[Jake takes the girls to school]
JakeGirls, I just want you to know your mother and I realize it's not easy moving to a whole new town -- especially for you, Daria, right?
Jake
[laughs] I'm just saying you don't make friends as easily as... uh, some people.
[After seeing Quinn turning up the radio] Quinn for instance?
Jake
That's not what I meant. Not necessary. [Turns radio off] The point is, the first day at a new school is bound to be difficult...
[turns radio on and shouts] Speak up, Dad! Can't hear you!
Jake
Uh, where was I? [turns off radio] Oh, yeah...
Don't start, girls. Your father and I are very upset that you broke your curfew last night.
I didn't know I had a curfew.
Jake
Well, that's interesting, Daria; I didn't, either. But according to your mother...
Jake! The point is, you were out way too late, which is why tonight we're going to...
Destroy our lives with your crushing rules and regulations? I can't breathe, Mother! I can't breathe!
No, tonight we're going to set some... boundaries. And we'd like your input.
Well, everybody knows that late curfews should be go to people who can use them: attractive and popular people with lots of friends.
Wow! Who said that? Thomas Jefferson? Or was it Barbie?
Jake
It can't be Jefferson.
Of course not. No pin-headed historical person could ever make that much sense.
Great dinner, honey. Right, girls?
Now, off to the exercise yard before lockup.
Jake
Hey, that's right! Any final words before grounding official begins?
What have I said about using that word?
That you'll ground me or something?
Jake
Hey, I wouldn't want to go back to Family Court if I were you. [chuckles] I hear the judge is pretty tough.
[clock chimes]
See? This will fly by in no time.
Daddy, Remember that tutoring you wanted me to take for math? It's gonna be $50 an hour.
Jake
$50 an hour?
Well I got the bad news on the periodontist, 6 months worth of gum work, $800 a month.
Jake
$800 a month??
Mail's here. Did you know Congress still spends 250 billion a year on the military?
Jake
250 BILLION A YEAR??? Damn it, that's it Daria! What am i made of? Money?
Jake, were you listening? Daria said--
Jake
Tutoring, dental work, Congress!! I'm not a machine dammit. I'm a man. For once in my stinking life, show a little-[screams in pain]
Jake
IT'S MY EYE, OH GOD IT'S MY EYE! (removes his hand to reveal his left eye is red from a burst blood vessel)
Oh no...(whispers to Quinn): get the camera!
No camera, Daria. (to Jake): Uhh, remember what the doctor said the last time you burst a blood vessel?
Jake
Yeah. He said, "That'll be $200."
Why, Quinn, you look darling!
Jake
You look so happy, sweetie!
I felt happy. I always feel happy on picture day. Do you think that "Nature's Precious Wonders" was a good background? Because I almost went with "Starlight over Yosemite."
[screen shows Quinn's school picture]
I think it was a fine choice. What did you pick, Daria?
Black clouds swallowing Chernobyl?
Come on, Daria, where's your school picture?
[Daria hands over her picture]
Jake
Wow! That's sharp focus...
Daria, just once, why can't you smile when somebody takes your picture?
I don't like to smile unless I have a reason.
Daria, people judge you by your expressions.
Yes, and I believe there is something intrinsically wrong with that system, and have dedicated myself to changing it.
Hey, did you guys see these? [holds up wallet size photos]
Jake
Hey! It's my daughter the genius.
Our own academic achiever.
Jake
We're all so proud of you. Aren't we, Daria?
Sure, if you mean proud as in "stunned."
Mom, Dad, making you happy is the greatest reward I could ask for. Of course, when other kids get a good grade, they sometimes get, like, a little present.
Now, Quinn, I really think...
Jake
[Interrupts] I'll handle this. You're absolutely right, sweetheart. You got an A, you should be rewarded. Here you go!
Wait, isn't that a double standard?
Jake
Huh?
You just gave her a twenty for getting one A. What about all the As I get for free?
Jake
Yeah, but this is a special occasion, so Quinn gets a special reward; It's a motivational thing.
But won't that demotivate your other daughter whose work is consistently good?
Yes, Jake, where are you going with this?
Jake
I wasn't finished. Daria should have a consistent reward for her consistently good work.
Jake
And Quinn should have a special one time reward for her one time effort.
But what about a higher reward for maintaining a standard of excellence over time, perhaps with compound interest?
Jake
[passes his wallet] Here, just take it! Helen, I told you I was no good at this parenting crap!
So, Jodie, do you belong to any clubs?
You don't have to answer that.
I'm president of the French Club, vice president of Student Council, editor of yearbook, and I'm also on the tennis team.
Jake
Daria, why aren't you on the tennis team?
Because it's classified as a sport.
Speaking of sports, Jodie, do you know Kevin Thompson? He and Daria did a science project together.
Oh, sure. Kevin's great... [softly to Daria] ...at smashing beer cans with his head.
I don't know why Daria doesn't hang around with him and his gang more.
For the same reason I don't sleep with my head packed in ice.
Jake
So, Jodie, got a fella?
Yeah, his name's Michael. But everyone calls him Mack.
Jake
Wow!
Should we go to the main building, or just apply for jobs in the stables?
Jake
Have you seen this pamphlet? [hands Daria a pamphlet]
"Is Your Teenager Using Drugs? Ten Warning Signs." Yes...yes...no...maybe...sometimes...hmm, about three times a week...and not if she can possibly avoid it. In my opinion, Quinn's clean.
Although you might want to check her pupils.
Jake
[laughs nervously] I, uh, was thinking more about you, Daria.
Oh, then you're not supposed to let me read this. You're supposed to sneak around, spying on me and looking through my sock drawer. [doorbell rings, Daria leaves]
Jake
Oh. Kiddo, which one is your sock drawer?
Jake, have you seen her face? What did the doctor say?
Jake
No one's been in to see her yet, but Dr. Davidson doesn't think it's drugs.
No one's been in to see her, and you're going out for sodas?! Jake, can't you take charge of a situation for one damn minute?
Jake
But I...
If you had any sense you'd realize that these big hospitals let patients slip through the cracks all the time. You have to keep after them every second.
You know, this is exactly the kind of constant bickering that could make an otherwise happy young person turn to drugs.
I want a doctor in here now! Oh, why do I bother? [leaves] Nurse... nurse... nurse!
Jake
You said I could have a root beer.
[Daria comes in]
Jake
[angrily] We want to see your belly button, young lady, and we want to see it now!
What are you talking about?
[shows her navel] Do you have a problem with innies?
Quinn, what's the matter with you?
Jake
Your sister's not pierced. Why would you scare us like that?
But... but it was there yesterday!
Trying to brighten your ho-hum life with a little illusion? [yawns] Boy, I'm tired. Night, everybody. [heads upstairs]
She was pierced... pierced, I tell you! Oh, the humanity...
[answering the phone] Hello? No, Daria's not here. You want the Morgendorffers.
Jake
Gah! Aah! I am the Morgendorffers!
[takes the phone from Jake] Calm down, Jake! Hello? Trent? You haven't seen the girls?...Are your parents there?...Are they in town at all?...Have you done anything to prepare for this hurricane?...Yes, hurricane! Trent, I want you to come over and wait for the girls here. You'll be safer...Then put some on! And get over here now, young man! [hangs up] Doesn't anybody in this town wear pants anymore?
Jake
You know, Quinn. It's been kind of nice having you around so much lately.
It has been nice. Very nice.
[feels upset] Nice?! It's been the most boring, worst time in my entire life! Go ahead and have your stupid baby! I can't take this anymore!
Jake
You're pregnant?!
Jake
We can't have another kid, Helen!
Well, I'm not pregnant. And that's not a very nice thing to say, by the way.
[Helen and Jake begin to argue]
[comes in] Hey, what's going on?
[angrily] Absolutely nothing, and I am sick of it! I can't continue to live my life like some kind of monk in a nunnery! [leaves angrily]
Jake
Well, don't blame me!
Oh, oh, and you want to blame me!
Jake
Get off my back, Helen! Leave me the hell alone!
Jake
Say, uh, Jane... I know you're Daria's best friend and... well, she's so hard to talk to these days. I was wondering...
Maximum of three questions. No betrayals. Immunity from prosecution. And, uh, talk your wife into finding a new speed-walking route.
Jake
Done! Age?
Jake
Uh... height?
Jake
Mm-hmm. Favorite color?
Jake
Oh, that's too obvious. Can I have another one?
[into phone] Well, actually, Eric, would you mind if we wrapped this up tomorrow? Oh, no, that's okay, no, fine. It's just that my family was just... no. Yes, sure, of course. Not at all. Anytime -- never!
Jake
Nothing like Taco Tuesday, eh, girls?
If I recall correctly, Taco Thursday was pretty similar.
I was on the radio today. Bing and the Spatula Man invited the Fashion Club to critique the outfits of some less stylish students.
Marconi would be so proud.
That Spatula Man is funny!
As are most men named for kitchen utensils.
Jake
Helen, you're going to miss out on all the guacamole! [taunting] Mom's going to miss the guacamole, Mom's going to miss the guacamole...
Enough with the guacamole! [into phone] No, not you, Eric!
I think Bing has a crush on me. Daddy! You're using all the cheese!
Jake
[starts blushing and sweating] "What did the doctor tell you about cheese, Jake? What did the doctor tell you about cheese, Jake?" Why can't a man come home from a hard day's work and enjoy a lousy taco without it turning into...hey, you know, it's the darndest thing! I can't feel my arm! [starts wheezing]
Jake
Blurk! [passes out in the guacamole]
Jake
[picks his head up from the bowl] Mom's...gonna miss...the guacamole... [passes out again]
[turns around, drops phone] Jakey!
Daria · 137 quotes
