Father Dougal quotes from Father Ted

Father Ted

You're supposed to be taking Father Jack for his walk!

Father Dougal

Well, um, the cliffs were closed for the rest of the day.

Father Ted

How would cliffs be closed Dougal?

Father Dougal

Okay, no, it wasn't that. They were gone!

Father Ted

(disbelieving) The cliffs were gone? How can they just disappear?

Father Dougal

Erosion.

Father Dougal

Everyone else is here!

Father Ted

Dougal. You're a priest. You're supposed to show some decorum.

Father Dougal

(barely audible) I wish I wasn't a priest.

Father Ted

(shocked) What?

Father Dougal

I wish I wasn't a priest.

Father Ted

(motions towards father Jack in the wheelchair) Dougal! What if Jack heard you say that?

Father Dougal

He told me one time he doesn't even believe in God!

Father Ted

That would be quite common you know. The favourite son would become a doctor and then the idiot brother would be sent off to the priesthood.

Father Dougal

Your brother is a doctor isn't he?

Father Ted

Yes he is.

Father Dougal

(curious about their new guest) Who is it Ted?

Father Ted

Now Dougal... don't over-react.

Father Dougal

Fair enough.

Father Ted

Right. (long pause). It's Father Stone.

Father Ted

Dougal, get up.

Father Dougal

(gets up) Whoah Ted. No, not him!

Father Ted

It's him all right.

Father Dougal

God almighty!

Father Ted

I know!

Father Dougal

Why didn't you tell him not to come Ted? You said you would! You promised after the last time!

Father Ted

I tried but it's like trying to talk to a wall with a moustache!

Father Ted

Your Grace, what brings you to these parts? Thinking of sending us back to our parishes?

Bishop Brennan

Fat chance! You're here until I tell you otherwise! You think I'd let Jack back into a normal parish after the wedding he did in Athlone, huh?! [Jack grins lecherously and drools]

Father Ted

Yes, but surely I'm alright.

Bishop Brennan

No, no, no, you are here until all of that money is accounted for.

Father Ted

I don't know what happened to that money-!

Bishop Brennan

Enough! You went to Las Vegas, whilst that poor child was supposed to be in Lourdes! [he moves to Dougal] And as for this...cabbage! The mere idea of letting him back into the real world, after the Blackrock incident...

Father Ted

Yes, that was unfortunate!

Bishop Brennan

The amount of peoples' lives irreperably damaged!

Dougal

They were only nuns.

Bishop Brennan

Nuns are people too! My God, the strings I had to pull to stop the Vatican getting involved! I do not want to talk about it! I just want to get this film business over and done with!

Father Ted

Film? What film?

Bishop Brennan

This blasphemous film, "The Passion of St. Tibulus". Now, His Holiness has banned it, but because of some loophole, the bloody thing's being shown on this godforsaken dump!

Dougal'

Oh yes, that's right. Is it any good, do you know?

Bishop Brennan

I don't care if it's any good; all I know is we have to be seen to be taking a stand against it. I have been brought back from my holiday in California to sort it out! And that's where you and Larry and Moe come in.

Father Ted

What do you mean?

Bishop Brennan

Well, I know that normally you couldn't organise a nun shoot in a nunnery, but despite that, it's up to you to make the Church's position clear. Make some kind of a protest at the cinema; even you should be able to manage that!

Dougal

Oh, thanks very much.

Bishop Brennan

Listen, this is very serious. Don't make a balls of it, right? I'll be in touch.

Father Ted

Bishop, this isn't really my area.

Bishop Brennan

Nothing is your area, Crilly. You do not have an area. Unless it is some sort of play area, with sandcastles, and buckets, and spades! Now do what you're told, right?!?

Father Ted

Down with this sort of thing!

Dougal

Careful now!

Dougal

Do you remember that bit when St. Tibulus, he tried to take that banana off the other lad?

Father Ted

That wasn't a banana, Dougal.

Bishop Brennan

Well, I hope you're not doing too much damage here, huh? Jack, are you behaving yourself?

Father Jack

Feck off.

Bishop Brennan

What did you say?! [stands up]

Father Ted

Your Grace, what brings you to these parts? Thinking of sending us back to our parishes?

Bishop Brennan

Fat chance! You're here until I tell you otherwise! You think I'd let Jack back into a normal parish after the wedding he did in Athlone, huh?! [Jack grins lecherously and drools]

Father Ted

Yes, but surely I'm alright.

Bishop Brennan

No, no, no, you are here until all of that money is accounted for.

Father Ted

I didn't know what happened to that money-!

Bishop Brennan

Enough! You went to Las Vegas, whilst that poor child was supposed to be in Lourdes! [he moves to Dougal] And as for this...cabbage! The mere idea of letting him back into the real world, after the Blackrock incident...

Father Ted

Yes, that was unfortunate!

Bishop Brennan

The amount of peoples' lives irreparably damaged!

Father Dougal

They were only nuns.

Bishop Brennan

Nuns are people too! My God, the strings I had to pull to stop the Vatican getting involved! I do not want to talk about it! I just want to get this film business over and done with!

Father Ted

Film? What film?

Bishop Brennan

This blasphemous film, "The Passion of St. Tibulus". Now, His Holiness has banned it, but because of some loophole, the bloody thing is showing on this godforsaken dump!

Father Dougal

Oh yes, that's right. Eh, is it any good, do you know?

Bishop Brennan

I don't care if it's any good or not; all I know is that we have to be seen to be making a stand against it. I have been brought back from my holiday in California to sort it out! And that's where you and Larry and Moe come in.

Father Ted

What do you mean?

Bishop Brennan

Well, I know that normally you wouldn't be able to organise a nun shoot in a nunnery, but despite that, it's up to you to make the Church's position clear. Make some kind of a protest at the cinema; even you should be able to manage that!

Father Dougal

Oh, thanks very much.

Bishop Brennan

Listen, this is very serious. Don't make a balls of it, right? I'll be in touch.

Father Ted

Your Grace, this isn't really my area.

Bishop Brennan

Nothing is your area, Crilly. You do not have an area. Unless it is some kind of play area, with sandcastles, and buckets, and spades! Now do what you're told, right?!? [storms out]

Father Dougal

Bye, now.

Bishop Brennan

Right, now I think it would be best thing would be for ye three to continue your careers as priests-cum-film promoters outside of my jurisdiction! Huh?! Now Ted, I thought that you might like to go to America, hm? What part, do you think?

Father Ted

Well, um...Las Vegas?

Bishop Brennan

Oh, I'm sorry I’m sorry, did I meant South America. Oh look, see, there's a lovely little island, off the coast of Surinam and, [starts laughing hysterically] they have a couple of tribes there- you're going to love this!- and they have been knocking the shit out of each other since 1907! And we have never been able to find the right man to bring them together in the spirit of Christian harmony, but I think that you, are the man!

Father Ted

[discomforted] Well, thanks very much-!

Bishop Brennan

No need to thank me- by the way, do you know how to make arrows?

Father Ted

No.

Bishop Brennan

Well not to worry, not to worry. It'll come to you. (laughs softly before facing Dougal) Now, Dougal, over to you. Isn’t it funny, how, some of these places in the Philippines can keep on going without a proper sewerage system, hm?

Father Dougal

I’m right there, your Honour.

Henry Sellers

Oh what a shower of bastards!

Oh Lord Ted!, why did you give him a drink?

Father Ted

I didn't know this would happen!

That's why they sacked him from that programme, he's a terrible alcoholic and he's been on the wagon now for a year, Oh my god Ted!

Father Ted

How was I supposed to know?

Henry Sellers

Sack me!, Sack me! I made the BBC! (sobs) I made it!

Father Ted

Henry, maybe if you have a rest you'll feel better?

Henry Sellers

Get away from me, priest!

Father Ted

Perhaps it's time to go to bed!

Father Ted

(After Henry kicks television) Good man there's nothing on anyway!

Henry Sellers

Do you want a fight?!

Henry Sellers

Bloody priests, sanctimonious scumbags!

Father Ted

Absolutely!

Henry Sellers

Made my life a bloody misery!

Father Ted

Sorry about that are you sure you don't want to go to bed, we could stay up a bit longer perhaps!

Henry Sellers

Oh I'm fed up of you bastards! I'm getting outta here don't you try and stop me (smashes through window)

Father Dougal

It's true what they say isn't it you should never meet your heroes you'll only be disappointed!

Henry Sellers

Oh well, since I didn't humiliate myself too much last time, I might as well have a glass of champagne. Cheers!

Father Ted

Henry, no!

Henry Sellers

Mmm! Don't worry, Father. Sure, if I can't celebrate tonight, then when can I, the bastards! What the hell is going on here, how dare they do this to me?! How dare they sack me! I'm Henry Sellers! I'm Henry Sellers!

Father Ted

Well, there he goes again.

Father Dougal

You're right there, Ted.

Father Ted

Never mind, we can look for him in the morning.

(Dressed in blackface and drag as Diana Ross) Five pounds Ted. (hands Ted money)

Father Ted

(Smiles) Hard luck Dick.

(Dressed in blackface and drag as one of The Supremes) Did we not win Dick?

Father Ted

(Mocking) "No we didn't win Cyril!". This year the trophy goes to Craggy Island!

Father Ted

Never mind. I give you every chance of winning next year.

Do you really Ted?

Father Ted

NOOOOO!

Come on Cyril, let's go home.

(enters the room drunk and muttering) Where's the fecking whiskey?

Plenty of whiskey at home father!

Father Dougal

That Cyril McDuff's an awful eejit isn't he Ted?

Oh Holy Mother of God! He's dead!

Father Dougal

What's the problem there, sister?

When is the funeral again?

Father Dougal

Again? We haven't had the first one yet!

Father Ted

It's true what they say about these career women. They're very aggressive.

Father Dougal

Yeah, she was very aggressive, wasn't she, Ted?

Father Ted

Oh, and the language out of her. You wouldn't hear it from a docker! Fecking this, fecking that...

Father Dougal

Ah, you would. They use very bad language.

Father Ted

Effin' this and effin' that...

Father Dougal

Oh, it was much worse than that, Ted, she was saying fu...

Father Ted

Now, Dougal!