StewieOh and if Cookie Monster calls, tell him I'm not talking to him until he gets out of rehab.
[Cutaway to Cookie Monster from Sesame Street reading a book in Rehab, Until the Rehab doctor and assistants enter the room.]
RDRehab Doctor
Contraband check. [They find a plate of cookies.] What are these?
CMCookie Monster
I don't know.
RDRehab Doctor
What do you mean you don't know?
CMCookie Monster
I-I don't know how they got here.
RDRehab Doctor
Well I think you do Know.
CMCookie Monster
No, no... Uh... Derek was in here earlier... Um... he was making the beds. He probably put them... I was in the John.
[Due to his cookie addiction, he proceeds to go crazy and eat all the cookies on the plate. He is now being held down by assistants on the bed while screaming and kicking.]
CMCookie Monster
YOU GUYS ARE NAZIS, MAN! YOU'RE FREAKING NAZIS!! AAAH!!!
RDRehab Doctor
[sedates him, putting him to sleep.] Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Stewie
[reads The Da Vinci Code] Oh, yes, just as I thought. France... art... murder?! Well, this is a bigger surprise than that time Peter vanished into thin air.
[cut to Peter playing Peek-a-boo with Stewie]
Stewie
Yes, I see you, fat man.
[gasps] Where's Daddy? [covers eyes]
Stewie
What? [looks around] Where did you go?! Oh, this is impossible! I-I-I can hear you, but I can't see. Well, he must really be gone. [starts picking his nose]
[removes hands from eyes] Peek-a-boo!
Stewie
Ahh! How the hell did you do that?! Look, I thought you disappeared, otherwise I wouldn't have picked my-- [Peter covers his eyes again] Oh, great. Leave when I'm right in the middle of a sentence.
We now go live to Ollie Williams, in the Channel 5 Traffic Copter. What's the scene, Ollie?
[Cut to Ollie riding a helicopter]
Everybody looks like ants!
Probably because you're up so high. Coming up next, an exclusive interview with Andrew Shue.
Stewie
Hey, hey Dad, Dad. Pull my finger. [holds his finger out, Peter pulls it] Wait... [farts] Oh, sounded like a peeptoad! But it's not summer!
[Lois furiously comes into the house, dripping wet, hyperventilating with rage and covered in seaweed and leeches]
Hey, Drippy, you're back! What's for dinner?
[Brian and Stewie are joking about Marian]
Stewie
Hey, Brian. Marian just called you an alcoholic.
Oh, yeah? Marian just called you a homo.
Stewie
Wait a second. I'll be right back. [leaves, then returns with a cucumber] Hey, Brian, Brian. What if I put this cucumber right here? Put the cucumber right there. Do you think Patrick would be angry?
[both laugh]
I don't know, man! It's his wife!
Stewie
You don't think he'd be ticked off if I put this... Just put that right there? Just right in that spot, right there on the couch?
[laughing] Hey, Marian's giving you a thumbs up! [laughs]
Stewie
You know what we should do? We should let it sit here for a couple of weeks and see if it pickles!
[both laugh]
Stewie
If after three weeks, it pickles, then she's real, and we both have to buy Patrick a steak!
[both laugh harder]
Stewie
[after finding a drunk Brian sitting by a fire hydrant] Oh, God, a gutter? How cliché!
I don't know what went wrong. I was just trying to live for the moment, you know? Because life can end so abruptly and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
Stewie
Is that why you've been on this path to self-destruction? You know, Brian, as smart as you are, you've just got to accept the fact that there are some things in life you just can't control.
You mean, the way you can't control that messed up way that you laugh when you think something's is really, really funny?
[cut to a scene of Stewie and Brian watching Hope & Faith]
FFaith
Well, Hope, I don't understand why these cookies are giving us all the fits.
HHope
Well, no wonder, Faith. That's not baking power. It's sneezing powder.
[Stewie laughing]
FFaith
But, I already bought a whole batch to the church bake sale.
[Stewie laughing]
HHope
No wonder that priest kept saying "Bless you".
[Stewie laughing]
[cut back to Stewie and Brian]
Stewie
Yes, and I accept that. Your problem is you think that just because you're not in control, nothing matters. Th-that YOU don't matter. But you know what? You matter to someone. [voice breaks] You matter big time... [runs off]
[Brian has finished showering, and walks to the door with a towel wrapped around him. He opens the door to see Stewie holding a glass of orange juice.
Stewie
Hey there. So, uh, it's been 24 hours. Got my money?
Ah... You know what, just give me till next Friday, I'll have it for you.
Stewie
Oh. Oh, that's funny. I could've sworn I said have it today.
Yeah, I don't have it. Sorry.
Stewie
Oh. Well, alright then. [drinks his orange juice] Mmm, that's good OJ. [angrily smashes the glass on Brian's head, causing him to scream in pain with eyes bleeding] Yeah, that hurt?! That hurt?!
Stewie
Yeah, that don't feel so good, does it? No, huh? [punches Brian and throws him aside] Yeah, that's what happens, man!
Stewie
Yeah, that's what happens! [punches Brian twice] Where's my money?! Ya gonna give me my money?! Where's the money, man! [grabs the towel rack and beats Brian up with it] Where's the money?! Yeah, you like that?! That feel good?! [pulls Brian to the toilet and dunks his head in, hits him with the toilet lid] Where's the money, man?! Where's my money?! [throws him out of the toilet, Brian coughs blood and water] You got till five o'clock. You hear me?! You got till five o'clock!
Stewie
[tosses the towel to Brian and leaves] Yeah, clean yourself up.
Thank you for coming, Deep Throat.
KKermit
[within the shadows] You'll understand if I don't come out from the shadows. My identity will be safest if you never see my face.
KKermit
Mayor West hasn't slept at home for three nights.
[recognizing him] Kermit the Frog?
KKermit
[gasps] Somebody talked! No one is safe! I'm gettin' outta here! [flees from the scene] YAAAAAAAAAAY!!!
Stewie
What's his appeal?
Alright, let's get out of here.
Stewie
Oh, God, l feel more delirious than my cousin, Stewie Cruise.
[Cut to Stewie's said cousin on the couch with Katie Holmes]
SCStewie Cruise
l'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay! Go see my new movie! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay!
[actor Matthew McConaughey, soaking wet, enters the Griffin residence]
MMcConaughey
Yeah, I'm lookin' for a guy named Stewie.
[Stewie shoots an arrow through his left eye; McConaughey collapses; Stewie grabs him]
Stewie
Chris, grab his legs! I gotta bury this thing.
Stewie
Grab his legs!
[Chris does so, and both brothers carry McConaughey out of the house]
The Griffin family history is a rich tapestry. But, since we're gonna die, there's one more secret I feel I have to share with you: I did not care for The Godfather.
Did not care for The Godfather.
How can you even say that?
Peter, it’s so good- it’s like the perfect movie.
This is what everyone always says- everyone always says [imitates various voices telling him they also disagree]
Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, I mean- ROBERT DUVALL!
I know- look, fine, fine actor, did not like the movie.
Explain yourself, what didn’t you like about it?
It insists upon itself, Lois.
What does that even mean?
‘Cause it has a valid point to make, it’s insistent!
It takes forever gettin’ in, you spend nearly six-and-a-half hours and then- you know I can’t even finish the movie; I’ve never even seen the ending.
You’ve never seen the ending?!
Stewie
Well how can you say you don’t like it if you haven’t given it a chance?
I agree with Stewie, it’s not really fair.
I have tried on three separate occasions to get through it, and I get to the scene where all the guys are sittin’ around in the easy chairs-
Yeah, that’s a great scene. I love that scene.
I have no idea what they’re talkin’ about; it’s like they’re speaking a different language- that’s why I lose interest.
They’re speaking Italian!
The language they’re speaking is a language of subtlety, something you don’t understand.
I love The Money Pit. That is my answer to that statement.
[Stewie and Brian are playing Pac-Man while intoxicated]
Get, get the fruit. It's more points. Get, get the fruit.
Stewie
I'm not gonna get the fruit.
Stewie
I-I can't get the fruit.
Stewie
[angrily] I'M NOT GONNA GET THE FRUIT! THERE'S A GHOST RIGHT THERE!
Peter, how do you respond to the accusations that you were responsible for the series cancellation?
Well, the show had been on for a while, and uh, I was talking to Alan Alda, and, uh, he said the same thing that, uh, Doc Cosby told me: That it was my face out there, and I should take creative control. So I did. And we pushed the envelope creatively, and I stand by my work.
[cut to Lois and Cleveland dancing to tribal-like music. Cleveland is holding a bleeding chicken]
Peter, can we cut? This isn't working for me.
Hey, who yells "cut", Cleveland?! The only one who yells "cut" is the director!
Look, if you want me to fuck this chick, I'll fuck her, but don't make me go through all this bullshit! You're showin' a real ugly side, Griffin!
[Stewie walks in, wearing a tribal skirt and a drum for some reason]
Stewie
Did I miss my cue?
[in the bar]
Although I probably pushed things too far when I did the incest episode.
[cut to Lois sitting on the couch; Chris walks in]
[nervously] Oh, uh...hi, Mom.
[in a shaky voice] Hi, Chris... [they both have a shameful look on their faces]
[in the kitchen with his head down, pounding his fist on the table every time he says 'wrong'] WRONG! It's WRONG!
[Peter lights a bunch of firecrackers and holds it in one hand, showing it to Quagmire]
Quagmire, check it out! I took ten M-80s and stuck 'em all together. I call it "Peter Griffin's Bunker-Bustin'-Mega-Ultra-Super-" [the firecrackers explode all at once in his hand, knocking him down to the ground; screams; holds up his fingerless hand to everyone] HOLY CRAP! [he, the rest of the Griffins (barring Stewie), and Quagmire all scream in shock]
OH, MY GOD! YOU BLEW OFF ALL YOUR FINGERS!
[enters] What happened? [sees Peter's hand; shocked] OH, MY GOD!
Stewie
You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sorta outta juice over here. [taps his empty cup] Bone dry.
[finds one of the missing fingers on one of the wheels of Joe's wheelchair] There's one of Dad's fingers!
We have to hurry! I learned in biology, if you get 'em back soon enough, they can be reattached!
[enters with another of Peter's fingers in his hair] What's all the commotion?
Stewie
Now, why would you be embarrassed about dating her?
JJillian
Oh, my God, Brian! I was watching something on TV about this guy named Hitler. Somebody should stop him!
Stewie
[to Brian] Is she retarded?
Can you please leave now?!
Stewie
Oh, now I get it! She's a moron! But a moron with large breasts you can use as mountains for your Matchbox cars or whatever it is grown-ups do with large breasts.
Shut up! That's not it at all!
[Brian and Stewie are sitting on the couch in the living room]
Stewie
Oh, she's probably up at the house.
Brian: Stewie.
Stewie: Yeah?
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: What?
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: I know.
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: I know. [squints his eyes, confused with what Brian is trying to tell him]
Brian: No, Stewie, Stewie. It's not your fault.
[They get off the couch and face each other]
Stewie: Don't do this to me, man! Not you, man!
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: [on the verge of tears] Screw you! Cut it out, man!
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: [starts crying and Brian hugs him] Why is it so hard? I didn't know it was gonna be so hard!
[They let go]
Look, Stewie, you stood up before God and all your toys and you took an oath to stick it out when things got tough. You want her to see you as an adult? Well, this is adulthood. (Stewie stops crying and dries his tears)
Stewie
You're right, Brian. I can't hide from this relationship. It's my responsibility to deal with it. I mean, what kind of a man would I be if I ran off now?
Well, you'd be a black man.
Stewie
[shocked] Wow! Wow! Whoa! What was that!?
Ah! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! That was my father talking!
Stewie
You, um... You gotta work on that, man. Bad dog. [leaves]
Family Guy · 775 quotes
