Brian quotes from Family Guy

Stewie

Listen, I'll be your assistant, and we'll put on a whole big show!

Really?

Stewie

Yeah, we'll do all the great tricks. You can even split me in half.

What?

Stewie

Saw me in half.

I wanna get back on the motorcycle.

[sighing] I told you it's out of gas.

Why isn't the time machine working?!

Stewie

I don't know, Mort.

I hate it here! I hate this goddamn place! It's all a bunch of shit! It's all a bunch of goddamn shit!

Stewie

Okay, take it easy, man.

[furiously] No! Fuck you, Stewie! I'm a Jew in Nazi occupied Europe! FUCK YOU! FUCK THE BOTH OF YOU!

I didn't say anything.

Stewie

Oh, thanks Brian.

This is a bunch of shit!

Stewie

Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up! Alright, just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you! You know, we could just leave you here!

Yeah, right! Just leave me here, that's great! We're in occupied Europe, and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish!

Stewie

Oh, I've noticed. Helen Keller would notice.

Haha.

Eat my ass, Brian!

Don't you mean your assneck?

Shut up, that's a real thing!

This filth is making a mockery of our Reich! Execute them! [the soldiers cock their guns, ready to shoot them, but Hitler interrupts them] Unless...

Unless what?

Unless they can sing a charming musical number.

Whenever-

[stands on the return pad] Damn it, will you two just get on the fuckin' time machine?!

Peter

Ah! Aah! What is that?! What is that?! I feel somethin'!

Joe

It's your spine, dude. It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches.

Peter

I'm scared...I'm scared...I'm scared...I'm scared -[vomits on Brian]

Oh, God!

Peter

Does this get fixed with ice or heat?

Cleveland

Ice now. Heat later.

What's it called?

[sarcastically] Wow, a song named after a girl. There aren't a million of those already.

Stewie

Name 20.

"Rosanna", "Roxanne", "Michelle", "Alison", "Sarah", "Angie", "Brandy", "Mandy", "Gloria", "Cecilia", "Maggie May", "Jessica", "Nancy", "Barbara Ann", "Billie Jean", "Layla", "Lola", "Polly", "Helena", "Jenny from the Block".

Stewie

Name 6 more.

"Sherry", "Laura", "Wendy", "Maria", "Peggy Sue", "Minnie the Moocher".

Stewie

Name 5 more.

"Tracy", "Jean", "Jane", "Mary Ann", "Eleanor Rigby".

Stewie

Go fuck yourself.

Oh, there's my laptop. Do you mind? I want to check my e-mail.

Stewie

Go away! I'm editing this music video I'm making for Susie.

[voice rising in pitch] Oh, really. Music video? Working on a little video there? Little, uh... little music video? Little compilation of visual images to go with the song? A little four-minute movie that tells the story of a...

Stewie

Yeah, that only works when I do it.

Wow. Fred Savage is the greatest actor in the history of the world!

That's all I ever wanted people to know.

Lois

Well, if you let us run this story, I promise you they will.

You've got a deal!

[as the voice-over from "The Wonder Years"] Well, it finally happened. I had finally gotten the recognition I deserved.

[angrily] I don't need you anymore!

Well, Christ, Fred. You don't have to be a dick about it.

Lauren just finished a fascinating doctoral thesis on sub-orbital propulsion mechanisms that NASA is using for the next generation of space shuttles.

Oooohhhhhh... Aaaaahhhh!

Peter

So, Lauren, um, whenever I'm watchin' your show...you give me wood. Where do we go from here?

What the hell? What's happened to us?

Stewie

I don't know, but suddenly I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy. It seems we're in a universe where everything is drawn by Disney.

Look! There's our house!

Stewie

[laughing] Look how gaily we run!

Whoa, this is trippy.

Stewie

I should say so. We're in the Robot Chicken universe.

Will you guys move? You're blocking the TV.

Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! Yay! Those shows existed!

Stewie

How's it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds?

Fuck you!

Stewie

Bye!

That's the problem with this world: Too many people go overboard with what they believe, like Quagmire when he thought he was the one getting the spin-off.

Quagmire

See you later, bitches! Have fun with your stupid goddamn Giant Chicken jokes and your Conway Twitty... Hey, why is there a moving truck outside Cleveland's house?

[after the breakup] You can leave my apartment key on the davenport.

[about to set them on the dresser] Here?

No. The davenport- the chesterfield.

[about to set them on the cushioned bench] On this?

No. Does that look like a divan to you?

[about to set them on the windowsill] Here?

[sighs] Leave them on the chifferobe.

[frustrated] You know what? Just take your fuckin' keys. I don't know what the fuck you're talkin' about. [slams door]

I'm trying to establish a friendship with you. All I've done is try to be nice to you, and you still don't like me. How can you not like me?

Quagmire

Okay, I'll tell you. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife. The man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death, and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard. And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing. You always say, "Oh, I'll get you later" but "later" never comes. And what really bothers me is you pretend you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some seventh grade interpretation of how Holden Caulfield is some profound, intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat! And that's why you like him so much...he's you! God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible! You know, I should have known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She would have known there's no "a" in the word "definite." And I think what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda, how we should "legalize pot, man," how big business is crushing the underclass, how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well, what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there! You wanna help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ! Oh, wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion for that matter, because "religion is for idiots!" Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father! How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore! That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore. [sighs] Well, see ya, Brian! Thanks for the fucking steak.

Peter

Morning, nice people who I still don't know your names and who mean nothing to me.

Lois

Well, I certainly hope that doesn't apply to me, especially after last night.

Peter

You got a point there, hot stuff. [smacks her rear end] And if sex with the rest you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine.

Chris

Yay!

Lois

Well, no, no, Peter. You can't have sex with the kids.

Meg

Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory. [everyone else gasps] It was a joke! I was just making a joke!

Stewie

That's your sense of humor?!

Meg

I was just kidding! God!

Lois

Meg, that's awful!

Chris

Geez, open your mouth for a joke once and that's what you come up with?

That's messed up, Meg.

Meg

I was just trying to be funny.

Lois

That wasn't funny, that was just dark.

Stewie

Yeah, that's your father!

Chris

[shoves Meg out of the kitchen] Oh, get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, get out! Out, out, out! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, and get out of here!

Peter

Heh, heh, heh.

James Woods is insane. And on top of that, he's, like, 60. The character of Byron is 25 years old

I know, I know. But what if he wasn't?

What? But he is.

...n't.

My God, this is a nightmare. I thought you said you weren't gonna mess with my show.

It's a small change, Brian. You won't even notice it.

You guys aren't gonna fucking believe this. Call a tow truck. I just banged into some homo's Prius.