[Drake and Megan are at The Premiere]
MeganAlright, Drake. What's bugging you?
Nothing. [Megan leans back] Josh blew me out to go virtual snowboarding with stupid Drew.
Megan
Ooh, somebody's jealous.
Megan
Look, Drake. Josh found a new friend. There's nothing wrong with that. If it bugs you so much, then go find your own friend to hang out with.
You know, yeah, yeah, you're right. I don't need Josh, I'll just go find another friend to hang out with.
Megan
You should.
I will. [silence] So, 9 1/2?
Megan
I'm outta here. [she leaves the table]
[as he arrives home] Sorry I'm late, guys.
I was just hanging out with a new friend of mine. Actually, I invited him over for dinner And to watch "Canadian Idol" with us. Is that cool?
Sure. Megan, will you go tell Josh and Drew that dinner's ready?
Megan
Sure. [talks using the speaker] Josh and Drew, please report for dinner. Josh and Drew, please report for dinner. Please report for dinner. Josh and Drew, please report for dinner.
Where does she get this stuff?
Megan
[to Drake] None of your business.
[Drake is home from school after being suspended by Mrs. Hayfer]
Megan
Did you do it?
Megan
Why did you do it?
Megan
How did you do it?
I told you, I didn't do it! I swore on Mom's grave!
[Audrey and Walter come inside Drake and Josh's room]
Excuse me, still alive here.
Sorry, it's an expression.
Megan': Are you gonna yell at Drake?
Megan
Fine. If he cries, and I miss it, I'm just gonna have to make him cry again.
So, we just got off the phone with your principal.
Look, I promise you guys. I did not put her car in that classroom. You don't believe me.
Well, you have been known to 'act out'.
You drove the lawnmower into the living room.
You filled our swimming pool with lobsters.
Should I mention the stink bomb at my sister's wedding?
Oh, come on, even you hate your sister.
Look Drake, it doesn't matter what we believe. Your school has rules.
A suspension means that you can't go on your class ski trip, you can't compete in the talent show.
This is so unfair! I can't believe that Mrs. Hayfer can just decide I'm guilty.
[comes in the room] She can't!
According to my pocket-sized school handbook. Any accused student can appeal his case before the honor council.
It's like a trial and a jury of students decides whether you're innocent or guilty.
How were you going to make money with lobsters?
Focus Walter. Alright Josh, I want to do this how do I go before the honor closet?
Well first, it's called the honor council. And second I've already submitted your case.
Oh really. That's awesome.
We go to trial in 2 days.
And I'm gonna defend you.
[Drake and Josh hop up from behind the couch and sit on either side of Megan, smiling smugly.]
Megan
What?
[singing] We're gonna be the boss of you
[singing] And you have to do-oo what we say
Megan
Okay, you, can't sing. You're a moron. And what are you talking about anyway?
We're talking about the fact that Mom and Dad are gonna be out of town all weekend.
Which means we are in charge of the house.
Megan
Oh, you guys think you're going to be in charge?
In fact, I've decided to change the channel. [changes the channel on TV]
Megan
I was watching something.
Yeah, good one. [he and Josh fist pump]
Megan
[stands up] GIVE ME THE REMOTE.
[stands up] I don't think so, Megan. In fact, why don't you just run up to your- [Megan flips him over]
[stands up] What the? Megan, you can't just flip someone- [Megan flips him and sits on the couch with the remote]
[Josh turns off the radio and honks at everyone]
NNikki
Hey, what's going on?
CGCollege Guy
Turn the music back up!
Okay, we have an emergency!
Ah, yes, it seems we have a serious gas leak here in the Drake and Josh Inn!
CGCollege Guy
Oh, uh, sorry, I think that was me.
No! Alright, there is a serious leak of hydro... mono... monoxipuff gas!
Uh, yeah, it makes your eyes bleed!
So if everyone will please leave the building immediately-
NNikki
Yeah! Come on, let's party!
[everyone starts dancing again]
[to Megan, through a walkie talkie] Now!
Megan
[in Drake and Josh's room] Copy! [turns on a gas machine linked to the vent in Drake and Josh's room as green gas begins emanating from the vent in the living room to kick out all of the spring breakers before Audrey and Walter come home]
Oh, no! Look! [points to the vent]
[everyone starts screaming and leaves the house when Megan pranks them]
Now, lock it! Now, hug me, brother! [he and Drake hug each other after everyone leaves the house]
[cops arrive after hearing about how the Nicholas-Parkers' house was having a party with college kids on TV]
Yes, officers, can we help you?
CCop
Yes. Sir, do you know it's against the law to host a televised event from a private residence without a city-authorized permit?
We didn't host a televised event.
CCop
Yeah, we have evidence that says you did.
CCop
Come with us, please. [they grab Walter and Audrey]
But, you see, look- I'm a weatherman. [cop shuts the door]
Megan
Hello? [finds out that Audrey and Walter left as the episode ends]
[the family is having dinner]
YYonka
Mmmm! Please. This food is most excellent.
You know, Josh has always been a wonderful cook. In the 5th grade, he won 1st prize for his brownie recipe. What'd you call that son? Fudgie boos?
Oh, dad, please stop talking.
No, no, no, that wasn't. It. It was frosty poos.
Right. So I'm gonna get more meat.
YYeesta
So, Drake, you have not, told me how you plan to support my daughter.
Well, my hope is to, become a famous musician and singer.
YYonka
You must get a real job.
Yeah. My grades are very important to me.
Megan
Yeah, do you know how hard he works to maintain his "D" average?
YYonka
I say school not so Important. I not go to school, yet I become billionaire by age.
A B-Billionaire? Like with a "B"?
Why you didn't tell me. Your family had a billion dollars? That's worth mentioning... My sweet, sweet wife.
Oh, money... Yooka! Ohhh, Yooka.
YYonka
Josh, this meat is magnificent. We don't have beef like this in our homeland.
YYeesta
Oh? Then what is this meat?
YYeesta
You serve us goatballs?!
YYooka
Josh, how you could do this?!
Well, it was Drake's idea. In fact, he cooked this entire meal.
Be quiet, Josh. They have a billion dollars.
YYooka
Drake! You know that goat is sacred in my country!
Yes, Yes! I know! I would never serve goat to my wonderful Yudonian family with so much money!
[Yonka ends the marriage right away as Yooka's family leaves Drake and Josh's home, much to Drake's horror]
YYonka
Family, we go. Now!
Wait, Wait! Don't go! I love you all so much!
YYeesta
[angrily] BOOSHA!
YYonka
[angrily] THIS MARRIAGE IS NO MORE! [rips up Drake and Yooka's certificate]
Yooka! Yooka, wait! Don't go! What about the love we share?! I'm sorry about the glokmah! Wait. Can't I just have a few million dollars? Please? [Yooka and her family leave] Boosha!
[Josh has a dream as he imagines what will happen to Helen if she got killed. All theater workers wear black vests.]
PPriest
Today, we come to lay to rest Helen Ophelia Dubois, or you might know her as Georgia, the spunky kid sister in the hit show "Happy Times".
[Everyone murmurs about Helen's show, Happy Times]
[mimicking Georgia] That is not my job!
PPriest
But sadly, these are not happy times, because Helen was abandoned in her time of need. Abandoned by that man! Josh Nichols! How could you, Josh?!
[Everyone leaves while saying "It's all your fault" to Josh]
[as Josh's dream ends, his phone rings]
[answers the phone revealing it's Megan] Hello?
Megan
Josh, did you lose something?
Megan
I found your boss at the park talking to a bush. So I brought her home.
Megan
Yeah. Listen.
[at Drake and Josh's house] One cup that holds soda and popcorn and candy! [laughs] That's revolutionary!
Megan
Hear that?
Just don't let her go anywhere. Alright, I'm coming to get her! [hangs up and leaves]
GGavin
[picks up his pillow] Gonna take a nap on the roof. [leaves]
Megan
[grabs her drink and sees a bug on the wall] Mom, there's a bug on the wall.
[gets up but refuses to kill it after Drake injured his foot] Go kill the bug.
I don't want to kill the bug.
Josh, she asked you to do it. [Josh gets an orange and throws it at the bug but he misses] GET UP AND GO SQUISH THAT BUG!
[worried] Okay. [he gets up and walks with a cane as he tries to kill the bug]
Okay, what up with the cane?
[mumbles] I use it to kill bugs and whatnot? [kills the bug with a cane] See? [falls down to the floor when he feels his foot accident]
[gets up] JOSH! [he and Audrey walk up to him after he falls to the floor] What's the matter with you?
I don't know! This house is tilted!
Megan
No! Josh crushed his foot and he refuses to go to the hospital.
Let's get his shoe off. [he and Audrey take him to sit on a chair]
Look, d-don't even worry about it, alright. [Walter takes off his shoe] I'm-I'm sure it's-it's fine, it doesn't really even hurt any- [he, Walter, Audrey, and Megan react at his badly injured left foot after he dropped a barbell on it by Drake, much to his horror, as his foot is now a purplish-black and red mess] MORE!!!
Megan
Cool!
Looks like mom's meatloaf! [his parents stare at him] Which tastes so good.
He dropped a barbell on it.
Yeah, after you shot me with a potato.
[curious] Why didn't you tell us about this?
[worried] 'Cause I'm afraid of hospitals, alright?
Do you know how serious this could be?
[after discovering Josh's foot] You could lose that foot!
[whining] But I love this foot!
Come on, we need to get him to the hospital right now.
[as Drake leaves, Audrey and Walter help Josh to get to the hospital]
Megan
If they have to remove his foot, can I have it?
[the family are at the hospital with Josh sitting in a wheelchair]
They have to develop the x-rays.
Just be patient. Get it? "Patient"? [laughs] Oh, why do I try?
Seriously, Josh, I don't know why you're so freaked out by hospitals.
[three Paramedics wheel in a seriously injured patient on a gurney while a nurse follows them]
PParamedic
Hurry hurry! Somethings gone wrong! Oh, code red! Code red!
NNurse
What's wrong with him?!
I'm outta here! [he tries to wheel away on his wheelchair, but Walter grabs the handles and pushes him back, and he crosses his arms in frustration for failing to escaping]
Look, here comes Drake with your frozen yogurt.
Uh, good. Uh, did they have French vanilla?
[tries to eat the frozen yogurt but notices the cup is empty] It's empty.
[gives the empty cup to Drake] Headaches!
LDr. Lindy
Hi. Sorry to keep you all waiting.
LDr. Lindy
Well, not so good.
Megan
Are you going to have to cut off his foot?
LDr. Lindy
No, it's not that serious. But his foot will require a bit of surgery.
See ya! [he tries to wheel away again on his wheelchair, but Walter grabs the handles and pushes him back, and he crosses his arms in frustration again for escaping]
Stop that. [to Dr. Lindy] So he really needs surgery?
LDr. Lindy
Yes. If he wants to have complete mobility of his left foot, we will have to operate.
Will you be doing the procedure?
LDr. Lindy
No, we'll get him a foot specialist.
And when does the surgery take place?
LDr. Lindy
A few hours. [Josh squeals] I'll have a nurse check him into a room.
Oh, they're gonna carve me up like a Christmas ham!
Relax, she said it wasn't serious.
You'll be fine. Now listen, your father is gonna stay here with you while I take Megan home.
Uh, actually, Dad, could you run home and pick me up like a couple magazines and my laptop? Y'know Cause I'm gonn be waiting around for a while.
Megan, don't you want to say something to your brother before you go?
Megan
I hope you don't die.
[unnerved] Love you, too. [to Drake] Man, I'm scared.
Don't be scared, man. Look, I'm gonna stay right here with you, okay? You got nothing to worry about.
[Megan is in Drake and Josh's room fixing the thermostat]
Megan
Yes, mommy?
[voiceover] Where are you?
Megan
Um. Hang on. I'm in Drake and Josh's room.
There you are. Don't you want dinner? I ordered Chinese.
Megan
Oh, cool. Sure.
Uh, what are you doing in the boys' room?
Megan
Oh, I just wanted to clean up a little, make sure everything's nice for Josh when he gets home from the hospital.
You know, I don't think Josh has any idea how lucky he is to have a little sister like you.
Megan
It's ok. His happiness is my reward.
[as Audrey leaves Drake and Josh's room, Megan continues fixing the thermostat]
[at the end, Drake and Josh arrive home from the hospital and discover that their room has turned cold by Megan]
I cannot believe you jumped out that window.
I can't believe I broke my arm.
Yeah, but at least you don't have to worry about. [starts feeling cold] Uhh! Ok. Is it like really cold in here?
It must be like 30 degrees.
Megan
[comes in Drake and Josh's room] 31 Degrees and dropping.
Alright, Megan. What'd you do?
Megan
I just modified the air conditioning in your room. You guys did say you like it cold, right?
So if you thought this was gonna upset us, too bad!
Megan
Good. Enjoy the weather. Boobs. [leaves Drake and Josh's room]
Well, it looks like we foiled her little plan.
Yeah, so she made the room a little cold. Like we care.
[while Drake and Josh are watching TV, they begin to feel snow in their room as snow falls from the ceiling as the episode ends]
[Flashback #3: in Lenny's real recollection]
[narrating] The Padres were playing against the Giants, and I was selling foam fingers, it was late in the afternoon, these 2 boys get in line at the concession stand...
Okay, Drake, here's some money, you get yourself a souvenir.
[smiling] Megan! Are you hungry?
Yes. You can have a cookie.
TMToddler Megan
I am hungry.
[walks up to Young Drake] Hey.
I'm gonna buy a foam finger.
[Two little girls walk up behind the boys]
LGLittle Girl
Hi, is it okay if we cut in front of you?
You know, my dad's a weatherman.
[Young Josh looks surprised]
LGLittle Girl
Thanks. Bye. [she and the other little girl leave]
Okay, it looks like you got the last one.
[upset] Aw, that's the last foam finger?
Daddy! [Toddler Megan throws the cookie at Young Josh's head in slow motion] Aaah! [angrily turns to Young Drake] You thumped me!
[truthfully] No, I didn't.
[Young Josh tackles Young Drake for the last foam finger, and they began to fight]
[They continue fighting until the cops show up as Lenny's recollection ends, back to present day]
[realizing] So...it was Megan who started the fight.
That's right. She threw the cookie.
Megan
[surprised] Wow. I was even cool then!
[Drake and Lucy continue their wrestling match downstairs, ruining Josh and Mindy's dinner as Megan and the kids cheer]
[incredibly furious after making Drake stop fighting by picking him up] IT'S A DRAW!
CMr. Crenshaw
Josh, who are these people?
Uh, this is my brother Drake. Drake, this is-
CMrs. Crenshaw
He's your brother?
CMr. Crenshaw
I knew it! I knew these were not the kind of people our daughter should be associating with. Mindy, we're going!
[incredibly furious at Drake] You see what you do? 1 night. 1 night, I ask you to help me and you ruin it!
[still incredibly furious] Look, I-I told you how important this was to me. I told you that this was my last chance to impress Mindy's parents. I-I spent like 2 days working on this dinner and I spent like 300 bucks on a dumb harpist, who at this point, SHOULD STOP PLAYING! [the harpist stops playing] And I don't even care what you think of Mindy, alright? Because she is the best thing that ever happened to me and I can't date her anymore because you wrecked it! Alright, y-y-you you wrecked my dinner, you wrecked my $100 ice sculpture, and you wrecked my relationship!
[confused] Y-You spent $100 on ice?
[Josh attacks him and begins to fight with him]
[breaks up the brothers from fighting] Stop!
CMr. Crenshaw
Listen, Josh. I think...that you and Mindy should continue dating.
[also surprised] Why'd you changed your mind?
CMrs. Crenshaw
Because any young man who cares that much about our Mindy. I think you understand.
[relieved] Thank you so much, Mr. & Mrs. Crenshaw.
CMr. Crenshaw
Just one thing.
CMr. Crenshaw
[to Drake and Lucy] What were you two fighting about?
Oh, see, I challenged him to a wrestling match because he didn't believe that I was tougher than him.
CMr. Crenshaw
Well, of course you're not. [chuckles]
CMr. Crenshaw
Physically, boys are genetically superior to girls.
CMrs. Crenshaw
Oh, Paul, you sound like an idiot.
CMrs. Crenshaw
You know, fighting has to do with skill, not male-vs-female genetics.
CMr. Crenshaw
Oh, don't be absurd. Men are tougher than women.
CMrs. Crenshaw
Oh, I have stakes tougher than you.
Megan
Well, I guess there's only one way to settle this.
[Mindy's parents get into a fight as the episode ends]
[Drake and Josh find a sheep in the garage in the middle of the night]
Megan
[comes in the garage] Why are you guys in the garage? Did you hurt my sheep?
Megan
Yes, he's mine. Are you okay, Baaahhb?
Megan
No, he's a sheep, his name is Baaahhb!
It's not Bob, it's Baaahhb.
[stares at Drake] Yes, I get it. [to Megan] Here's a crazy question, where'd you get a sheep?
Megan
I bought him on the internet.
[sarcastically] Oh, excuse me for not being familiar with the sheepstore.com.
I thought mom and dad said you can't have a pet.
Megan
No, they said I couldn't have a cat. They said nothing about a sheep.
Well, when mom and dad find Baaahhb, you're going to be in some big time trouble, little girl.
Megan
No, they're not gonna find it because you two are gonna hide him in your room.
And what makes you think we're gonna do that?
Megan
Well, if you two hide him, just till I figure out a way to explain to mom and dad.
Megan
I promise not to pull any pranks on you for 3 months.
[Drake and Josh both gasp]
Megan
Swear.
A world where Megan doesn't do bad things to us.
[Drake and Josh both have a daydream set at a garden where Megan happily throws flowers at them and they dance together; back to reality]
DJDrake and Josh
We'll do it. [suddenly let go of their hands in disgust]
Megan
Excellent.
Megan
That's all I need. Now you take Baaahhb up to your room and make him comfortable. [she gives her pet sheep to Drake and Josh] And uh, be sure he has plenty of water. Night! [leaves the garage]
Alright, we should take Bob up to our-
[Josh sprays Drake's face to make him hush]
Drake & Josh · 289 quotes
