Brittany quotes from Daria

"As his fingers trailed sensuously down the nape of her neck to her... bow-dice... she tingled uncontrollably with the knowledge that tonight Jean Perrier would taste the fruit of the garden from which no man had ere picked produce before." Oh!

What a pretty voice she has. Do you think?

Oh, yes. She sounds just like Frances did when she was younger.

I always did have a lovely voice.

Thanks!

And I looked just like you, dearie.

Eep!

Kevin

Pow! Blam! Kablooey! Cool, this guy just swallowed his own teeth.

Happened to me last Friday. Only they weren't my teeth, if you get my drift.

Kevin

Yeah. No.

Daria, you'll be reading to Mrs. Patterson. I think you two will really hit it off.

What a pretty girl...

Daria

[upbeat] Oh.

... that Brittany is.

Daria

[dejected] Oh.

Are you two friends? No, I don't suppose you would be. Never mind. Let's hear what you brought to read.

Daria

I hope you like poetry.

Oh, yes. My favorite birthday cards are the ones with poems in them.

Daria

"I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness. Starving, hysterical, naked. Dragging themselves through the negro streets of dawn..." [time passes] "... the soul is innocent and immortal. It should never die ungodly, in an armed madhouse--"

Mrs. Patterson, can I get you something?

Get me my walker. And then hit her with it!

Daria, this is my stepmom, Ashley-Amber. Do you recognize her?

Daria

I think so, but it's so hard to remember your childhood nightmares clearly.

She was the poster model for St. Peter Girl beer.

[from memory] "I'll cure what 'ales' you." [giggles]

Ooh, isn't she great?

Daria

It's hard to believe she's real.

Come on, I'll introduce you to my dad.

Daria

He's not the Maytag repairman, is he?

I don't think so.

Dad, this is my classmate, Daria.

Hey, Daria. Steve Taylor. Always glad to meet one of Britt's friends. [shakes hands with Daria] You like cosmetics? I'll get you into a focus group. The pay is a joke but there's free lip gloss out the ying yang. Good stuff, too. They try it on cats first. You meet my wife? Boy, was she a knockout when she was young.

My pompoms!

That's my Pebble Beach hat, you little turd! Gerald Ford sold me that hat!

Daria

Hi. How are you?

Then he said his armpits would know only the embrace of his crutches!

Jodie

What does that mean?

I don't know, but it sounds bad! Like Kevvy's armpits have feelings, but not for me, now what do I do with lips so empty, so yearning?

Jodie

Lips? So we're off the armpit thing?

Daria

You know, if you break up Brittany's attempted thought, it looks like a Mystic Spiral song.

Jane

[Reading from Daria's paper] "Armpits have feelings, but not for me. Now what do I do with lips empty?" Eh. Are you sure you don't want to replace lips with skull?

Daria

It's a work in progress.

[Pointing to the crutch she planted following Daria's advice] Look, the new Tommy Sherman Memorial Tree.

Jane

Lovely.

I wonder why it isn't blossoming.

Daria

Did you take the little rubber thing off the bottom?

Oh!

Jane

Oh,hmm, Daria? Maybe we should go inside before lightning strikes you dead and bits of you mess up my nice shoes.

I never thought I would say this, but the grades on these tests were miraculously above my low expectations.

Jane

I like a teacher with no ambitions for his students.

Daria

[looks at her test; the score is 100] Yeah, high standards only give us something to strive for.

[has a score of 66] Yes! I passed and I got the extra point!

Kevin

All right!

Kevvy? What's that "A" doing on your paper?

Why, Brittany, that's the most intelligent question you've asked all year.

Thanks!

Kevin?

Kevin

I have an "A" because...I got a hundred?

That's right, Kevin. In fact, almost the entire football team, despite repeated cranial trauma and a chronic inability to solve the maze on the back of a cereal box, got a hundred!

Go, team, go!

Only Mr. Mackenzie got a "B"!

[less enthusiastically] Go, Mac, go...

Forgive me my suspicions, but it's obvious that someone--Kevin--got a hold of the test beforehand--Kevin--which would account for the jimmied lock on my filing cabinet--Kevin!

Daria

But who does he really suspect?

Jane

That Jimmy guy?

Perhaps you would like to share with us your knowledge in this matter?

Kevin

But I don't know anything.

Daria

Can't accuse him of lying there.

I think you do know something about the incident, Kevin. I think that if you didn't steal the test yourself, then you know who did, and is it not true that you needed an "A" to get off academic probation?

Kevin

Nah, the coach said he'd fix my... I mean, hey, I studied!

[takes Kevin's test] Kevin, who were the principle players in the Teapot Dome scandal?

Kevin

The New Orleans Saints?

Teapot Dome, Kevin, not Superdome!

Kevin

Teapot... the New England Patriots!

Daria

How many teams are there in the NFL? I want to know if this is going to run into lunch.

[leans over Kevin] Where were you Monday afternoon?!

Kevin

Um, hanging out with the team?

Before you run off to your next class for your naps, know that unless the guilty party comes forth, everyone will receive an "F" on the test! Do I make myself clear?

[offscreen] Payday is currently experiencing a temporary power outage. Sales of butane, propane, methane, gasoline and other combustibles will be temporarily suspended until the sprinklers and ventilation system are working again, and we can get the damn doors open. Thank you for shopping the Payday way.

[offscreen] Oh, no! Kevie, someone stole our cart! [pause] Kevie?

[offscreen] Will whoever has their hand on my butt please remove it, this instant.

Jane

[offscreen] Daria?

Daria

[offscreen] Yeah?

Jane

[offscreen] Gummy bear?

Jane

He meant well, for a teacher who does nothing well.

Daria

I'm reminded of my father.

Jane

What? Why?

Daria

Because I can't get the phrase, "damn idiot teachers with their damn idiot brains," out of my head.

Jodie

[enters] Hey, Daria, congratulations. A published story, that's amazing.

Daria

Um, it's not exactly published. I sent it in, but I haven't heard back.

Kevin

Then why are you telling everybody that it's been published?

Jane

Oh, you know Daria and her compulsive need to impress.

Oh. But then instead of making up stuff about writing, shouldn't you pick something good?

Daria

How's this? During the day, I'm a mild-mannered student. But at night, I fight crime in a stretchy-stretchy costume.

Kevin

Cool! I didn't know that.

She doesn't really.

Kevin

But she just said.

Kevie, you're so gullible. [she drags Kevin away]

Kevin

She wears it on weekends, come on.

Jodie

You know, my mother gets Musings and their fiction is awful. I bet you'll have no trouble getting in.

Daria

Gee, thanks.

Jodie

That's not what I meant.

Daria

[sighs] I know, thanks.

Jodie

Good luck. [she exits and Ms. Barch enters]

Daria, in the name of Jane Austin, Emily Dickinson, Anne Bronte, Emily Bronte, and Charlotte Bronte, I want to say, "You go, girl!"

Jane

That's just how they would have put it.

Daria

Who told you?

Er, uh, um, nobody. It certainly didn't come up during anything other than normal in-school chitchat among colleagues. Fully dressed. With no oils involved.

Daria

Ever have one of those moments that no shower, no matter the duration nor the temperature, can ever erase?

Jane

I'm leaning toward trauma-induced amnesia myself. Punch my head, would ya?

Jodie

[about Jane] She sounded just like you.

Daria

Does that mean I sound like you?

[passing by them] Hi!

Daria

If either of us starts to sound like her, it's time to panic.