Old women are closer to God than we'll ever be. They get to that age and they don't need the operator anymore. They've got the direct line.
“Entertaining Father Stone” · Season 1
In this episode: Father Ted (7), Father Dougal (2)
That would be quite common you know. The favourite son would become a doctor and then the idiot brother would be sent off to the priesthood.
Your brother is a doctor isn't he?
Yes he is.
DSDermot Stone
Terrible is the word, Father. I tell you Father terrible is too small a word, and you just look what you've done to your mother you lazy little bastard, you're useless! Now Father I'm sorry for him causing you all this trouble. God forgive me for saying this but wouldn't it have been better if he had been killed!
(Father Stone, Ted and Jack are in the living room. Nobody is talking)
Are you sure you won't have any tea Paul?
FSFather Stone
No, I'm fine.
(long pause)
Right. Would you like me to turn on the television?
FSFather Stone
No thanks. I'm fine.
Right
(another long pause)
Have you seen Father Shortall at all recently?
FSFather Stone
No.
I was thinking what would he be? Would he be eighty now?
FSFather Stone
I suppose so.
(curious about their new guest) Who is it Ted?
Now Dougal... don't over-react.
Fair enough.
(Ted takes a long drag on a cigarette to calm himself)
Right. (long pause). It's Father Stone.
(Dougal faints and falls to the floor)
Dougal, get up.
(gets up) Whoah Ted. No, not him!
It's him all right.
God almighty!
I know!
Why didn't you tell him not to come Ted? You said you would! You promised after the last time!
I tried but it's like trying to talk to a wall with a moustache!
It's like asking the Holy Mother to stop appearing to schoolgirls at Ballinspittle.
[As Jack is wheeled past on a gurney] There he is. What's today's emergency, Doctor?
DDoctor
We're not sure. I think it's a combination of Babycham and Harpic!
(Father Stone is still in hospital)
(praying at Father Stone's hospital bed) Please! I swear! I'll look after him for the rest of my days. Please, just do this one thing!
(looks over at Father Stone, who has not moved)
(prays again) Ah Come on! Please, please, I swear...
(Father Stone miraculously rises out of the bed)
Paul! You're back! Oh Lord it's a miracle!
(Ted turns and calls out)
Father Ted Doctor!
(Ted turns back to Father Stone)
Paul, can get I you anything at all?
FSFather Stone
(looks over at Ted) No. I'm fine.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Father Ted pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.