Father Ted quotes from Father Ted

Father Dougal

I wouldn't know Ted, you big bollocks!

Father Ted

[astounded] I'm sorry!?

Father Dougal

I said I wouldn't know Ted, you big bollocks!

Father Ted

Have you been reading those Roddy Doyle books again, Dougal!?

Father Dougal

I have, yeah Ted, you big gobshite!

Father Dougal

Will I put on the kettle?

Father Ted

Go on then.

Father Dougal

...must be one of those ones that clicks off automatically.

Father Ted

Mmm...bit of steam there. Incidentally, did you bring any teabags?

Father Dougal

...no.

Father Dougal

Kettle's boiled there Ted.

Father Ted

Mmm.

Father Dougal

Will I put more water in and turn it on again?

Father Ted

No... I liked it best the first time.

Father Dougal

Do you want to walk over to that fence?

Father Ted

Oh no, best not; I don't want to blow up with excitement

Father Dougal

Will I put on the kettle?

Father Ted

Go on then.

Father Dougal

...must be one of those ones that clicks off automatically.

Father Ted

Mmm...bit of steam there. Incidentally, did you bring any teabags?

Father Dougal

...no.

Father Dougal

Kettle's boiled there Ted.

Father Ted

Mmm.

Father Dougal

Will I put more water in and turn it on again?

Father Ted

No... I liked it best the first time.

Father Dougal

Maybe we could turn it on with no water at all, see what happens.

Father Ted

I don't think you should do that. It would just blow up. You'd be picking lumps of metal out of your face for a year. You'd have puffy fish lips bigger than your face.

Father Dougal

Like Father Bigley.

Father Ted

Exactly like Father Bigley.

Father Dougal

Maybe that's what happened to him!

Father Ted

God Almighty, that's going to cost a fortune to fix. Where are we going to get the money? Think, Dougal, how can we raise some money?

Father Dougal

Hmmm....

Ted

Yes, I know. Aha! (give knowing glance)

Dougal

Aha!

Ted

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Dougal

I think so, Ted. But now wait, I'm not sure....

Ted

What?

Dougal

I mean, it is a big step, and err, where are we going to get the guns?

Ted

(mystified) What are you talking about?

Dougal

Oh, wait a minute now - actually I might have been thinking about something different...

Ted

You thought we were going to rob a bank, didn't you?

Dougal

I did, yeah!

Ted

Well, Dougal, this isn't a Bruce Willis film. I was thinking more along the lines of a raffle.

Father Ted

(Using a long stick with Dougal's help to wake Jack up from distance) Father, father, wake up! It's just us.

Jack

(Waking up) Get to feck! (Throws down stick) Drrrriiink!(Reaches for his glass and begins to drink)

Father Ted

(Panicked) No Father don't drink that it's...

Father Jack

FECKIN' WATER!

Father Ted

Bingo!

Father Dougal

No luck then, Ted?

We run the gas off the electricity and the electricity off the gas and we save two hundred pounds a year, but then a few weeks later ah god, I'll never forget it now, we got a new boiler..."

Father Ted

Are you alright there Fathers?

Father Jack

HELP ME!!!

Ah hello Ted, I was just telling Father Jack about the thing there last year, how did you fare with yours?

Father Ted

Er I don't know what you're....

Because you know they have no morals and no respect for human life. But what they do have and no-one can deny this now, they have the finest collection of boilers in the world! And I include Canada in that!

Father Ted

(to Father Purcell) Actually I'd just like to borrow Father Jack for a moment...

Father Jack

Thank CHRIST!

Ah God, I remember the first time I saw that boiler now, beautiful!

Father Ted

Father Jack, where did you get the air freshener?

Father Jack

CAR!

Father Ted

Oh, god...

Father Jack

Drived the car!

Father Ted

Not the new car! Tell me the truth, Father, have you been drinking?

Father Jack

(looks at the half-empty bottle of whisky he's holding and thinks for a moment) YES!

Father Ted

Tell me from the beginning. Where did you drive?

Father Jack

Shops! Drink! Corner! Shops! Got out! TRUCK!

Father Ted

A truck?!

Father Jack

(smashing two empty cans of lager together) TWO trucks!!!

Father Ted

Let's take a look. See if there's anything we can salvage.

Father Ted

Dougal, Purcell's the most boring priest in the world. He was working in Nigeria a few years ago, and he woke up one morning to find everyone in the village had had enough of him and gone off in a big boat. It sank after about a mile and they were eaten by crocodiles. [cut to Father Jack trapped in a store cupboard with Father Purcell, becoming more frantic and irate]

We run the gas off the electricity and the electricity off the gas and we save two hundred pounds a year, but then a few weeks later ah god, I'll never forget it now, we got a new boiler ... [Ted opens the door]

Father Ted

Are you alright there, Fathers?

Father Jack

HELP ME!!!

Ah hello Ted, I was just telling Father Jack about the thing there last year, how did you fare with yours?

Father Ted

Er I don't know what you're....

Because you know they have no morals and no respect for human life. But what they do have and no-one can deny this now, they have the finest collection of boilers in the world! And I include Canada in that! [Ted has to prevent Jack punching an oblivious Purcell]

Father Ted

[to Father Purcell] Actually I'd just like to borrow Father Jack for a moment...

Father Jack

Thank CHRIST! [Jack quickly leaves and locks Ted in his place]

Ah God, I remember the first time I saw that boiler now, beautiful!

Father Ted

Would you like a ticket, Father?

Did you get those specially? You can buy them down the shop. Any number you like - ah, one, seven, 20, 112.

Father Ted

112?

All the way up to 409, I think it is. If you want more, they send off for them. They come back in an envelope. Normal kind of thing. Rectangular, four corners, you know. That's the way I like them anyway, the old envelopes. No round envelopes for me! No way, Jose.

Father Ted

Bloody hell!

Father Dougal

Good news Ted?

Father Dougal

(on the Holy Stone of Clonrichert) I thought there was someone cured there?

Father Ted

No, someone was lured there. It was Paddy Short, then those fellas started to beat him with the sticks.

Father Dougal

But who cares anyway? They come in, they strip down the wallpaper, they fumigate the place and then they're gone!

Father Ted

Dougal! They're bishops!

Father Dougal

(looking out of the window with binoculars) No sign of them yet Ted...

Father Ted

(points to bishops on sofa) Ahem, Dougal, eh they're here.