[On a cellphone] Hi, uh, this is Stewie Griffin. Uh, who am I talking to? Hi, Matthew. I think you're the salesman who helped me pick out a Thom Browne sweater two weeks ago. Yes, I was going to see The Bounty Hunter that night. Well, I enjoyed it very much. Thank you. Good memory, my word. Anyway, it doesn't fit properly and...
BBrian
Give me the damn phone!
Hey! Stop it. Um, and I don't think I'm gonna make it to the store before closing time today. Is it possible to get an extension on that refund? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No exceptions, I see. So you're telling me if I was James Franco calling, I would still not be able to get an extension for one day? Yes, Matthew, I will hold for your manager. [whispered] I'm gonna wrap this up so quickly. [Brian snatches a cellphone] Hey!
BBrian
Sorry, he's gonna have to call you back...It's dead. You wasted the one phone call we had to return a sweater?!
A $3,000 sweater, which I am now stuck with. Oh, this day. [Brian angrily slaps him on a face] Ow.
BBrian
You stink! And now I'm trapped in here with you and your stink because you were too stupid to call somebody who could help us!
[begins tearing] That really hurt.
BBrian
Go away! I can't even look at you!
BBrian
You've had energy bars this whole time? You idiot!
Not energy bars. Jenny Craig Anytime Bars. And you bitched yourself out a bite.
BBrian
All right, I'm sorry, all right? Can I have one, please?
BBrian
Can you give me a caramel one?
No. You can have, um, um, you can have, um - You can have strawberry yogurt.
BBrian
I don't like strawberry yogurt.
Picky for someone who eats the same food out of a bowl on the floor every night.
A bowl that starts in the kitchen and ends up in the living room.
Forgets four seconds later that he ate it.
Ooh, harsh tone. You just got bumped down to coconut mint.
[after Brian realizes that the woman he had sex with was Quagmire's father, he regurgitates for a long time, then screams]
What? What the hell? What's wrong with you?
BBrian
I HAD SEX WITH HER!
BBrian
I HAD SEX WITH HER AT THE MARRIOTT!
BBrian
I DIDN'T KNOW! I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS HER!
[both scream]
BBrian
HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?! WHEN THEY MOVE TO A NEW PLACE, THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO NOTIFY THE NEIGHBORHOOD! THAT'S HOW IT WORKS!
He didn't actually move! He's just visiting!
Look, Brian, all I'm saying is it's not normal for people to change their political views so radically overnight.
BBrian
Lois, no offense, but you don't exactly know what you're talking about. I mean, you...you're not exactly a fountain of political knowledge yourself.
You want to know what I think is happening here?
BBrian
Oh, this should be rich and overtaxed.
I think you just got to be in the "out" group. Whoever's on top, whoever's in power, whoever's successful, you gotta be on the other side or you don't feel like the smartest guy in the room. All you are, my dear, is a contrarian.
BBrian
Oh, please, you could not be more off base.
Oh, yeah? Let me ask, what did you think of the movie Titanic?
BBrian
Horrible. One of the worst movies ever made.
Mm-hm, what about Slumdog Millionaire?
BBrian
Overrated. Just a terrible movie.
BBrian
Actually, not a bad film. You know, as classically structured cinema, Cocktail was one of the best films of its era.
[Rush has persuaded Brian to go back to the Griffins]
BBrian
Does this mean I'll never see you again?
RRush
Oh, I'll be around. Wherever there's a rich white guy in need of another tax break, I'll be there. Wherever there's a brain-dead woman in need of expensive life support her husband doesn't want, I'll be there. Wherever there's a country that needs to be invaded for reasons that don't exactly pan out, I'll be there, too. Oh, yes, I will be around.
HHuffington
I think that this is simple exploitation of the American people who would be using the money that they spend to buy this book to actually buy something useful like legitimate health care that they actually need.
[applause]
BBrian
You know, what the hell's your problem, Zsa Zsa?
[laughter]
HHuffington
What is your problem, Snoopy?
[laughter]
[Stewie and Brian run into Quagmire and his niece Abby in line to see the mall's Santa]
BBrian
Glenn? Glenn Quagmire? Wow! What are you doin' here?
[not surprised] Oh, hi, Brian. Just waitin' for Santa, like everyone else.
BBrian
Cool, cool. We'll just hang with you guys. [approaches Quagmire's niece] Hey, who's this little guy? Is this your nephew? Hey, buddy! Are you excited to see Santa? Hope you've been a good boy this year.
[her eyes fill with tears]
That "little guy" is my niece Abby, you douche. Her hair's short because of the chemotherapy.
Do you know how much talking it took to get her outta the house because of her no-hair?
BBrian
Gosh, I didn't know. I'm so sorry.
Oh, you're sorry? For what? That waiting in line is such a catastrophe for you'd rather destroy the confidence of a 5-year-old cancer patient?
BBrian
Aw, c'mon. I didn't know she was dying.
Who said anything about dying?
AAbby
Uncle Glenn, am I dying?
[holds her close] No, sweetheart, you're not dying, 'cause we're gonna see Santa, and he's gonna give you a new brain. [turns to Brian, angrily grinding his teeth] Get outta here, Brian. Just get out of here.
[Brian and Stewie do so]
Should've gone into politics, Bri.
BBrian
Don't worry, Santa. We'll make sure there's a Christmas this year.
SSanta
Thank you, Brian. That brings me peace in this hour. I'll be with Allah soon.
EElf
Uh, ye... He doesn't know what he's saying, he's delirious. Look, you'd better get moving.
BBrian
All right, Stewie, let's go get the sleigh ready.
Is anyone else a little freaked out by that Allah thing?
Hey, who the hell are you?
What are you doing in my house?
Yeah, you're Santa Claus, that's why you broke in through the window, I'm calling the cops!
BBrian
No, no no no, I-I can explain. We came down the chimney, but we forgot the presents. It's actually-, it's kind of a funny story. [Stewie beats Dan with a baseball bat knocking him unconscious] What the hell did you do?!
He was gonna call the cops, man. You can't call the cops on Santa.
BBrian
Ah, good. It's starting.
Yeah, that's what YOU say. I can never figure out when the hell the studio logos end and the actual movie begins. [20th Century Fox logo plays] Alright. Let's see what you got, Fox. [map pops out from under the water on the screen] Oh, I bet that's a sea monster. [revealed to be logo for Underwater Map Productions] Oh, that's not the movie. That's... yeah, I think I've heard of them. [Once Upon a Time... shows up on screen] Here we go. Movie! ["STUDIOS" shows up from under the caption] Well, now that seems intentionally misleading. [airplane comes up on screen] Alright, someone's coming to town! [revealed to be logo for Arriving Flight Productions] Oh, for crying out loud! [image of India shown with the caption "India, 1853"] Alright, a period movie. [zooms out to show that it's the logo for Country-and-Date Productions] Oh, not a period movie. [guy on screen runs into a house in a thunderstorm] Oh, this guy's in trouble. Can't wait to hear his story. [flashes and tints into black and white on-screen to show that it's the logo for Panting Man's Wounded Shoulder Films] OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!
[after the fight and breakup]
Yup. Just waiting for my car.
[Brian climbs up onto the bench next to him and stares out a few moments before speaking]
BBrian
Look, I'm sorry I did what I did. Cheryl's great and I hope someday you get the chance to be with her.
No. I'm never gonna get that chance again. I blew it for good, Brian, and you know what? I deserve to be lonely. I'm no saint, I dated Jillian just to hurt you.
BBrian
It's okay. It probably wouldn't have worked out like everything else. Hey, you know, maybe it took us stealing each other's girls to finally become friends.
[admittedly] Yeah, maybe.
BBrian
Boy, Carol's lucky to have a sister like Lois.
You're tellin' me. I always wanted a brother or sister, but instead, I got a broster.
[flashback to a young Peter playing until his "broster" comes in his room]
BBroster
Hey, Peter, you wanna see my vegenis?
Uh... Uh-- I-- Uh, I-I don't know.
[After Peter finishes the story, the power comes back on]
The end. And that's the final chapter in the Star Wars saga.
I think The Cleveland Show is gonna do those.
Uh, Dad, one question: What do you got against Seth Green?
I j… I just think he's a douche. You got a problem with that?
Well, we're all entitled to our own opinion. For example, me? I think Seth MacFarlane's a douche.
Yeah, I don't like him either.
Well, wait a second, I hear he's a pretty nice guy.
BBrian
Yeah, good looking guy. Talented, young…
Talented?! He ripped off The Simpsons!
Yeah, he watched TV in the '80s. We get it!
And he only puts out like ten new episodes a year.
And then he splits those up into five DVD sets.
He doesn't make those decisions, Chris. Those decisions are made at the corporate level.
But he still takes the money every week, how noble.
And doesn't he have a whole staff that writes those episodes anyway?
Well, I wouldn’t know about that, but I… I think, and I hope, Chris, that ultimately, people will just remember the laughter.
[The Griffins stay silent for a moment before the credits roll]
[Brian is questioning Stewie about the damaged car]
BBrian
Look at this! Do you know anything about this?!
A- about what? About what a beautiful day - Oh my God, that is surprising! Oh, I had to stop that last sentence in the middle because I was so surprised. What happened?
BBrian
Gee, I don't know! Do YOU know what happened?
[chuckles] I'm sorry, what- what was that? I was laughing at that funny thing you said at dinner the other night.
Umm, you remember what you said about Lois', um, potatoes "au rotten"?
BBrian
Huh. Didn't think anybody heard that. Wish you'd laughed at the time, but... WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY CAR?!
Family Guy · 775 quotes
