Scenes with Brian 170
[to Brian] What did I tell you about altering the past? Wait, when did you even do that?
BBrian
Well, remember when I said I was gonna take a leak?
Brian, you shouldn't have done that. Who knows what unforseen consequences are awaiting us? Saddam Hussein could be president. Mexico could be the world's dominant super power. Cookie Monster could have invented Facebook!
[cut to an office with the Cookie Man and a man behind a desk]
[After the Griffin family car broke down]
BBrian
Looks like it's the radiator.
Wow, Brian identifies another problem without a solution. Let's see if l can walk home before he shuts up!
BBrian
Geez, Chris, what's your problem?
[Lois, Donna and Bonnie lie on the couch, intoxicated.]
[drunk] He-he-ey-hey! I got an idea for something that's gonna be so fuckin' funny! [whispers to Bonnie and Donna] Okay, Bonnie, go get it. It's in the closet. [Bonnie leaves] Brian! Brian, come out here! [Brian enters the living room, reading a book]
[giggles] What...what...whatta you reading?
BBrian
Well, I was just finishing Jonathan Franzen's book. Y'know, I'll admit, it has its moments, but it's completely overrated. I mean, I'm not saying I wrote something similar to it several years ago, but I am saying -
[The wives jump on top of a struggling Brian.]
BBrian
What? Hey-hey?! What are you doing?! Hey!
BBrian
Hey, hey, hey! What-?!
Push him down onto all fours!
BBrian
No! What are you do-?! I don't wanna do this!
If he really starts freaking out, put your pinkie in his butt!
[The wives release Brian; he is dressed as a bee and trying to get the costume off.]
DDonna
Calm down! Calm down!
[She whacks Brian on the head with the book. He runs into the stereo and the three women break down laughing hysterically.]
[walks in carrying a pistol] Alright, I guess this is the night bitches die.
So, where is the birthday girl?
Well, it's your 18th birthday, Meg. That's a very important milestone in a young girl's - I mean, a young woman's life. Hey, welcome to the adult club, huh? And you know what? You got another member right next door if you ever wanna talk and stuff. Happy birthday. [pats Meg's left leg. His little finger wiggles] Hey...hey, where's that pinkie goin', huh? Where's he goin'? What-what's he doin'? Get back here! There you go. [Meg smiles then looks at Quagmire]
Heh-heh! Look at Quagmire hitting on that skank. You know he's gonna close the deal.
BBrian
Peter, that skank is your daughter.
Y'know, Meg. I'd love to see you without your hat on. [lifts pink beanie. A green hand emerges from her scalp, pulls beanie down] Okay.
Don't worry, Dad. I'll take care of him! [punches Quagmire's legs] Stay away from my sis!
[Chris is dating a girl who looks just like Lois]
Are they not seein' this?
BBrian
I know, it's kinda creepy. It's almost like he's dating Lois.
Yeah – looks like somebody's getting a little Oedipussy.
[Peter replaces a family portrait with a portrait of Laser Tag Times newspaper article reading "Peter Griffin Eliminates Enemies. DESTROYS WORLD!"]
I put our family on the map tonight. No longer will we be just those faceless nobodys who brought the bird flu to Quahog.
You know, there's something seriously wrong with the man who always puts his friends over his family.
BBrian
Come on, Lois. I think you're over reacting. What's so wrong about a guy hanging out with his buddies?
Buddies? You're one of his buddies?
BBrian
Yeah, and you know why? 'Cause I don't try to tell him what he can and can't do.
Oh, please, Brian. You're just two people living in the same house. If you didn't, you'd never hang out with each other in a million years. He owns you. You're his property.
[Peter sits on the couch depressed when Brian walks in]
BBrian
Hey, what's wrong, Peter?
I miss my friend, Brian. I mean, I was having fun with those Nielsen boxes, but what's the point if I don't get Joe and Quagmire to enjoy it with me? I guess I shouldn't have messed with television.
BBrian
Well, it's not exactly your fault. The networks never should have listened to you in the first place. This is exactly what makes bad television: pandering to the lowest common denominator.
BBrian
Well, you still have these boxes. That means you still have the power to influence television. Maybe you can use that power to help restore television to the way it was.
You're right, Brian. Maybe if I watch smart, quality shows, that'll help get things back to the way they were. We can use these boxes for good and...
[Suddenly, three bullets destroy the Nielsen boxes]
[cut to Mayor West with a shotgun]
That's for adding another tree to One Tree Hill!
BBrian
Oh, my God! He destroyed every last box!
BBrian
We're sunk now, Peter. There goes your one chance to get television back to the way it was.
Wait a minute. Maybe not, Brian.
[A lightbulb appears over Peter's head]
I think I just got an idea.
[Peter gets up and breaks the lightbulb]
Aah! I got glass in my face! Oh, crap. Now I forgot what it was.
[Peter sits back down and another lightbulb appears over his head]
[Peter gets up again and breaks the second lightbulb]
Somehow, my machine seems to have reversed the direction of time.
BBrian
Reversed the direction of time? Stewie, what does that mean? I don't get it.
[We angle on the sidewalk. Mort Goldman takes a quarter from his pocket and puts it on the sidewalk, then continues]
BBrian
Okay, now I get it.
[Brian and Stewie hear groaning]
BBrian
It's Peter and Chris. Sounds like they're in trouble.
[they go to the living room and they see Peter and Chris groaning with vomit all over the room]
My God. Why is there so much vomit everywhere?
BBrian
[points at a bottle] Is that the ipecac bottle? [suddenly realizes] Oh, no! No, please, not this!
Oh, God! It's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going - [throws up]
BBrian
Oh, dear God! [throws up; Peter's vomit covers his eyes] Aah! WHAT THE HELL?!
[Peter holds Brian's ears and throws up]
I don't wanna! I don't wanna! [regurgitates]
Dad, I'm scared! [vomits and cries]
Oh God, this is so disgusting! I think I'm gonna puke! [regurgitates] FUCK!
[Brian and Stewie go outside, wipe their mouths, and groan in disgust]
BBrian
Stewie, I don't care what it takes. We've GOT to fix this! We just ate so much vomit!
Brian, it gets worse. Look.
[Stewie and Brian see a pregnant Bonnie putting some mail in the mailbox]
BBrian
Yeah, Bonnie is pregnant with Susie. So what?
That means Susie has been "unborn".
BBrian
Oh, my God! Stewie, you aren't that much older than Susie.
Brian, if we don't push time forward again soon, then I too will become unborn.
BBrian
And then somebody replaced Meg's sleeping pills wtih Alka - Selter.
[Cutaway to Meg in bed. She eats some pills, then drinks up water]
People are gonna miss me when l - [burping loudly]
BBrian
We've had this conversation. Do yourself a favor and move on.
Oh, that's interesting, Brian, because l found this [takes out his trashed play] buried in the backyard next to your soup bone!
BBrian
(gasps) Stewie, l...
You tried to destroy it, didn't you? I knew my play was good. Just like l knew your play was a mediocre patchwork of hackneyed ideas and tired cliches. You have no idea how hard it was to sit in that theater with all those braying hyenas. Couldn't you tell something was up when Chris and the fat man could follow the plot? I mean, it took Peter a year to figure out "Stuart Little".
[Cutaway]
I just figured it out. "Stuart" means mouse.
I feel so old and in the way.
[Present]
BBrian
It's still a good play!
It's filled with terrible double entendres, puns and stolen bits. There's a line in there from Seinfeld.
BBrian
(panicking) I never saw that episode!
I have a voice. You understand that? A writer needs a voice and I have one. You don't. Your play panders to the lowest common denominator, Brian. And it doesn't even do that well!
BBrian
(distraught) SHUT UP!
May every person who laughs at your sophomoric effort be a reminder of your eternal mediocrity, and pierce your heart like a knife.
[Stewie storms out. Beat. Brian begins to cry. He runs out in the backyard, breathing heavily. He sees a squirrel]
BBrian
(angry) Get in here, you bastard! [chases the squirrel after he has it pinned on the grass] You stink and your play stinks!
SSquirrel
This ain't about me, is it?
BBrian
[breaks down crying] No... and l'm sorry.
JJasper
Do whatever you have to do Brian, but never let him know he's got talent.
BBrian
Yeah, you're right. It won't be so hard.After all I've certainly done worse. I replaced Peter's "I can't believe it's not butter!" With real butter.
[Cutaway to Peter taking a bite on a butter toast then he realizes something in horror.]
wh-wha? [stuttering] I can't.... I CAN'T BELIEVE... [stuttering]
[Cut to a insane Peter screaming and kicking in mental hospital while being restrained]
I don't know doctor. Looking back, I think it may have been real butter.
DDoctor
Your husband murdered 3 children.
BBrian
Hey, so yeah... I'm digging a hole under the fence in the backyard.
MMan
Hey Brian, you have a car. You don't have to escape.
BBrian
Just don't say anything, okay?
[after Brian opens the door] Brian Griffin?
BBrian
Uh, yeah, that's me.
MMailman
[gives the package to Brian] Here you go.
[Brian takes off the tape and opens the package]
BBrian
[sees something terrible in the package, it's revealed to be Peter's penis he cut off] Aah! Oh, God!
[laughs] What's in the box, Brian? I got you good! [Blood is coming out and comes to Peter's pants] I don't feel right. I want it back. [Collapses]
[Peter barges it to tell the kids about staying in Italy]
Kids, I've got an announcement...
[sitting near the hem of Peter's robe on the floor] He's wearing a rubber.
We're staying in Italy. We're Italian now.
Well, if we're going to be Italian, I guess we should start murdering our brothers.
[slips behind Chris with a garrote and proceeds to strangle him]
What are you... [starts to choke and struggle]
[in an Italian-accented whisper] You break-a my heart, Chris. You break-a my heart.
Family Guy · 775 quotes
