Father Ted, Bishop Brennan and others in “The Passion of St Tibulus”

Your Grace, what brings you to these parts? Thinking of sending us back to our parishes?

Fat chance! You're here until I tell you otherwise! You think I'd let Jack back into a normal parish after the wedding he did in Athlone, huh?! [Jack grins lecherously and drools]

Yes, but surely I'm alright.

No, no, no, you are here until all of that money is accounted for.

I don't know what happened to that money-!

Enough! You went to Las Vegas, whilst that poor child was supposed to be in Lourdes! [he moves to Dougal] And as for this...cabbage! The mere idea of letting him back into the real world, after the Blackrock incident...

Yes, that was unfortunate!

The amount of peoples' lives irreperably damaged!

They were only nuns.

Nuns are people too! My God, the strings I had to pull to stop the Vatican getting involved! I do not want to talk about it! I just want to get this film business over and done with!

Film? What film?

This blasphemous film, "The Passion of St. Tibulus". Now, His Holiness has banned it, but because of some loophole, the bloody thing's being shown on this godforsaken dump!

Oh yes, that's right. Is it any good, do you know?

I don't care if it's any good; all I know is we have to be seen to be taking a stand against it. I have been brought back from my holiday in California to sort it out! And that's where you and Larry and Moe come in.

What do you mean?

Well, I know that normally you couldn't organise a nun shoot in a nunnery, but despite that, it's up to you to make the Church's position clear. Make some kind of a protest at the cinema; even you should be able to manage that!

Oh, thanks very much.

Listen, this is very serious. Don't make a balls of it, right? I'll be in touch.

Bishop, this isn't really my area.

Nothing is your area, Crilly. You do not have an area. Unless it is some sort of play area, with sandcastles, and buckets, and spades! Now do what you're told, right?!?