiest that year. If you count it now, she's probably the...

Rachel

Oh, Chandler, stop talking.

Monica

[about Emma's new nanny, Molly] What's the big deal with her? Maybe she's attractive in an obvious kind of way.

Ross

Yeah, obvious beauty's the worst. You know, when it's right there in your face. Me, I like to have to work to find someone attractive. Makes me feel like I earned it.

Chandler

Today is the 6th.

Monica

No. [Shows Chandler a calendar]

Chandler

Yes. It's also 2003.

Monica

That means I may be done ovulating! I may also have served some very questionable meat at the restaurant!

Monica

[On the phone with Rachel, panicking because Emma's missing] Hey, Rach, by any chance, did you come by here and pick Emma up?

Rachel

No, why?

Monica

Oh, my...! Then that means...[Just then, Joey comes in the door holding Emma] Oh, Emma! Thank God! There you are!

Rachel

[Worried] Wha-what do you mean "There you are"?! Where was she?!

Monica

[Forgetting Rachel was still on the phone] Oh, uh, we were just playing peek-a-boo. She loves it when I'm dramatic. [Quickly hangs up]

Monica

[To Joey] Why the hell did you take her?!

Joey

Because you two were having [Whispers last word so Emma doesn't hear] sex!

Monica

No, we weren't.

Joey

Don't you lie to me. I can tell by Chandler's hair. [To Chandler] You are so lazy. Can't you get on top for once?

Chandler

[Embarrassed, tries to fix his messy hair] All right, we were! We were trying to make a baby. Monica's ovulating.

Joey

Which is more than I can say for myself as of 2:00 today. [He and Chandler laugh, and Joey indicates that he peed on Monica's ovulation sticks]

Monica

You guys! Seriously, those sticks are expensive!

Joey

Hey, it is unacceptable that you'd have sex with Emma in the next room. I'm gonna have to tell Rachel about this.

No, no! Please don't. She'll kill us.

Joey

Hey, I gotta. Unless...

Chandler

Unless what?

Joey

Unless you name your first-born child Joey.

Chandler

What? Why?

Joey

Hey, I may never have kids. And someone has to carry on my family name.

Chandler

Your family name is Tribbiani.

Joey

[Thinks this over for a few seconds] Oh-ho, you almost had me. [He leaves, and Chandler covers his face with his hands at the sheer ignorance of Joey]

Phoebe

Okay, I wasn't rich like you guys, okay? I didn't eat gold and have a flying pony. I had a hard life! My mother was killed by a drug dealer.

Monica

Your mother killed herself!

Phoebe

She was a drug dealer!

Chandler

And here, look, they've got these wheels that pop out the bottom so you can roll around. Apparently, walking is too much exercise. Kids, kids! Roll your way to childhood obesity!

Monica

Wow. Kids today have such an easier time getting fat.

Rachel

Are you saying that women can't do it?

Joey

Women can do it; you can't.

Rachel

Monica, will you please tell Joey that he's a pig?

Monica

[to Joey] You're a pig. [to Rachel] And you can't do this.

Rachel

Well, I found the hardware store by myself!

Joey

The hardware store's just down the street.

Rachel

There's a hardware store down the street?

Rachel

Joey! Why did you tell Chandler that Monica was getting a boob job?

Joey

Because she is!

Monica

Joey, Chandler knows I borrowed the money.

Joey

Mm-hmm! For your boob job!

It's over, Joe!

Joey

Okay. So I'm out four thousand dollars and nobody's boobs are getting any bigger?

Ross

I'm dead and no one cares.

Monica

I look like a man!

Chandler

Just one problem at a time, please. Ross, you only gave them one day's notice, of course no one's going to come in just one day. And Monica, it's probably the way you stand.

Monica

We need to sort through the tickets as quickly as possible to see if we won. Does anybody have any ideas how to organize this? [abruptly] How about this - we divide them into six groups of forty, and the remaining ten can be read by whoever finishes their pile first.

Rachel

[raising her hand] I have another idea!

Monica

Sorry, idea time is over!

Phoebe

Are all of the tickets in the bowl?

Monica

Yeah.

Chandler

What about the ones on the nightstand?

Monica

There are no tickets on the nightstand!

Chandler

Yes there are, I saw them a few minutes ago!

Monica

[uncomfortably] No you didn't! You must be mistaken!

Chandler

There were twenty tickets on the nightstand!

Monica

Chandler, sense the tone!

Rachel

Well, well, well, look what Mommy found! [everyone gasps]

Monica

Fine! I bought twenty extra tickets for me and Chandler!

Phoebe

[gasps] The psychic also said that I would be betrayed!

Ross

I can't believe this! I thought we were all in this together!

Monica

You just got in five minutes ago!

Ross

Three! I don't know why that's important!

Joey

I was with you the whole time we were in Connecticut! When did you get those?

Monica

When you were reading the dirty magazines without taking off the plastic!

Joey

[sniggers and turns to Ross] I'll show you how!

Rachel

Suppose one of your special tickets wins? How are you going to feel when you win the lottery and lose all your friends?

Monica

If I win the lottery you guys are not going to leave me! Someone gave me a basket of mini muffins last week and I couldn't get rid of you for three days!

Rachel

Chandler, would you tell her that what she did was wrong?!

Chandler

[turns to Monica] She's right, you shouldn't have bought tickets just for us. [Monica gasps] Let me finish. [turns to Rachel] However, it doesn't look as though I'm going to get this job, so I can't afford to have principles. So screw you, the tickets are ours!! [snatches the tickets from an open-mouthed Rachel]

Monica

[jubilantly] There's the man I married! [high-fives Chandler]

Rachel

Believe me, if you win the lottery, it's the last you're going to hear from any of us!

Monica

Fine! Don't be my friends! I'll buy new friends! And then I'll pay for their plastic surgeries so they look just like you!

Rachel

That's it! I want my share of the tickets!

Joey

[snatches the bowl from Rachel] I want my tickets too! And I'm buying the Knicks! And Steffi Graf!

Ross

[snatches the bowl from Joey] I want mine too! And if I win I'm going to put it all into a very low-yield bond!

Phoebe

[tries to put all the tickets into the bowl] You guys! We've got to keep all the tickets together!

Monica

No! [snatches the bowl] We should divide them up, and I should get extra because we used my car to buy them!!

Joey

If anybody gets extra tickets it should be me; this whole thing was my idea!! [snatches the bowl]

Chandler

Oh yeah! Thanks for inventing the lottery!!

Monica

[about Emma] How do you know she's gonna start talking?

Rachel

Well, when I talk to her I almost feel like she understands what I'm saying.

Chandler

Kind of like Joey...

Monica

Why don't you take Ross?

Ross

Uh, don't you think that would be a little weird? I mean, two guys in a romantic inn...

Monica

No, not if their room has two beds!

Ross

[Browsing the brochure] I guess... It still seems a little... [Enthusiastically] moonlight boat ride!

Chandler

I got you something from Vermont! [Sits down at the table]

Monica

[Without looking up from what she's doing] Besides tampons and salt? [;;Then looks] Ooh! My...! Maple candy! That's so sweet of you. [Opens the box] That's weird... it's empty!

Ross

[Sounds excited] Hi you guys! what's going on, you... you guys wanna hang out... or... ? [Looks around the room nervously] do you... do you guys hear a buzzing?

Phoebe

Monica, look what I got to wear when I play at your restaurant! [Showcases a top hat and hand-held glasses] This might class up 'The Ballad of the Uncircumcised Man'!

Monica

Phoebe, maybe I wasn't clear before...I love listening to your music here, but my restaurant is an upscale place!

Phoebe

I'll ask the butler to fetch my diamonds out of the vault!

Monica

It's not what you wear, it's your songs! I don't think you should play at the restaurant anymore!

Phoebe

[disappointed] Oh...OK. I'll take the hat back. [puts the hat back in the bag and stamps on it]

Rachel

[After a pause] So...the funniest thing happened at work...

Phoebe

[Interrupting, to Monica] My songs aren't good enough for your restaurant?!

Rachel

We're still on that!

Monica

I didn't say that!

Phoebe

Then what's wrong with them? They don't go with your tiny portions of pretentious food?

Monica

Tiny portions?!

Phoebe

"Excuse me, I ordered the smoked salmon appetizer, but [Wears the glasses] I cahn't see it! I cahn't see it!"

Monica

It's not about quantity!

Phoebe

It's not about quality!

Monica

You want to talk quality? Ever heard of a key?! It's what some people sing in!!

Phoebe

At least my songs don't taste like garlic! [Monica opens her mouth] There are other ingredients!

Monica

So that's what we're doing?! When I'm in the coffee house bopping along to one of your songs, I'm wearing earplugs!

Phoebe

Earplugs, or cloves of garlic?

Monica

[Gets up abruptly] I take back what I said before! You keep playing, because with your music driving people inside, my bar sales have gone up like crazy!

Phoebe

What are they having? The GARLIC MARTINI?!

Monica

Rachel, things can get incredibly complicated.

Rachel

All right, all right! You're right, I won't do anything with Joey. I just thought it would be...

Rachel

Okay... so that would be two cups of tarragon, one pound of baking soda and one red onion?

Monica

What the hell are you cooking?