Stewie Griffin quotes from Family Guy

So what happened?

Stewie

Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being an adult sucks. Women are a royal pain in the ass. It's like you can't just hang out with men, you know? Just live with someone of your sex, just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy, you know?

They do, it's called being gay.

Stewie

Oh, that's what gay is? Oh yeah, I could get into that.

How are we gonna get out of here?

Stewie

You still got the starting gun?

Yeah.

Stewie

Give it to me. [Brian hands Stewie his starting gun. Scene changes to the green car stopping at the traffic light. He pops up with starting gun aimed at the driver.] GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR! GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR, RIGHT NOW, MAN! [smashes the driver-side door window] GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR! DO IT, DO IT, DO IT! GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR!

Did we just carjack someone?

Stewie

We sure did, Brian. We sure did.

Stewie

Let's see what else we've got here. The first season of "Sister, Sister" on DVD?

Cleveland

You're welcome.

Lois

Stewie, what are you doing?! You can't open Meg's gifts!

Stewie

These are mine, you hear me? MINE!

Lois

Oh God, not the "mine" phase. I've been dreading this day.

Stewie

I'm entitled to these things, Lois. Especially after I got shafted by that Asian Santa at the mall.

What you want? What you want for Christmas?

Stewie

Um... I was thinking one of those old time-y...

Too late! Take too long! Sad Christmas! [he throws Stewie off his lap and an Asian kid is put on it] What you want?

Fire truck!

What color?

Red!

Next!

[As he is thrown off Santa] AHHH!

How do you think it works?

Stewie

I have no idea.

Look, Lois told me I had to start using the toilet and you're the one who's had potty training, so I'm counting on you to help me.

Stewie

All right, we're two intelligent guys. We can figure this out.

What's that big back part?

Stewie

Maybe that's where the wizard lives who operates this thing. It would be wise not to anger him.

I wonder what this thing is for.

Stewie

Brian, be careful with that. We don't know what it does.

[sighs] All right, here goes.

Stewie

Oh, God, oh, God. Careful, careful, careful, careful...

Stewie

Who cares? As long as it's away from those bloody church fanatics.

Lois

We're goin' to Texas. We can stay at my sister Carol's place until this blows over.

Texas? We're going to Texas in search of religious tolerance? That's gonna be like trying to get Sneakers O'Toole to take his sneakers off.

I'm not takin' my sneakers off / I am Sneakers O'Toole.

Hey! Take those sneakers off!

No!

Take 'em off, I said!

No! [runs off]

Ah, let him go. We'll never catch him. Not in these shoes.

I didn't take my sneakers off / I'm still Sneakers O'Toole.

Listen, l hope you don't mind Stewie staying for us for a little while. He, uh, he just gets really lonely without me at home.

You're so fatherly. That really turns me on. [they start making out]

Stewie

[whining off - screen] Brian, there's no more graham crackers!

They're in the cabinet! [continues with Jillian]

Stewie

l don't see them.

They're right in front of you. Which cabinet are you looking in?

Stewie

Can't you just come in here?!

No, l'm busy. [continues with Jillian. We hear a loud crash and glass breaking]

Stewie

Oh, nooo! Oh, no, Brian! Oh no... OH NOOO! OH, BRIAN, WE NEED PAPER TOWELS! OH, OHH, IT'S GOING UNDER THE FRIDGE! OHH!

Just use a dish towel!

Stewie

THERE AREN'T ANY, BRIAN. YOU NEED TO COME IN THERE... OHH, WE ARE GONNA HAVE ANTS!

Stewie... did you... did you kill Lois?

Stewie

Of course I didn't, Brian. Remember what you said? I'm all talk. I wouldn't possibly go through with it. I'll just poop and fall asleep! [his head turns 90º slowly and creepily as he talks]

[freaked out] My God... you did it! You actually did it!

Stewie

Oh God, I've really screwed myself up here. Listen, could you reach into my pocket and get the number for that acupuncturist?

You son of a bitch, you killed Lois!

Stewie

Good luck proving that, Brian! Now, seriously, that number?

Well, I am gonna expose you for what you are! No matter what it takes! You are gonna pay for this! [leaves]

Stewie

You know, it's funny. From this position, I can hear Meg up in her room.

Meg

I'm gonna pretend you're the New York Knicks.

Stewie

I'll be as big as I should have been on American Idol.

Stewie

I don't mind not knowing

Stewie, what the hell was that?

Stewie

[nervously] That was, uh, "Lost in Your Eyes" by Debbie Gibson.

One of the worst I've ever heard.

Stewie

...Okay.

Stewie, you shouldn't even actually be alive, you sniveling little creep. I hate you so much, I want to shoot you in your face.

Stewie

...Alright.

Honey, I like you, but you're just not right for this competition.

Yo, dawg, I gotta tell you for me, man. That was not even half good, dude. You can't sing. What're you doin', Stewie?

Stewie

[he exits the room in tears] I don't even care! They don't know what they's talkin' 'bout! Next time they hear about me, they - they - they's gonna be like, "We was wrong 'bout Stewie"! 'Cause, 'cause I's gonna be huge! I - I's gonna be bigger than every one of all y'alls!

Stewie

You recall my complaining about Lois and the fat man not taking me with them?

Yeah?

Stewie

Yes, well, you said I didn't have it in me to kill Lois, so I was just running a simulation to find out exactly how killing her and taking over the world would play out for me.

Yeah? How'd that go?

Stewie

Not well, Brian. Not well. I suppose I'm not ready to kill Lois or take over the world...yet.

So, what you're saying is that what you experienced in the simulation didn't really happen, or even matter?

Stewie

Yes, that's correct.

So, it was sorta like a dream?

Stewie

No, it was a simulation.

Yes, but, theoretically, if someone watched the events of that simulation from start to finish, only to find out that none of it really happened, I mean... you don't think, that would, j-- be just like a giant middle finger to them?

Stewie

Well, hopefully, they would have enjoyed the ride.

I don't know, man. I think you'd piss a lot of people off that way. [He leaves]

Stewie

Well, at least it didn't end like The Sopranos, where it just cut to black in mid-sen -[the screen goes black like he described]

Stewie

Excellent. I'm a bigger hit with the kids than Will Smith and his nice, clean rap.

Whoooo! Ha-ha! I respect women when I'm on a date,

Stewie

Listen, I'll be your assistant, and we'll put on a whole big show!

Really?

Stewie

Yeah, we'll do all the great tricks. You can even split me in half.

What?

Stewie

Saw me in half.

Stewie

Ah, things'll work out for you. Now, come on, let's forget our problems and get lost in the world of books. [picks up a book] Ooh! "Horton Hears Domestic Violence in the Next Apartment and Doesn't Call 911!"

You think it's easy workin' all day?!

No-

You think I like it?!

I don't think it's easy, but, yes, I do think you like it!

No, I- yeah, I like bein' away from you, 'cause I can't stand lookin' at you!

You- [we hear a blow land. She screams and starts sobbing]

Hey, you think I wanna do that?! YOU THINK I WANNA HURT YOU?!?!

NOT IN FRONT OF THE BABY- [we hear another blow land, and another scream, followed by more sobbing]

I DON'T WANNA HURT YOU! YOU MAKE ME HURT YOU!

[continues reading] I'm sure there's two sides to this.

I wanna get back on the motorcycle.

[sighing] I told you it's out of gas.

Why isn't the time machine working?!

Stewie

I don't know, Mort.

I hate it here! I hate this goddamn place! It's all a bunch of shit! It's all a bunch of goddamn shit!

Stewie

Okay, take it easy, man.

[furiously] No! Fuck you, Stewie! I'm a Jew in Nazi occupied Europe! FUCK YOU! FUCK THE BOTH OF YOU!

I didn't say anything.

Stewie

Oh, thanks Brian.

This is a bunch of shit!

Stewie

Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up! Alright, just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you! You know, we could just leave you here!

Yeah, right! Just leave me here, that's great! We're in occupied Europe, and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish!

Stewie

Oh, I've noticed. Helen Keller would notice.

Haha.

Eat my ass, Brian!

Don't you mean your assneck?

Shut up, that's a real thing!

This filth is making a mockery of our Reich! Execute them! [the soldiers cock their guns, ready to shoot them, but Hitler interrupts them] Unless...

Unless what?

Unless they can sing a charming musical number.

Whenever-

[stands on the return pad] Damn it, will you two just get on the fuckin' time machine?!

Stewie

Hey, New Brian. Oh, I see you're having pie. You know, pie isn't pie without Cool Hwhip.

Stewie

Everything's better with Cool Hwhip.

Stewie

Did you hear what I said?

Yeah, what about it?

Stewie

It doesn't bother you the way I pronounce it? "Cool Hwhip?"

No, why would it?

Stewie

Cool Hwhip. I'm emphasizing the H.

Sounds right to me.

Stewie

Nothing ever bothers you, does it?

No, not really. I like everything.

Stewie

God, he's a bigger buzz kill than Buzz Killington.

Stewie, do you know why W. S. Gilbert was frequently drunk on his transatlantic crossings?

Stewie

No...

Because he was quartered on the port-side! [chuckles] Now that I've got you, let's both revisit the birth of the D'Oyly Carte Opera Company...