All right. See you later.
Actually, I met a photographer at Stewie's school yesterday, and he wants me to model for him.
[Peter pulls his ears to rip them off, and they come out when he does, causing blood to come out]
Peter[showing his ears he ripped off to Lois] Lois, please send these back to the factory. I believe they're defective.
Oh my God, Peter, did you just rip your ears off?
Peter
It was the easiest way to let her know the news was ridiculous. [Collapses]
Mom, I need a check for the school field trip.
Jeez, Meg, didn't I just take you on a field trip?
[Cutaway to Peter taking Meg to a "field trip" by walking her to a field, who has the Blindfold on.]
Peter
[takes off the Blindfold] Ok, here's a field. Goodbye forever! [Gets into the car and attempts to drive off without her only to end up driving RIGHT into the tree.] AAAHHH!!! MEG! I'M INJURED! PLEASE HELP ME! I SMELL GAS! [Car explodes and bursts into flames.] MEG, I'M STILL ALIVE, BUT I'M BADLY BURNED! COME SAVE MY LIFE AND NURSE ME BACK TO HEALTH! OH, GOD, WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPENED TO GOOD PEOPLE!?
Peter
Remember how everyone liked that video of the monkey performing a sex act on that frog at the zoo?
Peter
What?
The frog in the miniskirt putting a quarter in the jukebox.
[A female frog in a blonde wig and crop top puts a quarter in the jukebox and starts dancing seductively to Bon Jovi's You Give Love A Bad Name while a group of male monkeys looks on]
Peter
[filming on his phone] Bingo.
[with a worried expression] I'm concerned that frog's in more danger than she realizes.
[Peter takes Lois golfing]
So...so what do I do? Just aim for the pond?
Peter
No, you're not supposed to hit it into the water.
But you hit it into the water.
Peter
[exasperated] I know I hit it into the water.
But why do they even have water if you're not supposed to hit it there?
Peter
[enraged] BECAUSE IT'S FUN! WE'RE HAVING FUN! [growling in frustration, he furiously throws his bag of clubs]
Look! It went further than your ball!
Peter, be careful up there.
[Peter flips Joe the bird]
Peter
Is this being careful enough, Joe?
TATV Announcer
We now return to yet another Indiana Jones movie.
IJIndiana Jones
Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
SSnake
Elderly potheads. Why did it have to be elderly potheads?
Is everyone warm in here? Is it warm?
Brian, are you feeling all right?
Yeah, I'm fine. It just seems kind of... (retching loudly)
Peter
Oh, Lois, your dog threw up.
Meg, Brian's not feeling well. You got to take him to the vet.
Unbelievable! Brian throws up once, and you rush him to the vet. I was throwing up all night last night.
Peter
Good start. Keep it up, snack pack.
(chuckles) (retching loudly)
Peter, you got to take him now!
Help, it's probably just something I ate. I'm fine. Really. I got more energy than a cruise ship conga line.
[While Peter and Brian are watching TV.]
Peter
It's nice to watch TV, while nothing else to do, isn't it?
Peter
[angrily tackles Brian off the couch] Get over here, ya idiot!
Peter
[while opening the anal pill container] I'm still in charge of you! I'm a human!
Stop it! Get away from me!
Peter
This is for your benefit, so just go limp and take it! [spills anal pills on the floor]
You touch my ass, I swear to God, I'll kill ya!
[Peter angrily shoves anal pill up Brian's butt, Brian screams and furiously bites Peter in his arm.]
Peter
[screams, looks at his bloody bite mark in tears] Wha- What the hell? You... You bit me!
[enraged] You're damn right I did! And I'll do it again, if you don't stay the hell away from my ass!
Peter
But, Brian, the vet said...
[Brian growls, scares Peter away.]
Wow, where did that come from? God, that was so intense. I feel more powerful than a lesbian's crotch.
(during the "I Feel" exercise, where couples open up about how they feel by starting their sentences with "I feel...")
DDonna
I feel... unappreciated. Like you don't want to spend time with me.
Peter
Okay, I feel a numbness radiating from my left arm.
DDonna
I feel like you should help out more around the house.
I feel salty and sweet. (to the counselor): You got white-chocolate French fries?
KKimi
I feel like my cervix hurts.
Quagmire (smiles): I feel pride.
CCounselor
Peter, when is Lois' birthday?
Peter
Uh, let's see. When is Hitler's birthday?
Peter
Wow. Okay, Noel. Yikes.
CCounselor
Joe, what is Bonnie's favorite food?
Well, she must like ground glass because I keep finding it in my food.
CCounselor
Quagmire, what color are Kimi's eyes?
Shaved. S-sorry, what is it? What was the question?
I don't know. L...Let's just keep it new for a few weeks.
Peter
A few weeks?! Come on, you know I'm terrible at waiting for things.
[Cut to Peter watching TV]
MOMan on TV
We'll be right back with more Laverne & Shirley.
Peter
But I want it NOW!
Oh, my God! Peter, come look at the newspaper! "Jan Itter dead".
Peter
[gasps] What?! No!
Right here, my college roommate, Jan Itter. She passed away yesterday.
Peter
A-are we seriously doing this? Because I didn't get like, any sleep last night.
What are you freaking out about? You didn't even know her.
Peter
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right. [leaves the kitchen]
You and the guys killed and buried a man?!
Peter
Aah! I knew you would find out!
Find out about what? I just got David Sedaris's new book: "You and the Guys Killed and Buried a Man".
Peter
Okay, I am seriously on edge, and this thing we're doing, I'm not happy about it, and that's a very odd title for a humorist book!
Peter, you're acting weird. Just go to the other room.
Peter
I don't wanna go to the other room! I wanna stay here and see what you're seeing 'cause you're saying things that are different than what they are!
Peter, you're gonna have a heart attack. I won't say anything else. I'll let you relax.
[Brian and Chris return from biking]
Apologies for being so tardy.
Peter
Ah, Brian, you're not tardy. We tested you twice.
Peter
I'm telling you guys, it's gonna be a disaster! Just like the alternate ending of Back To The Future.
[Cut to the alternate ending of Back To The Future where Marty looks at his family photo seeing his parents and himself vanish off of it.]
MMarty
Well, if I'm gonna disappear into nothing, I might as well bang my mom. Hey, Lorraine! Wait up! [runs after her and drops the photo]
[The empty photo that Marty dropped lands onto the ground. Cut to it as we see a really deformed and inbred Marty appear on the picture. Thus everything resets and starts again in a never ending loop of inbred pain and misery.]
IMInbred Marty
Hi! My name's Marty! I'm in a picture!
[We cut to the "To Be Continued" logo, but it instead says "To Be Contondered".]
IMInbred Marty
To be contondered!
Family Guy · 775 quotes
