In conclusion, this mouse, through no fault of my own Brittany, was repeatedly abused by a ten year old boy; as a result the mouse's primary response to everyday stimuli is fear. Similar reactions occur in humans: take the mugging victim beaten with nunchucks in an alleyway, as he or she recalls the attacker's face, his graggly goatee and cheap, dangly earring, she learns to hate and fear all men, regardless of age, race or taste in jewelry.
KevinReally?
BMrs. Barch
Don't interrupt, hateful scum! [Smiling] Excellent job, Daria, you get an A.
Kevin
All right!
BMrs. Barch
Not you, you man! You get a D!
Kevin
All right!
Kevin
Tommy Sherman.
TTommy
That's the name, don't wear it out.
Kevin
I'm your biggest fan.
TTommy
I doubt that, unless the rest of them are pygmies, ha ha.
Kevin
I'm Kevin Thompson, this is Michael Jordan MacKenzie, we call him Mac
TTommy
Michael Jordan Mackenzie! You're kidding, right.
MMichael
It was Michael James MacKenzie. My dad went a Bulls playoff game when I was 12, and... then he changed it.
TTommy
That's sick man, so what you guys, on the intermural squad, or something?
Kevin
Varsity dude, I'm the QB.
[Tommy Sherman laughs pompously, then Kevin laughs too, unaware of what is so funny]
TTommy
[annoyed] Why are you laugh?
Kevin
Um, why are you?
TTommy
I'm just picturing a scrawny little guy like you, trying to play for some third-rate junior college somewhere, and getting your butt kicked every week.
Kevin
Oh yeah, that's funny.
"As his fingers trailed sensuously down the nape of her neck to her... bow-dice... she tingled uncontrollably with the knowledge that tonight Jean Perrier would taste the fruit of the garden from which no man had ere picked produce before." Oh!
W1Woman #1
What a pretty voice she has. Do you think?
W2Woman #2
Oh, yes. She sounds just like Frances did when she was younger.
W3Woman #3
I always did have a lovely voice.
W2Woman #2
And I looked just like you, dearie.
Kevin
Pow! Blam! Kablooey! Cool, this guy just swallowed his own teeth.
MMan
Happened to me last Friday. Only they weren't my teeth, if you get my drift.
Kevin
Yeah. No.
NNurse
Daria, you'll be reading to Mrs. Patterson. I think you two will really hit it off.
PMrs. Patterson
What a pretty girl...
PMrs. Patterson
... that Brittany is.
PMrs. Patterson
Are you two friends? No, I don't suppose you would be. Never mind. Let's hear what you brought to read.
PMrs. Patterson
Oh, yes. My favorite birthday cards are the ones with poems in them.
"I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness. Starving, hysterical, naked. Dragging themselves through the negro streets of dawn..." [time passes] "... the soul is innocent and immortal. It should never die ungodly, in an armed madhouse--"
[Mrs. Patterson presses call button]
NNurse
Mrs. Patterson, can I get you something?
PMrs. Patterson
Get me my walker. And then hit her with it!
Kevin
So, there aren't any atomic communists?
[Points to the Fashion Club, who are all wearing black turtle necks and berets]
We're dressed this way for Fashion Club solidarity.
One of us has a problem. That's all you need to know.
Oh, dear! What kind of problem?
Don't worry, Quinn. They still don't know it's you.
[Quinn screams and runs off]
Did I say the wrong thing?
[Mr. DeMartino is returning graded papers to students]
DMr. DeMartino
I never thought I would say this, but the grades on these tests were miraculously above my low expectations.
I like a teacher with no ambitions for his students.
[looks at her test; the score is 100] Yeah, high standards only give us something to strive for.
[has a score of 66] Yes! I passed and I got the extra point!
[Mack has a score of 81; he rests his chin on his hand while the other football players loudly congratulate each other]
Kevin
All right!
Kevvy? What's that "A" doing on your paper?
DMr. DeMartino
Why, Brittany, that's the most intelligent question you've asked all year.
Kevin
I have an "A" because...I got a hundred?
DMr. DeMartino
That's right, Kevin. In fact, almost the entire football team, despite repeated cranial trauma and a chronic inability to solve the maze on the back of a cereal box, got a hundred!
DMr. DeMartino
Only Mr. Mackenzie got a "B"!
[less enthusiastically] Go, Mac, go...
[Kevin and the other football players cheer on except for Mack]
DMr. DeMartino
Forgive me my suspicions, but it's obvious that someone--Kevin--got a hold of the test beforehand--Kevin--which would account for the jimmied lock on my filing cabinet--Kevin!
But who does he really suspect?
DMr. DeMartino
Perhaps you would like to share with us your knowledge in this matter?
Kevin
But I don't know anything.
Can't accuse him of lying there.
DMr. DeMartino
I think you do know something about the incident, Kevin. I think that if you didn't steal the test yourself, then you know who did, and is it not true that you needed an "A" to get off academic probation?
Kevin
Nah, the coach said he'd fix my... I mean, hey, I studied!
DMr. DeMartino
[takes Kevin's test] Kevin, who were the principle players in the Teapot Dome scandal?
Kevin
The New Orleans Saints?
DMr. DeMartino
Teapot Dome, Kevin, not Superdome!
Kevin
Teapot... the New England Patriots!
How many teams are there in the NFL? I want to know if this is going to run into lunch.
DMr. DeMartino
[leans over Kevin] Where were you Monday afternoon?!
Kevin
Um, hanging out with the team?
[football players agree with Kevin as the class bell rings]
DMr. DeMartino
Before you run off to your next class for your naps, know that unless the guilty party comes forth, everyone will receive an "F" on the test! Do I make myself clear?
He meant well, for a teacher who does nothing well.
I'm reminded of my father.
Because I can't get the phrase, "damn idiot teachers with their damn idiot brains," out of my head.
[enters] Hey, Daria, congratulations. A published story, that's amazing.
[Kevin and Brittany approach them]
Um, it's not exactly published. I sent it in, but I haven't heard back.
Kevin
Then why are you telling everybody that it's been published?
Oh, you know Daria and her compulsive need to impress.
Oh. But then instead of making up stuff about writing, shouldn't you pick something good?
How's this? During the day, I'm a mild-mannered student. But at night, I fight crime in a stretchy-stretchy costume.
Kevin
Cool! I didn't know that.
Kevin
But she just said.
Kevie, you're so gullible. [she drags Kevin away]
Kevin
She wears it on weekends, come on.
You know, my mother gets Musings and their fiction is awful. I bet you'll have no trouble getting in.
Good luck. [she exits and Ms. Barch enters]
Daria, in the name of Jane Austin, Emily Dickinson, Anne Bronte, Emily Bronte, and Charlotte Bronte, I want to say, "You go, girl!"
That's just how they would have put it.
Er, uh, um, nobody. It certainly didn't come up during anything other than normal in-school chitchat among colleagues. Fully dressed. With no oils involved.
Ever have one of those moments that no shower, no matter the duration nor the temperature, can ever erase?
I'm leaning toward trauma-induced amnesia myself. Punch my head, would ya?
Daria · 137 quotes
