[Jake takes the girls to school]
Girls, I just want you to know your mother and I realize it's not easy moving to a whole new town -- especially for you, Daria, right?
[laughs] I'm just saying you don't make friends as easily as... uh, some people.
[After seeing Quinn turning up the radio] Quinn for instance?
That's not what I meant. Not necessary. [Turns radio off] The point is, the first day at a new school is bound to be difficult...
[turns radio on and shouts] Speak up, Dad! Can't hear you!
Uh, where was I? [turns off radio] Oh, yeah...
[in Mrs. Manson's office]
MMrs. Manson
Now, Quinn... what do you see here? [holds up a photo]
It's a picture of two people talking.
MMrs. Manson
That's right. Can you make up a little story about what it is they're discussing?
I'm not even supposed to be taking this test. I'm exempt.
MMrs. Manson
You won't be graded.
Oh. Okay, then. Let's see... they've been going out for awhile, and he's upset because other people keep asking her out, and she saying she can't help it if she's attractive and popular, and besides, nobody ever said they were going steady, and if he does want to go steady he's got to do a lot better than movie, burger, back seat, movie, burger, back seat, because there are plenty of guys with bigger back seats waiting to take her someplace nice!
MMrs. Manson
Very good, Quinn! Now, Dora, let's see if you can make up a story as vivid as your sister's.
MMrs. Manson
I'm sorry... Daria. What do you see in the picture, Dora?
Um... a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains.
MMrs. Manson
Uh, there aren't any ponies. It's two people.
Last time I took one of these tests they told me they were clouds. They said they could be whatever I wanted.
MMrs. Manson
That's a different test, dear. In this test, they're people and you tell me what they're discussing.
Oh... I see. All right, then. It's a guy and a girl and they're discussing... a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains.
These are really good. I didn't know you study life drawings.
[viewing one of Jane's sketches]: You're really bursting out of the picture frame here.
Oh, yeah...that particular model was quite bursty. I think she had her bursts done.
Speaking of which, Brittany invited me to her party.
No kidding, are you going?
Sure and after that I think I'll swallow glass. What? Do you wanna go?
Oh no I much rather stay home and listen to my brother practice the opening to Come As You Are. I bet I could get some great sketches there.
Well I'm sure there'll be plenty of people posing. If you wanna go just make believe that you're me. When you're popular, all unpopular people who look alike anyway.
[Takes Daria's glasses and pretends to be her] Hi, I'm Daria. Go to hell. [Takes off Daria's glasses] It won't work my face is too expressive.
[Jane walks up to Daria with a sock on her shoulder]
So, what happened to Bobby Big-head?
I wasn't really interested.
Too bad. [holds up sock] Is this yours?
Okay, fine. He thought my head was a lollipop. Ready to go?
I was ready to go before we got here.
One more time: I am not taking a college prep course! Actually, I may just skip college and stay home. It'll save me the trouble of moving back in later.
[Jake swerves into traffic in response, barely avoiding another car before straightening out]
Watch the road! Daria, if you don't get into a decent school your life will be ruined. End of discussion.
Way to go, Mom! She can't get her way all the time.
Actually, Quinn, it wouldn't hurt if you took the course too.
Maybe we can sit together!
[Daria's daydream]
PProfessor
Daria, I know it's only the first week of freshmen year, but I wonder if you'd consider transferring to the graduate school.
I'm not really sure I want to be a professional student.
PProfessor
But I don't want you to study. I want you to teach.
PProfessor
Not here, of course. On our Paris campus.
PProfessor
Superb! Now I can use your dorm room to carry on affairs with some of the more beautiful undergraduates. Thank you!
How come even in my fantasies everyone's a jerk?
[daydream ends]
I want to volunteer to work on the coffeehouse.
Fantastic! What made you change your mind?
Did anyone ever make you practice "Pop Goes the Weasel" on the flute every day for a year?
Um, no... but I once had to recite the Gettysburg Address wearing a rainbow wig and panties that said "Tuesday." Whatever made me want to join a fraternity. [laughs] Anyway, that's great! I guess you want to read one of your essays.
No, I wasn't actually thinking about performing.
Maybe that one about feeling like a big misfit whom everybody hates. The other kids will really relate to that. I know I do.
I don't know if that's such a great idea. That's the one that compares the sophomore class to barnyard animals. It names names.
I'm really not much of a performer. I'm thinking more along the lines of fundraising?
Oh. Well, we're selling magazines, CDs, and wrapping paper. Jump in!
Can I go with my friend Jane?
Sure! She wants to help out?
Mmm-hmm. She's a big joiner.
How about, The Bleakness That Lies Ahead?
No Life, No Hope, No Future?
Mommy's Little Hypocrite?
Too much like a children's book.
That sounds promising. Listen, you gotta give them something they'll really appreciate. Picture Kevin and Brittany drinking in your words like an elixir of knowledge. Heady... potent... seductive.
Are you marketing your own fragrance now? [sighs] I'm going to have to write something new for the occasion.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Bennett. I can't go to the mall. I have a skin condition.
BMrs. Bennett
What are you talking about, Daria?
If I'm in an enclosed space for too long, I get hives.
BMrs. Bennett
But you're in an enclosed space now.
Yes... and I'm really itchy?
These hives get bad, Mrs. Bennett, I've seen them. They drip with pus. [class reacts with revulsion and Daria glares at Jane] Just trying to help.
I feel sick. Can someone open a window?
[Jane attempts to open window and fails]
Allow me, fair maiden. [tries to open the window, but fails]
I didn't know you got car sick.
I don't, usually. It's the fumes. It smells like- it smells like-
Brittany must be working up a sweat.
Isn't modeling for people who drop out of high school to pursue a career based solely on youth and looks, both of which are inevitably declared dead at age 25?
Do you have a point, Ms. Morgendorffer?
And don't fashion people squander their lives loudly worshiping all that is superficial and meaningless while the planet keeps riding a roller coaster to hell?
Modeling is a competitive field, yes, but the financial rewards are great. As principal, I'd be cheating our student body if I didn't allow them every opportunity to fulfill their potential.
Excuse me. Can we assume the financial rewards are great for the school as well?
That is really none of your business!
But I don't want to miss a lesson in applied economics. I'm trying to fulfill my potential.
The school is receiving a fee for its cooperation, but every cent is going to capital improvements! We're finally going to get those bulletproof skylights for the swimming pool.
Well, I for one am very excited about this. I can feel myself getting into the modeling spirit.
May I be excused? I'd like to go to the girls' room and vomit up breakfast.
Science is fascinating. Tell me all about it, honey.
I can't. I signed a confidentiality paper. The other scientists would be mad.
[groans] Oh, forget it, Daria. Quinn, how was your day?
It sucked. First my teacher gave my paper on Cleopatra's makeup don'ts an "F" -- like he would know. Then my heel broke. Then, like, the day was almost over and only two guys had asked me out. Luckily, just before...
[pleading] Daria, please tell me about the project.
[sighs] It's about how behavior is affected by positive or negative reinforcement.
Like... say, you have a friend who responds to everything you say with, "That's great!" This insincere reply is the same whether you saved a life or killed a bug, and thus becomes "negative reinforcement," causing you to withdraw from that person or persons.
In conclusion, this mouse, through no fault of my own Brittany, was repeatedly abused by a ten year old boy; as a result the mouse's primary response to everyday stimuli is fear. Similar reactions occur in humans: take the mugging victim beaten with nunchucks in an alleyway, as he or she recalls the attacker's face, his graggly goatee and cheap, dangly earring, she learns to hate and fear all men, regardless of age, race or taste in jewelry.
BMrs. Barch
Don't interrupt, hateful scum! [Smiling] Excellent job, Daria, you get an A.
BMrs. Barch
Not you, you man! You get a D!
GMr. Gupty
Now, Daria, I hope Quinn explained our rules. Were you planning on having a boyfriend in the house? Because, ha, we don't allow that.
No problem. I'm flying solo these days.
GMrs. Gupty
Then I guess it's not an issue.
Unless I pick up somebody on the way over.
[short laugh] She's kidding, Mrs. Gupty. My sister's a big kidder. [scowls] Ha, ha, Daria.
GMr. Gupty
Ha ha! Well, you'll need a sense of humour to tangle with our little devils!
GMr. Gupty
No, seriously, they're great kids. See you Saturday Daria!
Bye. [hangs up] $10 surcharge if I have to spend more than 15 minutes with the parents.
