Wassup?! [The Cleveland Show theme music plays as Cleveland approaches the guys]
[normally] Oh, hey, Cleveland!
QuagmireWait, don't you have a show to do...[chuckles] Oh wait, that's right!
Alright, I knew this was comin'! Everybody, gimme your best shot!
Quagmire
Oh, my G - where do I even begin? You know, it's not a good sign that this is the first time a lot of people are realizing you had a show!
Your logo was stupid. Looked like a big purple penis and your ratings blew.
We did about the same as Bob's Burgers.
Quagmire
That's your bar?! Oh, shame on you!
This is good. This is constructive.
Quagmire
The talking bear was so bad, Seth MacFarlene quit voicing him after Season 2.
It's hard to make a talkin' bear funny.
Quagmire
[laughs] It worked out okay in movie form!
What was supposed to be the show's audience? Who did you make it for? Like, some black guy who never met another black guy?
Yeah, here's four seasons' worth of DVDs of what we've been up to. You know, just so you're back up to speed. And I'll warn ya ahead of time - these have jokes in 'em.
I...I don't have a DVD player.
Quagmire
You are such a scumbag. You know, when you were poor, you were always a douche, but at least you came by it honestly. But now? Screwin' over the people who helped you?! I don't know how you sleep at night.
[sighs] My God. You're right! I'm a jerk. I'm a selfish and pretentious jerk, and you're the only guy in town who's ever called me out on my crap. You know, I used to hate you for it, but now I think you're the only person who is trying to be my friend.
Quagmire
No, I think you're misunderstanding me.
No, I'm serious. Even though I know you never liked me, you still helped me when I needed it. That says a lot about your character. I'm ashamed of myself because I am none of the things you are. You're honest and direct and compassionate and... [his phone chimes] that is 72 hours! Enjoy your craphole, dumbass!
Quagmire
[enraged] YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! [Furiously picks up a lamp and bashes Brian with it, breaking all his teeth and knocking him to the ground]
JJudge
I have no choice but to sentence you to 20 years in prison!
[Judge bangs his gavel, everyone gasps]
FVFemale Voice
Oh no you don't!
[everyone looks to the courtroom to discover an elderly woman at the door]
Quagmire
Mom?
AMAll the men in the courtroom, except for the main characters
Crystal?
Hah! She's enjoyed many men.
CCounselor
Peter, when is Lois' birthday?
Uh, let's see. When is Hitler's birthday?
CCounselor
Joe, what is Bonnie's favorite food?
Well, she must like ground glass because I keep finding it in my food.
CCounselor
Quagmire, what color are Kimi's eyes?
Quagmire
Shaved. S-sorry, what is it? What was the question?
[Quagmire is arguing with the other guys about the name of a song]
Guys, calm down. There's one way to solve this. I'll just use my phone.
[Cleveland samples the song]
It says "Around the World", by Daft Punk."
Quagmire
Thank you! God, you idiots are exhausting.
Hey, Cleveland, how'd you do that with your phone?
I used Shazam. It recognizes songs and tells you their names.
Yeah? Hey, what if I farted into it?
I don't know. Be my guest.
[Peter farts into it]
[Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland and Joe are locked in the attic for hours]
Peter, I'm going crazy up here.
We all are. You gotta talk to Lois.
Damn it, you're right. [yells through hatch] Lois, let us out of here!
No way! You like it so much?! Then you can rot up there with your buddies!
Lois, so help me God, if you don't let us out right this second, I'm gonna take a dump on your wedding dress!
Don't test me. I'll do it! We'll all do it! Quagmire, pull down your pants!
Quagmire
What I'm not doing with that?!
You leave my dress alone, Peter!
If we'll don't get us out of here, I'll make a doodie on it.
Quagmire
What are you nuts?!
I've been crowning for 6 hours!
Cleveland's pants are off, Lois! Here come mine! This is happening!
Quagmire
Lois, they're not bluffing! Open the door!
Damn it, Peter, you hold that in! I know you can you did it on the ferry to Block Island!
Quagmire
Oh my God, I'm gonna puke!
That's good! Puke on the dress! Puke on the dress!
[angry sighs] Dammit! [she goes into the bathroom ablnd grabs a towel holder off, while Meg sits on the toilet]
MMan (over headphones)
Not all snake bites are lethal.
[Lois pries the attic door open, dumping Peter, Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire onto the floor]
You were too late. We pooed on the gown.
Ripped a big hole in your ceiling, too.
Quagmire
I barfed on Peter's ass. I-I don't know if it got on the dress or not, Lois, but I-I am...I am so sorry.
Yeah, this was all a huge disaster.
[inhales] Let's just agree that we both went a bit too far, hmm?
Quagmire
I might need 2 weeks off from this friendship...
[Chris and Quagmire sit on a couch in Quagmire's house]
Quagmire
Okay, Chris, I think you'll be a great assistant. Your paperwork appears to be in order, but before we get started, do you own a pair of rubber boots that you'd have to wear if you worked on a fishing boat?
Uh, no, I don't think so.
Quagmire
Alright, I guess it'll be a light day today, but tomorrow, you should come wearing those.
Quagmire
Now, the first thing I need you to do is punch me in the stomach because I'm bad. [he stands up]
Quagmire
It's the furthest thing from a trick, go ahead. And it should be pretty hard, I'm a worse person than you think.
[Chris punches him in the stomach extremely hard. Quagmire hunches over and grunts in pain]
Quagmire
[strained] Okay, that's really good. Now I need you to call Time Warner about my cable bill.
I've been crashing office Christmas parties for the free booze and the drunk women, who don't want to spend the holiday alone.
Oh, so you're a Christmas party creep, just like the fat man is a pool party creep.
[cutaway to Peter and Chris at a pool party]
Now Chris, you're getting older, so it's time for you to learn the classic pool party game, Talk to someone's wife in a bikini until they cover up uncomfortably. [to Bonnie] So, Bonnie. How are things going?
Oh, things are fine. Been kind of busy lately, [Peter stares at her breasts] what with Susie starting to... [covers up]
Okay, bye. [Peter leaves] Man, that was like two seconds.
[Quagmire comes up to him]
Quagmire
Hey, Peter. Hey, what have you been watching on TV lately?
Oh, you know, this and that. There's this show [Quagmire stares at his breasts] called "Shipping Wars" and it's kind of...
[covers up]
Quagmire
Okay, bye.
Sorry I'm late. The pantry down at the station needed new shelf paper.
Quagmire
That's what they got you doing down there?
Well, that, and I'm also in charge of the office gerbil. And let me tell you, Lieutenant Nibbles is quite a handful. He'll only eat real cheese. Not processed.
You buy special cheese for a gerbil?
Yeah, I have to. He outranks me.
Look, this-- this right here-- is exactly why I've been avoiding you. I knew you'd embarrass me in front of Stryker.
Quagmire
Who cares? He's just some dude.
He's not just some dude. He happens to be the cool friend I've ever had!
Quagmire
What are you talking about? We're cool.
Oh, yeah? Well, then why did those teenagers on the way in say, "Cool wheelchair, dick"?
Quagmire
Hey, look, Peter if you're so embarrassed by us and you think we're losers, well, then we don't want to hang out with you, either!
Good! Who needs you bums? I got Stryker!
Quagmire
Oh, yeah? Well, I hope you two are happy together, you jerk!
[Brian tries to apologize for his extremely racist tweet to an offended angry mob]
Hello. As you all know, I'm Brian Griffin.
Quagmire
[offscreen] Boo. Boo, Brian Griffin. Boo.
I want to read a few words.
Quagmire
Boo. Liar. Boo, Brian Griffin. Boo.
Quagmire
[still cuts off Brian] Boo. Apologize somewhere else. Boo. Boo, Brian, boo.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm here to apologize...
OMOffended Man
Why did you say "ladies" first? That's sexist!
It's just... It's just a standard greeting. Let... Let me start over. Gentlemen and ladies...
OWOffended Woman
Ooh, says the man!
Okay, sorry, I... I, um. Humans in the audience...
OBOffended Basketball
I identify as a basketball!
Humans and basketballs...
OPOffended Parrot
I'm a parrot who mimics, but doesn't comprehend them!
Humans, basketballs, talking parrots, and-and whatever else is out there...
OWOffended Woman
"Whatever"? It's whoever.
OOOther Offended Woman
Actually, it's whomever.
Offended Woman No one likes you, Mary!
[Everyone continues clamoring]
All right, all right, just-just calm down, okay?
[Everyone stops clamoring]
OWOffended Woman
Now you're tone policing us!
OMOffended Man
That makes me uncomfortable! Anything that makes me uncomfortable in 2017 should be illegal!
[when no one lets him apologize] You know what? [crumples up and throws his apology away] Fuck you! [everyone gasps in horror] I'm not a racist, all right? I just told a bad joke. There's a huge difference. But nobody on the internet ever takes the time to ask themselves "Is this worth freaking out over?", or "Are there bigger problems in this world than this tweet?" Well, I assure you there are! And just for the record, I love black people! I've watched tons of black porn! So what do you all want from me? Huh?! Do you wanna ruin my life?! Then congratulations, you did it! Everybody hates me! I can't leave the house without getting harassed, no one will hire me...
[from inside the house; offscreen] That was a problem before.
I can't turn on my phone without strangers telling me to kill myself, or that they're gonna kill my family! LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M THE SELF-RIGHTEOUS LIBERAL DOUCHEBAG, NOT YOU! I'VE KISSED A TRANSSEXUAL BEFORE! HOW MANY OF YOU CAN SAY THAT?! WHERE'S MY FUCKING MEDAL?! I AM SO FAR LEFT, I'M SPINNING IN CIRCLES, YOU SHITHEADS! INSTEAD OF KILLING MYSELF, I SHOULD KILL ALL OF YOU!
MMMob Man
I'd like to see you try.
[In slow-motion, the man approaches Brian, and punches him in the nose]
Ow! Geez... [he returns to the house, with all the people clamoring and throwing stuff] Well, we started the dialogue.
You screamed: "black porn" at the top of your lungs in front of women and children.
Nobody yet helped me become a better kid. In fact, today, I’m gonna ask for—nay, OUCH—a raise.
"Nay"? Wow! *becomes super intense* This new you is a bigger surprise than when they're making fun of a celebrity on The Reading Rainbow, and the real life celebrity walks in behind them!!!
[cutaway to Peter and Lois watching TV in the living room]
Oh-ho-ho, boy, they're really socking it to the celebrity. LEVAR!!!!
[laughing] Yeah, can you imagine how mad the celebrity would be? I mean, wherever they are at this particular moment, if they're watching, they must be…
[Peter and Lois gasp in shock]
[laughing excitedly] That's the actual celebrity walking up right behind them!
He… he's catching 'em right in the act! The… the SNL actor doesn’t know! Oh, he's gonna get in trouble! Look how mad the actual celebrity is! He's folding his arms and frowning!
[pats Peter's shoulder] He tapped the SNL actor on the shoulder!! [grabs Peter and shakes him] Look how surprised the SNL actor is!!
[shakes his legs excitedly] “AAAHHH, HE'S COMPLETELY BUSTED!!!”
[cackles maniacally] HA HA HA AH!
[Peter smashes his beer on the floor, then he and Lois proceed to throw and smash the living room declarations while hollering and hooting before Meg comes downstairs with a flamethrower]
Meg I WAS WATCHING UPSTAIRS ON HULU!!! [sets fire to the couch and throws it over]
[Brian crashes his Prius through the window, which sends him through the car's windshield onto its hood]
[holds up his phone] I SAW IT ON MY PHONE!!!
[Quagmire crashes his plane through the ceiling]
Quagmire
MY PLANE HAS WI-FI!!!
Family Guy · 775 quotes
