One more time: I am not taking a college prep course! Actually, I may just skip college and stay home. It'll save me the trouble of moving back in later.
[Jake swerves into traffic in response, barely avoiding another car before straightening out]
HelenWatch the road! Daria, if you don't get into a decent school your life will be ruined. End of discussion.
Way to go, Mom! She can't get her way all the time.
Helen
Actually, Quinn, it wouldn't hurt if you took the course too.
Maybe we can sit together!
Helen
I don't think you realize that modeling is an extremely competitive activity...
So is dating, if you do it right.
Helen
...in which your value as a human being is decided entirely on how you look.
When does the bad part come in?
Helen
Science is fascinating. Tell me all about it, honey.
I can't. I signed a confidentiality paper. The other scientists would be mad.
Helen
[groans] Oh, forget it, Daria. Quinn, how was your day?
It sucked. First my teacher gave my paper on Cleopatra's makeup don'ts an "F" -- like he would know. Then my heel broke. Then, like, the day was almost over and only two guys had asked me out. Luckily, just before...
Helen
[pleading] Daria, please tell me about the project.
[sighs] It's about how behavior is affected by positive or negative reinforcement.
Helen
Sounds super.
Like... say, you have a friend who responds to everything you say with, "That's great!" This insincere reply is the same whether you saved a life or killed a bug, and thus becomes "negative reinforcement," causing you to withdraw from that person or persons.
Helen
Wow. That's fantastic!
Helen
Don't start, girls. Your father and I are very upset that you broke your curfew last night.
I didn't know I had a curfew.
Well, that's interesting, Daria; I didn't, either. But according to your mother...
Helen
Jake! The point is, you were out way too late, which is why tonight we're going to...
Destroy our lives with your crushing rules and regulations? I can't breathe, Mother! I can't breathe!
Helen
No, tonight we're going to set some... boundaries. And we'd like your input.
Well, everybody knows that late curfews should be go to people who can use them: attractive and popular people with lots of friends.
Wow! Who said that? Thomas Jefferson? Or was it Barbie?
Of course not. No pin-headed historical person could ever make that much sense.
Helen
Great dinner, honey. Right, girls?
Now, off to the exercise yard before lockup.
Hey, that's right! Any final words before grounding official begins?
Helen
What have I said about using that word?
That you'll ground me or something?
Hey, I wouldn't want to go back to Family Court if I were you. [chuckles] I hear the judge is pretty tough.
[clock chimes]
Helen
See? This will fly by in no time.
Daddy, Remember that tutoring you wanted me to take for math? It's gonna be $50 an hour.
Helen
Well I got the bad news on the periodontist, 6 months worth of gum work, $800 a month.
Mail's here. Did you know Congress still spends 250 billion a year on the military?
250 BILLION A YEAR??? Damn it, that's it Daria! What am i made of? Money?
Helen
Jake, were you listening? Daria said--
Tutoring, dental work, Congress!! I'm not a machine dammit. I'm a man. For once in my stinking life, show a little-[screams in pain]
Helen
Oh Jakey, not again
IT'S MY EYE, OH GOD IT'S MY EYE! (removes his hand to reveal his left eye is red from a burst blood vessel)
Oh no...(whispers to Quinn): get the camera!
Helen
No camera, Daria. (to Jake): Uhh, remember what the doctor said the last time you burst a blood vessel?
Yeah. He said, "That'll be $200."
Helen
Why, Quinn, you look darling!
You look so happy, sweetie!
I felt happy. I always feel happy on picture day. Do you think that "Nature's Precious Wonders" was a good background? Because I almost went with "Starlight over Yosemite."
[screen shows Quinn's school picture]
Helen
I think it was a fine choice. What did you pick, Daria?
Black clouds swallowing Chernobyl?
Helen
Come on, Daria, where's your school picture?
[Daria hands over her picture]
Wow! That's sharp focus...
Helen
Daria, just once, why can't you smile when somebody takes your picture?
I don't like to smile unless I have a reason.
Helen
Daria, people judge you by your expressions.
Yes, and I believe there is something intrinsically wrong with that system, and have dedicated myself to changing it.
Hey, did you guys see these? [holds up wallet size photos]
Hello, Mrs. Morgendorffer, this is Angela Li, principal of Lawndale High.
Helen
Yes, Ms. Li, how may I help you?
[over the telephone] Mrs. Morgendorfer, I'm afraid I have some rather bad news. Your daughter Daria appears to have been involved in an act of vandalism.
Helen
What?
Mrs. Morgendoffer, your daughter collaborated with Jane Lane in the creation of a poster for our art contest.
Helen
Yes, I'm aware of that.
We found part of the poster unacceptable. So it was altered prior to it's entry. Unfortunatley someone defaced the poster while it was on display and since your daughter and Miss Lane were objecting to changing it, I must assume that they were the vandals. I'm going to have to take drastic action.
Helen
Wait a moment. You're saying the girls were against changing the poster but entered it into the contest anyway?
Helen
I was under the impression that participation in this contest was voluntary.
Yes, but your daughter refused to volunteer, so in her case I made it mandatory.
Helen
All right, Ms. Li, let me make sure I have this straight. You took my daughter's poster from her, altered its content, exhibited it against her will, and are now threatening discipline because you claim she defaced her own property, which you admit to stealing?
[flustered] That's not what I said at all!
Helen
Ms. Li, are you familiar with the phrase "violation of civil liberties"?
Helen
And the phrase "big fat lawsuit"?
I'm glad to see you take such an interest in your daughters, Mrs. Morgendorffer.
Helen
Well, it isn't easy raising two teenagers all by yourself... with Jake.
Of course, I like to think the school environment also plays a pivotal role.
Helen
Absolutely. Although it would be nice if the students got a little more encouragement. Maybe a bright kid like Daria would have a better attitude. [Ms. Li laughs] Did I say something funny?
With all due respect, I can't think of a prison that could create an attitude like your daughter's, much less a school. No, I always assumed that came from interaction with her parents, or lack of it.
Helen
Oh, so you draw a distinction between prison and school? Because from what I've heard, you run the one pretty much like the other.
Ms. Li (offended): I don't have to listen to this!
Helen
No, you don't!
Ms. Li (as she leaves the tent): And by the way, you look 50! (Helen's face falls in horror)
Hey! It's my daughter the genius.
Helen
Our own academic achiever.
We're all so proud of you. Aren't we, Daria?
Sure, if you mean proud as in "stunned."
Mom, Dad, making you happy is the greatest reward I could ask for. Of course, when other kids get a good grade, they sometimes get, like, a little present.
Helen
Now, Quinn, I really think...
[Interrupts] I'll handle this. You're absolutely right, sweetheart. You got an A, you should be rewarded. Here you go!
Wait, isn't that a double standard?
You just gave her a twenty for getting one A. What about all the As I get for free?
Yeah, but this is a special occasion, so Quinn gets a special reward; It's a motivational thing.
But won't that demotivate your other daughter whose work is consistently good?
Helen
Yes, Jake, where are you going with this?
I wasn't finished. Daria should have a consistent reward for her consistently good work.
And Quinn should have a special one time reward for her one time effort.
But what about a higher reward for maintaining a standard of excellence over time, perhaps with compound interest?
[passes his wallet] Here, just take it! Helen, I told you I was no good at this parenting crap!
[giving her car keys to the valet] I don't mind a few dents, but change the radio station and you're a dead man.
RRita
Amy, how delightful. I thought you weren't coming.
I wasn't, but I thought if you two could put aside years of bitterness and resentment, then so can I... for a day.
RRita
Oh, Amy, why do you say such ridiculous things?
Out loud? So, Jake. You're still with Helen, huh? Shows remarkable fortitude. And Roger. How's the skydiving going?
Helen
Amy, Roger passed away. This is Paul.
RRita
Oh. Sorry Paul. How do you do?
And he was one of the lucky ones.
Helen
Girls!
Hey, what's the point of a senseless tragedy if you can't find a little humor in it? I like the way you think, Daria.
RRita
Now, Amy, I don't know where we're going to seat you... [leads Amy into building]
Helen
I need a drink. [Jake laughs] Why are you laughing? [Jake's laughter dies as he follows Helen inside]
Wow, Aunt Amy's really weird.
[dark clouds roll in, thunder rumbles]
Helen
So, Jodie, do you belong to any clubs?
You don't have to answer that.
I'm president of the French Club, vice president of Student Council, editor of yearbook, and I'm also on the tennis team.
Daria, why aren't you on the tennis team?
Because it's classified as a sport.
Helen
Speaking of sports, Jodie, do you know Kevin Thompson? He and Daria did a science project together.
Oh, sure. Kevin's great... [softly to Daria] ...at smashing beer cans with his head.
Helen
I don't know why Daria doesn't hang around with him and his gang more.
For the same reason I don't sleep with my head packed in ice.
Yeah, his name's Michael. But everyone calls him Mack.
Should we go to the main building, or just apply for jobs in the stables?
Helen
Jake, have you seen her face? What did the doctor say?
No one's been in to see her yet, but Dr. Davidson doesn't think it's drugs.
Helen
No one's been in to see her, and you're going out for sodas?! Jake, can't you take charge of a situation for one damn minute?
Helen
If you had any sense you'd realize that these big hospitals let patients slip through the cracks all the time. You have to keep after them every second.
You know, this is exactly the kind of constant bickering that could make an otherwise happy young person turn to drugs.
Helen
I want a doctor in here now! Oh, why do I bother? [leaves] Nurse... nurse... nurse!
You said I could have a root beer.
[Daria comes in]
[angrily] We want to see your belly button, young lady, and we want to see it now!
What are you talking about?
Helen
Out with it!
[shows her navel] Do you have a problem with innies?
Helen
Quinn, what's the matter with you?
Your sister's not pierced. Why would you scare us like that?
But... but it was there yesterday!
Trying to brighten your ho-hum life with a little illusion? [yawns] Boy, I'm tired. Night, everybody. [heads upstairs]
She was pierced... pierced, I tell you! Oh, the humanity...
Daria · 137 quotes
