Peter Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Peter

Wow. I haven't felt this powerful since I got to decide which ant lives and which ant dies.

Peter

You shall battle to the death, and the winner will be given his freedom! Why are you looking at me like that?

Lois

Peter, would you like a glass of-- [sees a decapitated Peter with a bloodied neck] OH, MY GOD! I TOLD YOU NOT TO PLAY GOD WITH THOSE ANTS!

Chris

How were all your business trips?

Peter

Oh, exemplary, Chris.

Chris

I don't understand what either of those words means.

Stewie

One of them was "Chris."

Lois

What's wrong with you, Peter?!

Peter

Lois, I'm sorry.

Lois

How the hell can you possibly mistake another baby for Stewie?!

Peter

Now, calm down, Lois. You're gonna say something you don't mean.

Lois

[Angry] Oh no, I'm not! You're an idiot!

Peter

[Hurt] You don't mean that...

Stewie

[Stewie looks at Facebook on his phone] I already got a Facebook friend request from the Dad. Is that weird?

Lois

Peter, I have put up with your nonsense for 20 years, but today, you crossed the line! You left a helpless baby in the public park, and that's something only an idiot would do!

Peter

I'm not an idiot!

Hey, I think there was a mix-up at the park. [he gives Peter his eye back]

Cleveland

Wassup?! [The Cleveland Show theme music plays as Cleveland approaches the guys]

Peter

[normally] Oh, hey, Cleveland!

Joe

Hi!

Quagmire

Wait, don't you have a show to do...[chuckles] Oh wait, that's right!

Cleveland

Alright, I knew this was comin'! Everybody, gimme your best shot!

Quagmire

Oh, my G - where do I even begin? You know, it's not a good sign that this is the first time a lot of people are realizing you had a show!

Joe

Your logo was stupid. Looked like a big purple penis and your ratings blew.

Cleveland

We did about the same as Bob's Burgers.

Quagmire

That's your bar?! Oh, shame on you!

Cleveland

This is good. This is constructive.

Quagmire

The talking bear was so bad, Seth MacFarlene quit voicing him after Season 2.

Cleveland

It's hard to make a talkin' bear funny.

Quagmire

[laughs] It worked out okay in movie form!

Joe

What was supposed to be the show's audience? Who did you make it for? Like, some black guy who never met another black guy?

Cleveland

Anything else?

Peter

Yeah, here's four seasons' worth of DVDs of what we've been up to. You know, just so you're back up to speed. And I'll warn ya ahead of time - these have jokes in 'em.

Cleveland

I...I don't have a DVD player.

Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga!

Stewie

What is that? What's happening?

[carrying mattresses] Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga!

Peter, what are you doing?

Peter

Playing "Unga-Bunga". It's the championship.

Stewie

Go away! This is why Zillow estimates our house at $4.00.

What the hell is "Unga-Bunga"?

Peter

Two guys run into each other with mattresses and, um, that's kinda it.

Chris

Stop explaining it to the dog! Let's do this!

Stewie

Stop it! I'm trying to watch my program!

Peter

Whoa, Chris, look! Mom's naked!

Chris

Where?

Peter

[whacks Chris with his mattress] You creep.

Stewie

[gasp] No!

Lois

Peter, what's going on in...

Peter

[whacks Lois with his mattress] Unga-Bunga!

Stewie

[becomes angry] You... You imbeciles! You've ruined my night! I asked for one thing in this house!

Stewie, just watch your show upstairs.

Stewie

I don't want to watch it upstairs on the small TV, I want to watch it downstairs on the big TV! [his face turns red with anger as he starts crying] I WANNA WATCH MY SHOW! [cries, throws himself on the ground and starts throwing his tantrum]

Lois

Oh no, Stewie's havin' a tantrum. Come here, sweetie. [Stewie bites her thumb] OW! Screw you, ya little turd!

Meg

[enters the living room] What's all that noise? [sees Stewie upset] Aw, do you want a hug from your big sister? [picks Stewie up and is headbutted] OW!

Lois

[puts Stewie in bed after he is out of control] You've earned yourself a time-out, young man. [turns the light off] Now, you stay in here until you can behave. [slams the door and leaves]

Stewie

I HATE YOU! You always ruin everything! God, it's a family of idiots! I wish I was never born! [sees Rupert wearing a fire helmet] Not tonight, Rupert. I'm much too upset.

Peter

Lois, what the fuck did you do?! I just got a note from Goodwill thanking me for donating all my porn!

Lois

WHAT?! I'm sick and tired of you blaming me for things I didn't do! And I've got a bone to pick with you! I don't appreciate how you spray-painted "vile woman" on the bedroom wall.

Peter

That wasn't me! It must've been one of the kids!

Lois

That's ridiculous, Peter! Chris can't write, and we don't allow Meg upstairs!

Peter

Well, you know what? I'm starting to think whoever wrote that is right!

Lois

Well, maybe I don't wanna live with someone who doesn't respect me!

Peter

Well then, maybe I should just leave!

Lois

And where are you gonna go?! You got nothing else and nobody else!

Homer

Alright Peter. If we're gonna find your car, we've got to think like a car. So let's fill up at that gas station.

Peter

I feel sick...

Homer

Keep drinking! I prepaid 40 bucks!

Peter

H-Homer Maybe we're doing this wrong.

Peter

Oh crap.

Lois

Haben Sie Homer und Peter mit Chevron pump? (Have you got Homer and Peter with the Chevron pump?)

Peter

That's pretty good, right?

Homer

No.

Peter

Huh?

Homer

It's not good. This beer tastes exactly like Duff. It's just a lousy ripoff!

Peter

Hey, whoa whoa whoa! It's not a ripoff of Duff! It may have been inspired by Duff, but I...I like to think it goes in a different direction.

Homer

No, this is just the same as Duff, but, like, worse!

Peter

Hey, come on, now, this is my favorite beer you're talking about! Hell, I work for the company. It's my livelihood!

[takes the beer] Oh, yeah? Well, your livelihood is based on fraud. Look at this. [Rips off the Pawtucket Patriot Ale label, revealing the Duff Beer label underneath] Huh?!

Homer

[gasps] IT IS DUFF! Your beer is in big trouble! You can't just slap a new label on something and call it your own!

Peter

Well, maybe Duff should be in trouble for, you know, not being that great.

Homer

[gasps] Duff is an ICON!

Peter

Yeah, but some folks prefer Pawtucket Pat. I mean, don't get me wrong. I used to love Duff when I was younger, but, I haven't even had it in 13 years.

Be that as it may, I represent the Duff Brewery. And you sir, as a representative of Pawtucket Patriot Ale, are being sued for intellectual theft and patent infringement.

Homer

Ah-ha! Intellectual infringement. What do you have to say about that, Griffin?!

Peter

D'oh!

Stewie

Lois! Lois! Mommy!

Stewie, what's going on? You should be asleep by now.

Stewie

I can't sleep, Brian. Where's the woman? I need her to read me a bedtime story.

Oh, she's busy with the blood drive. Maybe I can help. [grabs a book] How about I read you this one? It's called "Apathetic George". [reads the book] "George used to be a curious monkey, but after a month in captivity, all he did was wait for food. The zoo people wanted him to mate, but he lost interest in that, too. Twenty years and millions of dollars in zoo revenue later, he died."

Stewie

Okay, I've had enough.

All right, you know what? I know something that will help you sleep. Wait here.

Stewie

Well, I hope so, because I've tried everything. Counting sheep and thinking sleepy thoughts. I even hired the Sandman.

Peter

Sand and sand and sand and sand and sand and sand and good night!

Hi, I'm the new nurse.

Peter

Get outta here. The blood's not for you.

Aww. Oh, look, an empty tire with some water in it. All right, I'm happy again.

My teeth!

Peter

Oh! Oh, man! I'm real sorry about your mouth, Brian.

[injured because of Peter's greed] Damn it, Peter! What the hell were you thinking?! This has to be the dumbest thing you've ever done!

Peter

No, Brian. The dumbest thing I ever did was turn the bubbles off in a hot tub. [cut to the said incident] Yeah, party! [shuts off the bubbles] Eww, baths with friends.

Peter

Oh.

Peter, what the hell?! You chose a turkey over me?! I almost died!

Peter

I swear to God, I thought dogs could breathe underwater.

Lois

Hey, do you think if I let Jesus sleep with Bonnie, he'd give me back the use of my legs?

Peter

Joe, I don't speak for Jesus, I just get him trim.

Lois, it seems like you learned the lesson I intended.

Peter

What lesson?

Oh, you know, uh... That... this holiest of days is about... uh... appreciating our loved ones and, uh... resisting temptation.

Lois

Oh, so it was a test. Like when your Father told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac.

Yes, that! That’s exactly right. Uh, well... I can see my work here is done...

Peter

Well taught, Jesus. Well taught.

Yeah, I guess, who cares, I’m not even real. Merry Christmas.

Chris

Heil Hooters!

Lois

Whoa!

Peter

Careful, it might be a "booby-trap".