Daria Morgendorffer quotes from Daria

Quinn

Tense?

Daria

No, there's a lot of stuff going on. You have no idea how complicated driving is.

Quinn

It's not that hard.

Daria

How would you know? [a tractor-trailer whizzed by blowing it's horn at her] Dah! A giant truck!

Quinn

Pull over, Daria.

Daria

I can't believe I'm doing this. I can't believe I'm letting you do this. I can't believe we're doing this. Hey, when did you learn to drive?

Quinn

God, Daria, what do you think people do on dates?

Daria

Aren't you terrified?

Quinn

It's all about attitude. You're too timid, Daria. I could do this all day.

Daria

Actually, I wouldn't mind if...

Quinn

Your turn. [pulls car over]

Daria

But you just started. [sees hitchhiker approaching] No way! We are not picking up some insane, murdering serial killer. How reckless can you get?

Quinn

He's not a killer. I recognize him. It's... Sandi's cousin from Memphis.

Daria

Mom and Dad would crucify us.

Quinn

[sarcastically] Right, but taking the car out for a hundred-mile joyride won't bother them at all. Face it, Daria, you're already accessorizing.

Daria

You mean, I'm an accessory?

Quinn

Whatever. Look, lighten up. You drive and I'll keep him from murdering us.

Howdy! I sure do appreciate this.

Quinn

You're not going to murder us, are you?

Shoot, no.

Quinn

See? All you have to do is ask.

Well, that ornery bull caught sight of my red shirt and that was about it. He must have chased me around that pasture ten times before I could climb over the fence.

Quinn

Wow, Travis, what a great story!

Daria

Yeah. It was just as good as the first time I saw it... on Little House on the Prairie.

Heck, Dareeah, we could go find that bull right now. The pasture's only 20 miles away.

Daria

We have to get to Fremont and bail out the band.

Quinn

Come on, Daria. Stop being timid.

Daria

Stop being reckless.

Band? Hey, what a coincidence! I'm a musician, too.

Daria

Well, bust my legs and call me Shorty.

Quinn

Play us something, Travis.

Do you like country music?

Quinn

It's practically the only music I can listen to.

Daria

Wait, I thought...

Quinn

Shut up, Shorty. Go ahead and play us something, Travis.

Here's a little tune from Mr. Conway Twitty. Hope you like it. [plucks guitar]

Jane

Did we just see a U.F.O.?

Daria

You're getting paranoid. It's probably just an informal get-together of local stalkers. You know, hang out, swap stories, try out each other's skeleton keys.

Jane

But only an idiot would go stalking with a flashlight.

Daria

Come on. This is Lawndale.

Jane

Oh, yeah.

Daria

Let's find someplace we can nap in peace.

Jane

All right. But first, let's gamble all our chips away in one grand, magnificently pointless gesture.

Daria

That's the only kind of gesture I make.

[voiceover] Give away the chips.

Jane

Hey, wouldn't it be ironic if we won?

Number 8.

Daria

So much for irony.

Daria, take my chips.

Daria

Excuse me?

You know, as a thank you for making me want to kill myself a little less than the processed sausages who call themselves your classmates.

Jane

You're not one of those "young people are our greatest hope" guys, are you?

Then you take them, Jane. For being so...

Jane

Yes?

...angular.

Hello, everyone. Hope there aren't any "card sharps" here. [chuckles]

Jane

Hmm. It is tempting. Especially with Mr. O'Neill about to sit down at the poker table.

Daria

I bet he has a good poker face.

Jane

But I'd rather be sleeping. Thanks, anyway.

"Give the chips away..." "Poker face..." Aah! Poker!

Jane

I have a good feeling about this multimedia thing, teammate.

Daria

That's the nastiest name anyone's ever called me.

Jane

If we get anything above a "C" I'll get off academic probation and not have to worry about taking language arts over... and Daria Morgendorffer does not get "Cs."

Daria

Well, I could make an exception.

Jane

Come on! This is going to be fun -- you doing words, me pictures. It's exciting.

Daria

Oh, yeah. Very exciting.

Jane

I know what would make it exciting.

Daria

We do the whole thing while walking over hot coals?

Jane

How about we add a little music to the mix?

Daria

What's so exciting about that?

Jane

What's exciting is the particular musician I have in mind.

Daria

Oh, no.

Jane

Come on, Daria. Trent'll love doing some computer music. It'll satisfy the secret techno dance freak hiding beneath that cool alternative exterior.

Daria

I don't think I want to meet that techno dance freak.

Jane

Sure you do. We'll ask him at the Mystik Spiral gig tonight.

Daria

This dance freak doesn't wear spandex, does he?

Trent

Listen, I got to get to rehearsal. I'm late.

Daria

How do you know? You don't wear a watch.

Trent

I'm always late. That's why I don't wear a watch. They depress me.

Daria

You know, Trent, somehow that makes perfect sense.

Trent

Sorry again about you know... everything.

Daria

That's okay.

Trent

All right then, Daria. [kisses Daria on the cheek and leaves] See you around.

Daria

See ya.

Jodie

Come on, Daria. If you don't like any of those other projects, all we're left with is taking out a small-business loan, renting an apartment, or budgeting a funeral.

Quinn

Um, that's sweet of you, Russell, but we just went out two weeks ago, so I really can't go out with you again for another three weeks. Well, I consider a hospital visit a date. Sorry. Anyway, good luck with the new kidney and all. Bye. [exits living room]

Daria

Is that by any chance a sibling's funeral?

Jodie

Why don't we try the loan? I do want to start my own business after college.

Jake

Come on, Mel, give me another shot. We'll have them lining up to buy methane-powered hot tubs. Hey, how about this catchphrase: "So it smells? So what!" [pause] Come on, Mel, they're going to repossess my parking space! [exits living room]

Daria

Yes, let's start a business. Nothing like being your own boss.

Jodie

What should we call our company?

Daria

"Brink of Bankruptcy, Incorporated"?

Helen

No, no, absolutely not! It's unethical, it's immoral, it may well be illegal. I'll have no part of it. Okay, I'll do it. [exits living room]

Jodie

It's a little busy in here. You want to take a break and get some pizza?

Daria

Can I put it on my Millennium Project Enterprises expense report?

Daria

Yeah? [Helen enters] No, I don't want to talk about it.

Helen

Talk about what?

Daria

Whatever it is you came in to have a heart to heart about.

Helen

I came in to ask you to rinse off your dishes before you put them in the dishwasher. Your father found a cheese fry melted onto his "World's Greatest Dad" cup and he thought it was some kind of rodent. Now he's sworn off coffee.

Daria

Then I should be hearing from the Nobel committee any day now.

Helen

All right, then, I'll leave you to your reading. [starts to leave]

Daria

Don't I seem inordinately unhappy to you?

Helen

I don't want to pry. [sees look on Daria's face] Well... I did overhear your argument with Jodie.

Daria

Do you think I'm a rigid, unrealistic, unforgiving self-righteous jerk who can't hold on to a friend?

Helen

She didn't say anything like that.

Daria

But, do you?

Helen

Daria, you have strong beliefs and you want to live by them. That's not a fault or a character flaw. It's admirable; it's what makes you who you are.

Daria

Jodie didn't think so.

Helen

Jodie is a little more pragmatic than you are. She didn't appreciate being criticized for it.

Daria

I don't blame her.

Helen

And since she's pragmatic, she also knows that the fact that someone's having a bad day doesn't make them a bad person.

Daria

What about someone with a pattern of alienating people with her self-righteous pronouncements?

Helen

People aren't as easily alienated as you think, Daria. Ask Jane. She'll tell you.

Helen

Alright, Daria, name your price.

Daria

Excuse me? My refusal to attend this field trip is based on moral and ethical objections so intrinsic...

Helen

$30.

Daria

$50.

Helen

Done.

Daria

Of course, this $50 merely buys my participation in the field trip. For an additional $20, I could be convinced not to tell Quinn about this arrangement.

Helen

I gave you life, Daria; I can take it away. [leaves]

Daria

[resigned voice] $50 should do it.

Jake

King Tut was buried without his diver. What the hell does that mean?!

Daria

That's liver, Dad.

Jake

Eww...

Jane

I think this could really be it!

Daria

What are you talking about? Just keep walking. We'll find our way.

Jane

I don't know, Daria. This is bad.

Daria

Listen, I'm sorry I gave you all that crap about your boyfriend.

Jane

Well, I'm sorry I embarrassed you all those times in front of my brother. [pause]

Daria

I feel like we should say more.

Jane

I know. That was kind of pathetic.

Daria

Um... I'm sorry my parents didn't stop at one child.

Jane

I'm sorry they added those ugly blue M&M's. [pause] Better?

Daria

I've made my peace.

Then he said his armpits would know only the embrace of his crutches!

Jodie

What does that mean?

I don't know, but it sounds bad! Like Kevvy's armpits have feelings, but not for me, now what do I do with lips so empty, so yearning?

Jodie

Lips? So we're off the armpit thing?

Daria

You know, if you break up Brittany's attempted thought, it looks like a Mystic Spiral song.

Jane

[Reading from Daria's paper] "Armpits have feelings, but not for me. Now what do I do with lips empty?" Eh. Are you sure you don't want to replace lips with skull?

Daria

It's a work in progress.

[Pointing to the crutch she planted following Daria's advice] Look, the new Tommy Sherman Memorial Tree.

Jane

Lovely.

I wonder why it isn't blossoming.

Daria

Did you take the little rubber thing off the bottom?

Oh!

Jane

Oh,hmm, Daria? Maybe we should go inside before lightning strikes you dead and bits of you mess up my nice shoes.

I never thought I would say this, but the grades on these tests were miraculously above my low expectations.

Jane

I like a teacher with no ambitions for his students.

Daria

[looks at her test; the score is 100] Yeah, high standards only give us something to strive for.

[has a score of 66] Yes! I passed and I got the extra point!

Kevin

All right!

Kevvy? What's that "A" doing on your paper?

Why, Brittany, that's the most intelligent question you've asked all year.

Thanks!

Kevin?

Kevin

I have an "A" because...I got a hundred?

That's right, Kevin. In fact, almost the entire football team, despite repeated cranial trauma and a chronic inability to solve the maze on the back of a cereal box, got a hundred!

Go, team, go!

Only Mr. Mackenzie got a "B"!

[less enthusiastically] Go, Mac, go...

Forgive me my suspicions, but it's obvious that someone--Kevin--got a hold of the test beforehand--Kevin--which would account for the jimmied lock on my filing cabinet--Kevin!

Daria

But who does he really suspect?

Jane

That Jimmy guy?

Perhaps you would like to share with us your knowledge in this matter?

Kevin

But I don't know anything.

Daria

Can't accuse him of lying there.

I think you do know something about the incident, Kevin. I think that if you didn't steal the test yourself, then you know who did, and is it not true that you needed an "A" to get off academic probation?

Kevin

Nah, the coach said he'd fix my... I mean, hey, I studied!

[takes Kevin's test] Kevin, who were the principle players in the Teapot Dome scandal?

Kevin

The New Orleans Saints?

Teapot Dome, Kevin, not Superdome!

Kevin

Teapot... the New England Patriots!

Daria

How many teams are there in the NFL? I want to know if this is going to run into lunch.

[leans over Kevin] Where were you Monday afternoon?!

Kevin

Um, hanging out with the team?

Before you run off to your next class for your naps, know that unless the guilty party comes forth, everyone will receive an "F" on the test! Do I make myself clear?

Daria

I can't help but think that there's something in here that Upchuck's Angels overlooked.

Jane

Wow, that's a stretch. Probably just some incriminating piece of evidence that Ms. Li will jump all over as proof of your guilt. [Daria removes a pink pistol from her locker and Ms. Li, Jake, and Helen appear in police uniforms, standing behind her] Right on schedule.

Ms. Morgendorffer, you're under arrest for the murder of Kevin Thompson. Book her: murder one.

Daria

I just picked what I'm gonna fail at -- getting Quinn grounded so she can't go to that thing.

Jane

Excellent.

Daria

This way, if I blow the assignment and Quinn is grounded, I still win.

Jane

Okay. Now you gotta help me to pick something to fail at; something really impresive that doesn't required any effort of any kind.

Daria

How about performing brain surgery on Kevin?

Jane

I said no effort. Finding that brain could take weeks.

Daria

Then...how about being conventional: looking and acting like anybody else. It would take you no time to fail at that.

Jane

What are you saying? That I'm some kind of freak of nature?

Daria

Define of nature.