Daria Morgendorffer quotes from Daria

Jake

[angrily] We want to see your belly button, young lady, and we want to see it now!

Daria

What are you talking about?

Helen

Out with it!

Daria

[shows her navel] Do you have a problem with innies?

Helen

Quinn, what's the matter with you?

Jake

Your sister's not pierced. Why would you scare us like that?

Quinn

But... but it was there yesterday!

Daria

Trying to brighten your ho-hum life with a little illusion? [yawns] Boy, I'm tired. Night, everybody. [heads upstairs]

Quinn

She was pierced... pierced, I tell you! Oh, the humanity...

Daria

Shouldn't we comfort her or something?

Jake

[laughs] Oh, let her go.

Helen

She'll get over it.

Daria

We should at least tell her about that eight-lane highway they built outside the house during the night.

Jake

Hmm... you may be right.

Helen

That can't be good.

Quinn

Ow! God!

Mom... you know I'm not ready for kids. The whole idea makes me uneasy and I'm not sure why.

Give me that!

No, it's mine!

Mommy!

Oh, yeah. Now I remember.

Hi. [to her kids] You know where Grandma's TV is. Go watch something educational. [kids scamper into living room] Boy, I'm exhausted.

Breast implants for chickens-

Not that!

Daria

My parents are probably starting to worry.

Jane

I know mine would be, if they were in town.

Daria

What about Trent? I'll bet he's upset.

Jane

I'll bet he's snoring.

Hello?

Daria

Aunt Amy?

Hey, my favorite niece.

Daria

Oh!

Who is this?

Daria

Um, it's...

I'm joking, Daria. How are you? Your mother hasn't had a stroke, has she?

Daria

Well, I haven't checked her in the last half hour. How was Hawaii?

Wish I were still there. What can I do for you?

Daria

Um, I wanted to ask your advice about something. I'm thinking of getting contact lenses.

Uh-huh. Sounds good.

Daria

It does?

Why not?

Daria

Well, isn't it kind of... vain?

Do you have mirrors in your house, Daria?

Daria

Yeah.

Do you look in them before you go out?

Daria

Yeah.

Well then, you're already going to hell, so you might as well get the lenses. You'll see the brimstone better.

Daria

What do you mean?

I mean, having contacts is no more vain than primping in the mirror. It just gives you different options about the way you look. It wouldn't change your personality, it wouldn't change your values, and it would set your parents back a couple hundred bucks. So, I don't see any downside at all.

Daria

Thanks, Aunt Amy.

I'd love to see how it turns out. Send me a picture, okay?

Daria

You want a picture of me with my contacts?

Either that or a shot of Ralph Fiennes. Whichever.

Jane

So now what, eagle eye?

Daria

Well, I can't wear my contacts until I see the doctor again, that's for sure. And if I bang into anyone else at school I'll be arrested for assault. So I guess it's back to the glasses tomorrow.

Jane

Or we go downtown and apply for a seeing eye dog.

Daria

I tell you the truth, this whole thing's got me very confused. I want my glasses back.

Jane

Are you still hung up on that vanity thing?

Daria

That's not it. Everyone already knows I'm vain.

Jane

Oh, yeah, you're one huge narcissist. So if not that, then what?

Daria

This is kind of hard to explain. It's like, I know my glasses set me apart. When I look in the mirror without them I can't see a thing. But when I put them on and look in the mirror again, I think...

Jane

Yeah?

Daria

I think to myself, 'Never mind glasses. You can see things that other people can't. You can see better than other people. So to hell with them and what they think of you and your glasses.'

Jane

You're not talking about eyesight anymore, are you?

Daria

No.

Jane

And you like that Daria better than the Daria who cares about her looks.

Daria

Um, yeah.

Jane

I don't blame you. Why settle for vanity when you can have pure egotism? You're a twisted little cruller, ain't you?

Daria

Yeah.

Jane

That's why I'm proud to be your friend.

"As his fingers trailed sensuously down the nape of her neck to her... bow-dice... she tingled uncontrollably with the knowledge that tonight Jean Perrier would taste the fruit of the garden from which no man had ere picked produce before." Oh!

What a pretty voice she has. Do you think?

Oh, yes. She sounds just like Frances did when she was younger.

I always did have a lovely voice.

Thanks!

And I looked just like you, dearie.

Eep!

Kevin

Pow! Blam! Kablooey! Cool, this guy just swallowed his own teeth.

Happened to me last Friday. Only they weren't my teeth, if you get my drift.

Kevin

Yeah. No.

Daria, you'll be reading to Mrs. Patterson. I think you two will really hit it off.

What a pretty girl...

Daria

[upbeat] Oh.

... that Brittany is.

Daria

[dejected] Oh.

Are you two friends? No, I don't suppose you would be. Never mind. Let's hear what you brought to read.

Daria

I hope you like poetry.

Oh, yes. My favorite birthday cards are the ones with poems in them.

Daria

"I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness. Starving, hysterical, naked. Dragging themselves through the negro streets of dawn..." [time passes] "... the soul is innocent and immortal. It should never die ungodly, in an armed madhouse--"

Mrs. Patterson, can I get you something?

Get me my walker. And then hit her with it!

Daria, this is my stepmom, Ashley-Amber. Do you recognize her?

Daria

I think so, but it's so hard to remember your childhood nightmares clearly.

She was the poster model for St. Peter Girl beer.

[from memory] "I'll cure what 'ales' you." [giggles]

Ooh, isn't she great?

Daria

It's hard to believe she's real.

Come on, I'll introduce you to my dad.

Daria

He's not the Maytag repairman, is he?

I don't think so.

Dad, this is my classmate, Daria.

Hey, Daria. Steve Taylor. Always glad to meet one of Britt's friends. [shakes hands with Daria] You like cosmetics? I'll get you into a focus group. The pay is a joke but there's free lip gloss out the ying yang. Good stuff, too. They try it on cats first. You meet my wife? Boy, was she a knockout when she was young.

My pompoms!

That's my Pebble Beach hat, you little turd! Gerald Ford sold me that hat!

Daria

Hi. How are you?

Daria

Cool thoughts... a river running to the ocean... far from here...

[knocks on the window] So, you'll help us, right?

Daria

Why not? I'm obviously having some kind of nervous breakdown. I'll just ride it out and see where it takes me, Zelda Fitzgerald-style.

Quinn

Daria, something's wrong with Mom and Dad. Daria, who are you talking to?

Daria

Uh...my imaginary friend?

Quinn

[from her room] Okay, I'll come back.

The girl mustn't know about us!

Daria

Right, because you can't be seen by other mortals.

No! It'd be having to talk to the little twit that'd drive us crazy!

You know, you're getting kind of heavy...

Shut up, you bloody...IDIOT!

Quinn

What was that?

Daria

My imaginary friend fell down.

Quinn

God, Daria. Even your imaginary friends are embarrassing.

Jake

You know, Quinn. It's been kind of nice having you around so much lately.

Helen

It has been nice. Very nice.

Quinn

[feels upset] Nice?! It's been the most boring, worst time in my entire life! Go ahead and have your stupid baby! I can't take this anymore!

Jake

You're pregnant?!

Helen

Of course not.

Jake

We can't have another kid, Helen!

Helen

Well, I'm not pregnant. And that's not a very nice thing to say, by the way.

Daria

[comes in] Hey, what's going on?

Quinn

[angrily] Absolutely nothing, and I am sick of it! I can't continue to live my life like some kind of monk in a nunnery! [leaves angrily]

Daria

Actually...

Jake

Well, don't blame me!

Helen

Oh, oh, and you want to blame me!

Jake

Get off my back, Helen! Leave me the hell alone!

Daria

God bless us, everyone

Daria

Let's do the math one more time. Your dance decorations were a huge hit.

Jane

Plus.

Daria

But my sister managed to take complete credit for them.

Jane

Minus.

Daria

We hung out with a couple of guys who weren't so bad.

Jane

Plus.

Daria

But they turned out to be carriers of the dreaded Ruttheimer gene.

Jane

Big minus.

Daria

So, we're more or less even on the night.

Jane

Darn. And it came so close to turning out semi-decent.

[pounds on door] Come on, you little punk, open up! Open this door, you little brat!

Tiffany

Oh, my God, let us in! Hello?

Plus!

So I said, "This is Val talking, not just some ordinary teen loser from Loserville."

Daria

Mmm.

Anyway, I am through with famous guys. I'm sticking with fashion designers and studio heads, at least for the time being.

Daria

Mmm.

Waterproof eye makeup is so important, Dar. And glitter -- I'm really into glitter these days. It makes everyone feel like a star. Are you getting this, Dar? Why don't you read me back your notes?

Daria

Okay. "What am I doing here? How am I going to get through this? Dear God, help me."

Wow, you are so existential. But didn't you write down anything I said? [phone rings] Hang on. [into phone] You got Val, go. How can I not appeal to their demographic? They are so wack -- I am their demographic. They wouldn't know edgy if it bit them in the butt. Oh, confirm my hair color appointment and facial for tomorrow, would you? And work up a schedule for my girlfriend Dar's visit. Thanks for saving my life, helpmate. [hangs up] I'm zonked. Collaborating is hard, don't you think?

Daria

How would I know?

Sorry about all those phone calls.

Daria

Oh, I just think of it as being a witness to history. Anyway, it isn't everyday your boyfriend dumps you for a starlet.

I was NOT dumped! And I am much more famous than that pathetic, B-list, pseudo celebrity! Not that the suits who control the airwaves would know. Sometimes I feel like the whole adult world is against youth culture.

Daria

Except the adults making a nice fat living off of it.

What do you mean?

Daria

What do YOU mean? What do you mean, pushing yourself as some kind of role-model when all you care about is how you look and what celebrities you know? Aren't teenage girls screwed up enough without you foisting your shallow values on them and making their lousy self images even worse?

Now look here, missy. I mean, what are you, Dar, a teacher? I am a role model! I'm in touch with the teen within.

Daria

Why don't you get in touch with the 30-something without? Your readers aren't going to be teenagers forever, unlike you. A real role model would be teaching them stuff they can use.

30-something?! You know, I came here to do an article on a smart girl who's cool, because smart is cool. But cool is cool, too, and smart that doesn't get cool isn't so smart, is it? You can forget about New York, Daria. You know, deep down you're nothing but a... a...

Daria

A brain?

You almost made me say it! [leaves, then sticks head back in] I don't really look like I'm 30-something, do I?

Tiffany

You're that girl from Quinn's house.

Daria

Are you getting counseling, too?

Tiffany

[trance-like] I'm the counselor. It's volunteer work... to help the socially... challenged.

Daria

You're going to counsel me? Of course. It's some kind of cosmic payback for being too ironic. Okay. Is this going to take long?

Tiffany

[begins reading very slowly] "You... too... can learn to... make..."

Daria

Yes?

Tiffany

"... friends. Making... friends..."

Daria

Why don't I read that to myself? That way, we can both be out of here before we graduate.

Tiffany

"Making friends... is..."

Daria

[taps foot impatiently] Fun? Interesting? Impossible?

Tiffany

"... important. Friends can be... very..."

Daria

Useful? Supportive? Purple? What?!

Tiffany

You made me lose my place. [grunts softly in frustration] Let's see... "Making friends... is... important..."

Helen

[into phone] Well, actually, Eric, would you mind if we wrapped this up tomorrow? Oh, no, that's okay, no, fine. It's just that my family was just... no. Yes, sure, of course. Not at all. Anytime -- never!

Jake

Nothing like Taco Tuesday, eh, girls?

Daria

If I recall correctly, Taco Thursday was pretty similar.

Quinn

I was on the radio today. Bing and the Spatula Man invited the Fashion Club to critique the outfits of some less stylish students.

Daria

Marconi would be so proud.

Quinn

That Spatula Man is funny!

Daria

As are most men named for kitchen utensils.

Jake

Helen, you're going to miss out on all the guacamole! [taunting] Mom's going to miss the guacamole, Mom's going to miss the guacamole...

Helen

Enough with the guacamole! [into phone] No, not you, Eric!

Quinn

I think Bing has a crush on me. Daddy! You're using all the cheese!

Jake

[starts blushing and sweating] "What did the doctor tell you about cheese, Jake? What did the doctor tell you about cheese, Jake?" Why can't a man come home from a hard day's work and enjoy a lousy taco without it turning into...hey, you know, it's the darndest thing! I can't feel my arm! [starts wheezing]

Daria

Dad?

Jake

Blurk! [passes out in the guacamole]

Quinn

Daddy?

Jake

[picks his head up from the bowl] Mom's...gonna miss...the guacamole... [passes out again]

Helen

[turns around, drops phone] Jakey!

Jake

[shrieks] The bats of death! They've come for me!

Daria

Don't worry, Dad. It's just the bats of bad TV.

Helen

Oh, Jakey! I promise, the girls and I will take good care of you from now on.

Jake

What's the catch?

Helen

There's no catch, Jake. That's just your medication talking.

Daria

Assuming he's on any medication.

Helen

This book will tell us what we need to do now that we have a heart attack survivor in the family.

Quinn

And guess what, Daddy? I'm going to study to be a doctor!

Jake

Hey, that's great.

Daria

Dr. Quinn, medicine moron.

Quinn

A heart doctor. If Dad died I would've been freaked out for, like, years.

Jake

That's the spirit, sweetie. Avenge my death.

Daria

You're not dying, dad.

Jake

Avenge me!

Helen

Jake, you're going to give yourself a... never mind. Honey, is there anything we can get for you?

Jake

Yipe! [EKG machine beeps] I want my mommy.