Alright, that's it, Peter, we've gotta do something about that awful breath. I'm making an appointment and you are going to the dentist.
PeterJeesh, you are not gonna let this go, are ya. You're as stubborn as a four-hour erection.
[Cutaway to a guy in bed]
MMan
Well, she's long gone. [lifts his sheet to talk to his erection] So, uh, you can go, too.
EErection
Oh no. You got me for another three-and-a-half hours, pal. Go ahead, seek medical attention. I'm not going anywhere.
MMan
You can't stay! I'm chaperoning my daughter's Girl Scout dinner in 45 minutes!
EErection
Well, tuck me into your waistband and try not to pee up your shirt.
Oh, look who's back; the grave robber.
Peter
Hey, Lois.
So, what happened? Did you find your treasure?
Peter
No, I realized something after you left; It's not the treasure that matters. All that matters is the money you get in exchange for the treasure. I guess I had to learn that the hard way.
Peter
Hey, I'm home! I got groceries.
Peter
Yeah, I was driving past there and we were out of some stuff, so I- [Gets tackled by Lois]
You listen to me you son of a bitch! I've got one thing in this lifetime... ONE THING! [Punches Peter]
Peter
You always say I never do anything around here!!
YEAH, I LIKE SAYING THAT MORE THAN I LIKE YOU DOING THINGS...
Dad, I got the rest from a car. Where-
Peter
CHRIS, RUN! YOU ARE RIGHT, SHE DIDN'T APPRECIATE IT!
Oh crap! [runs off but Lois throws a can out of the house and it hits him off-screen.] OW!
That's Right... I DO GROCERIES.
[Peter and Joe pound on the door of a storage unit while searching for Quagmire]
Quagmire, are you in there?!
[muffled sounds from Quagmire are heard]
Peter
Oh, he's eating. [shouts at the door] We'll come back when you're done eating!
IIda
Okay, you guys. Where should we start looking for Glenn?
Peter
Well, sometimes Quagmire likes to hang out under all the clutter in my garage, so why don't we start sorting stuff and throwing stuff away, but check with me before you throw stuff away?
Peter
[after Brian opens the door] Brian Griffin?
MMailman
[gives the package to Brian] Here you go.
[Brian takes off the tape and opens the package]
[sees something terrible in the package, it's revealed to be Peter's penis he cut off] Aah! Oh, God!
Peter
[laughs] What's in the box, Brian? I got you good! [Blood is coming out and comes to Peter's pants] I don't feel right. I want it back. [Collapses]
[the morning after sex in Italy]
Last night was the best sex I ever had.
Peter
Me too. We haven't done it like that since we were engaged, but allowed to sleep with other people.
What are you talking about?
[Peter barges it to tell the kids about staying in Italy]
Peter
Kids, I've got an announcement...
[sitting near the hem of Peter's robe on the floor] He's wearing a rubber.
Peter
We're staying in Italy. We're Italian now.
Well, if we're going to be Italian, I guess we should start murdering our brothers.
[slips behind Chris with a garrote and proceeds to strangle him]
What are you... [starts to choke and struggle]
[in an Italian-accented whisper] You break-a my heart, Chris. You break-a my heart.
[sees a car speeding straight for Brian] Brian, look out! [the car runs over Brian, breaking the hockey stick, and the toy net in the process] Aah, Brian! [runs to him]
[runs out of the house with Peter, Chris, and Meg and saw Brian hurt] Oh, my God! [runs to him] Brian! Brian, can you hear me?!
Peter
Holy crap! What the hell happened?!
SSquirrel
[runs to Brian, kicks his head, and spits] That guy sucked! [runs away, cuts to Quahog Vet]
Mom, is Brian gonna be okay?
I don’t know, Meg. But this is the best veterinary in Quahog. Brian’s getting the fine care there is.
You have to share an ambulance with a chicken.
Peter
[to Chicken] Hey, Um, aren't you supposed to be running around?
CChicken
[to Peter] Don't talk to me. You have a bad reputation in the chicken community.
Doctor, how is Brian? Is he gonna be okay?
VVeterinarian
[sadly] I'm so sorry, Mrs. Griffin, but Brian's injuries are just too severe for us to save him. I don't know how much longer he has, but I suggest that you all go in and say your good-byes. [The Griffin family are shocked in horror to the Veterinarian, they walk to Brian’s deathbed]
[tearfully] Oh, my God! Brian, no!
Peter
[tearfully] I can't believe it. Y-You're really...
[tearfully] Damn it, Brian, you can't die! We were gonna do so many things together. We were gonna become windsurfers. I was gonna be a little better than you, but we were both gonna be good! [Brian wakes up; groans softly]
You guys, I think, I think Brian's trying to say something!
You... you've given me a wonderful life. I love you all. [smiles before finally passing away, to the family's horror. The veterinarian checks his heartbeat. Nothing.]
VVeterinarian
[sadly] I'm sorry. He's gone.
[tearfully] Oh, my god... He's...
[tearfully] Yes, Chris. I'm afraid... I'm afraid our Brian is dead!
Peter
Now this is a gun without safety. [shoots Quagmire, who screams in pain] Quite the difference, huh?
[angrily] DAMN IT, PETER, YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU SHOT ME!
Oh, my God! Peter, that must be the dumbest thing you've ever done!
Peter
No. The dumbest I ever did was open that can of whup-ass.
[Cutaway to Peter opening said can. An arm pops out and repeatedly punches Peter in the face]
Peter
Lois, why did you buy this?!
Peter
All right, Quagmire, I have given this a lot of thought. I need you to shoot me in the arm and we can be friends again.
Peter
[after realizing what he just told Quagmire] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, I was supposed to offer, and then you were supposed to say, "No, Peter, I'm not gonna shoot you, although I do appreciate the gesture."
You better hand me the gun, Peter.
Peter
I passed the test?
[sternly] No, Peter. I'm gonna shoot you like a dirty animal.
Peter
But just the fact that I would make the offer is so meaningful to you...
Your offer means nothing, Peter. The only thing that means anything to me is a bullet in your arm. Now give me that!
Peter
Stop! Stop! Quagmire, let go!
Come on! You're not leaving here without being shot!
Peter
Look, I was trying to do the decent thing, like you'd see in a movie!
I'm putting that bullet in your arm, Peter!
Peter
[gets shot in the arm] Ah! Son of a bitch!
It's over. We're all friends again.
Peter
What the hell, Joe?!
I'm just trying to settle this nonsense.
Nothing got settled! You shot him! I'm the one who has to shoot him!
Peter
Wait a second, then I get to shoot Joe! Alright, he shot me! If we're doing things fair here, then- [gets shot in the head and falls]
C'mon, guys! It's game time!
Peter
Alright! This is the greatest Sunday tradition ever...except for getting all my cutaway gags ready for the week. [cutaway to Peter in the Griffins' living room with various other characters for potential upcoming cutaway gags] Okay, my Great-Uncle Wears-A-Ski-Hat-All-The-Time Griffin will be followed by Nick Nolte's handkerchief, followed by Japanese Abe Lincoln, and then Monkey Rabbi. Hey, where's the Monkey Rabbi? [the Monkey Rabbi walks into the room] Here's your Torah, you'll be here on Tuesday at 9:00. Check in with Shirley.
DVDarth Vader
You gonna need me this week?
Peter
Uh, maybe. Maybe Friday. Uh, now where are the gays?
Peter
No, no, no. The cartoony gay guys.
CGCartoony Gay Guy
Yoooo-hoooooo!!!
Peter
There you are, we're gonna need you guys all week.
[Peter checks up on his hairless twin brother]
PSPeter's Twin
Close the door! The moonlight burns!
Peter
It's almost Christmas. It's almost Christmas.
PSPeter's Twin
Christmas?
Peter
Yes. Keep being good, and all the eggshells and coffee grounds will be yours.
PSPeter's Twin
Can I meet the family?
Peter
You've overstepped! No Christmas!
[Peter receives a package that's addressed to Quagmire]
Peter
Huh, it says "Glenn Quagmire". But if you squint and imagine it says "Peter Griffin", it says "Peter Griffin".
Peter, it's Quagmire's. Take it next door.
Peter
Now, now, hold on, Lois. Now, this poses a very difficult ethical dilemma. Do I deliver the package to its rightful owner? Or do I open it up and see if it contains He-Mans?
Family Guy · 775 quotes
