Father Ted quotes from Father Ted

Bishops love sci-fi!

Father Ted

[apoplectic] Dougal, we are not watching Aliens!!!

[The three bishops look at Ted, stunned. Ted regains his compsoure.]

Father Ted

Anyway, back to religion.

View quote →

Father Ted

Mrs Doyle, have you got your contacts in?

Mrs Doyle

No, a dog ran off with them.

View quote →

Father Ted

Dougal, do you know if we have any incense?

(after a wide-eyed long pause) There was a spider in the bath last night.

View quote →

(Ted receives bad news)

Father Ted

Bloody hell!

Good news Ted?

Father Ted (sitting down): No Dougal, very bad news. It's the Holy Stone of Clonrichert. The Vatican have decided to upgrade it to a Class II relic.

Great!

Father Ted

No it's not great! That means they'll be sending over some bishops to do a ceremony. And you know what that's like - we'll have to be on our best behaviour.

I thought there was something up with the Holy Stone. Wasn't someone cured there?

Father Ted

No, someone was lured there. It was Paddy Short, then those fellas started to beat him with the sticks.

View quote →

(Father Ted is standing in front of a sitting Father Jack, with a board between them)

Father Ted

Right, father, now we're going to have a little elocution lesson.

Drink! (throws can of beer)

Father Ted

Now, father, you can't be saying that all the time when the bishops come here.

Feck!

Father Ted

No, you can't say that either.

Girls!

Father Ted

Look father, just let's go back to "drink" for the moment.

Drink!

Father Ted

Right, now I want you to have a look at this.

(Ted turns a page on the board, with the words "That would be an ecumenical matter" and “Yes” written on it)

Father Ted

Have a go at the first one here... "That". (points to word)

(concentrating) Drink!

Father Ted

No, no, no, no. "That".

(trying hard) Drink!

Father Ted

Now come on, father, concentrate. "That".

Drink!

Father Ted

"That"

Drink!

Father Ted

"That"

Drink!

Father Ted

"That"

(this continues a few more times)

Father Ted

Now come on now father! I know you can do it! There'll be a little drink in it for you if you do it.

Drink?

Father Ted

Yes I promise. Now come on, try again. "That".

(trying very very hard). Th.. th... th... h.... Drink!

Father Ted

Come on now father you almost had it! "That".

Th.. th... th... h.... That!

Father Ted

Great!

That!

Father Ted

Brilliant, Father! Let's keep it going here, and the next one, "That would"

That... W.... W... W...

Father Ted

"Would!", "Would!"

W... W... Drink!

(Jack collapses back into chair in despair, while Ted smashes the board away in frustration)

View quote →

BFBishop Fachs

Do you think a close relationship with the lay community is desirable, or should a certain distance be maintained?

Father Ted

Yes...good question! I think we should...involve the lay community...but keep them at a distance.

BFBishop Fachs

How much of a distance?

Father Ted

A couple of miles?

View quote →

(Fathers Ted and Dougal are waiting outside for the bishops as they leave)

(Bishop O'Neill exits first. He is dressed in hippy clothes)

BOBishop O'Neill

Dougal.

(Bishop O'Neill shakes Dougal's hand)

Oh. You're welcome Bishop.

BOBishop O'Neill

(correcting him). No, no. "Eddie".

Father Ted

Are you sure you won't reconsider your decision?

BOBishop O'Neill (Eddie)

No. Anyway it's too late. I'm off to India for two months with a few friends. Ah, there they are. (gives peace sign to Ted and Dougal)

(Hippies in a VW Kombi drive up)

Father Ted

See you again then.

(Bishop O'Neill (Eddie), climbs into van with hippy friends, and is immediately given a marijuana joint, which he begins to smoke)

(Bishop Facks is the next to exit, walking very gingerly and accompanied by a paramedic)

Father Ted

Ah, your grace. (quietly) The Holy Stone... will it still be a class 2 when they, er... (motions head towards Facks's buttocks)

(Bishop Facks does not reply and walks off into a waiting ambulance)

(Bishop Jordan is the final one to exit, in a coffin carried by two men in suits)

Father Ted

God Bless. (Dougal gives a wave to the coffin as it passes by)

(Fathers Ted and Dougal walk inside into the living room)

Father Ted

That went pretty well I thought.

View quote →

[Ted is attempting to place some bottles of wine in a bag without waking Jack. The bottles clink together. Jack wakes up.]

Drink!

Father Ted

No Father, it's just fizzy water.

Jacob's Creek chardonnay 1991!

Father Ted

You can tell just by the sound?

View quote →

God Ted, I've heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's going to come back and judge us all.

Father Ted

No...no Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism you're talking about there.

Whole of this Catholic thing is a bit of a puzzler, isn't it Ted?

View quote →

(A resident of Craggy Island speaks to Father Ted about the front page news of the stolen whistle)

EElderly Lady

Hello Father, did you hear about the whistle being stolen?

Father Ted

Yes, I was--

EElderly Lady

I never thought that I'd see the like. What next? Somebody will be murdered, and then where are we? Drive by shootings in the night, it'll be like Boyz in the Hood. And then they'll have whores selling their wares in the middle of the street and the pimps will be using crack cocaine to keep the whores under control--' [Gun shot fires in background] '--I'm going home now, Father, to lock meself in the basement til they catch that fella. Good-bye to ye father.

Father Ted

...Good-bye.

View quote →

(Ted and Dougal are asleep in bed. Dougal is talking in his sleep... dreaming that he is a contestant on Countdown)

Consonant please Carol.... Vowel... another consonant.

(Ted is awake)

Vowel. Consonant.

(Ted turns the light on and gets up)

Richard. Where you going?

Father Ted

Dougal, I am not Richard Whiteley. Go back to sleep. You're dreaming.

(Ted leaves the room and turns the light off)

Consonant. Put your clothes back on, Carol, I can't concentrate.

View quote →

(Ted and Dougal are sitting down at breakfast. Ted had discovered the stolen whistle the night before in Dougal's jacket)

Father Ted

Dougal, is there anything on your mind?

(Dougal looks around, a dumb expression on his face)

Father Ted

Let me re-phrase that. Is there anything you want to tell me about? Something bothering you in some way?

Like what Ted?

Father Ted

Have you done anything you might be embarrassed about? Have you done anything bad recently? Anything wrong?

Wrong?

Father Ted

Yes Dougal. "Wrong". You remember right and wrong? The difference between the two? Page one of "How to be a Catholic".

(Dougal looks clueless and confused)

Father Ted

Honestly Dougal, this is very basic stuff.

(Dougal continues to look confused)

Father Ted

What is "wrong"? Give me an example of something that's "wrong".

(trying very hard to rise to this intellectual challenge) Just give me a second Ted. (stands up)

Father Ted

Arson. There's one. (pause) Murder. (pause) Swearing.

Swearing. Yeah.

Father Ted

Anything else?

(Dougal is racking his brains)

Err... Emm... Err... L.. Lying?

Father Ted

(animated) Well done Dougal! Yes!

Thanks Ted.

(Dougal begins to collapse. The strain of thinking was too much)

Father Ted

Dougal are you all right?

I'm fine Ted I just need to sit down.

(Dougal sits back down)

Father Ted

Sorry about that Dougal. I probably pushed you a bit hard there.

No worries Ted.

(Dougal places his head on the table in exhaustion)

Father Ted

Dougal, something else that's wrong is... stealing.

(Dougal looks up at Ted. He's beginning to recover)

Father Ted

What I'm trying to say is that it's wrong to steal. Stealing is just something you don't do.

Right. Except you.

Father Ted

(shocked) What?

Well you're allowed to steal.

Father Ted

(indignant) What are you talking about?

The money. From that Lourdes thing.

(Ted is lost for words and is very uncomfortable and beginning to get angry)

Father Ted

(defensively) Different thing altogether Dougal. First of all, that money was just resting in my account before I moved it on!

It was resting for a long time Ted.

Father Ted

Yes, but...

A good long rest.

Father Ted

(frustrated) Look Dougal, we're not talking about me! We're talking about YOU!

Is there anything you want to tell me about?

(Ted reaches into his top pocket and produces the stolen whistle)

Father Ted

This, for example?

View quote →

You know the way he's got big floppy ears flopping all over the place?

Father Ted

Yes?

Why don't we call him Father Jack Hackett?

What?

Father Ted

Oh, nothing, Father. Dougal's decided to name his new pet rabbit after you.

What?

Father Ted

Dougal this is far too confusing! Can you not come up with a better name?

Ah Ted I've got used to calling him Father Jack now! Can we not call Jack something else?

Father Ted

[exasperated] Flipper! Flipper the Priest!

Yes!

I think Father Jack wants a drink.

Yes!

Father Ted

Right, get him some water.

Water? Feck!

S2 The Plague

View quote →

Crilly, it's me, Bishop Brennan.

Father Ted

Oh feck! [realises his mistake]

WHAT!?

Father Ted

[putting on a bad French accent] 'Oo is dis? Zere is no Crilly 'ere! [hangs up]

S2 The Plague

View quote →

Alright Crilly, I'll make this short. What would the following suggest to you: "Jack", "sleep-walking", and "bollock-naked"?

Father Ted

Oh no!

Now this is the third time in the last six months! You may have heard of Brian Noonan, a very important Junior Minister- and a personal friend of mine- and I can tell you now the last thing he and his family needs to see is the vision of an elderly priest wearing only a hat and a pair of socks! Now I'll be around on Thursday to inspect security arrangements, and Crilly...

Father Ted

Yes, your Grace?