[in Mrs. Manson's office]
MMrs. Manson
Now, Quinn... what do you see here? [holds up a photo]
QuinnIt's a picture of two people talking.
MMrs. Manson
That's right. Can you make up a little story about what it is they're discussing?
Quinn
I'm not even supposed to be taking this test. I'm exempt.
MMrs. Manson
You won't be graded.
Quinn
Oh. Okay, then. Let's see... they've been going out for awhile, and he's upset because other people keep asking her out, and she saying she can't help it if she's attractive and popular, and besides, nobody ever said they were going steady, and if he does want to go steady he's got to do a lot better than movie, burger, back seat, movie, burger, back seat, because there are plenty of guys with bigger back seats waiting to take her someplace nice!
MMrs. Manson
Very good, Quinn! Now, Dora, let's see if you can make up a story as vivid as your sister's.
MMrs. Manson
I'm sorry... Daria. What do you see in the picture, Dora?
Um... a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains.
MMrs. Manson
Uh, there aren't any ponies. It's two people.
Last time I took one of these tests they told me they were clouds. They said they could be whatever I wanted.
MMrs. Manson
That's a different test, dear. In this test, they're people and you tell me what they're discussing.
Oh... I see. All right, then. It's a guy and a girl and they're discussing... a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains.
One more time: I am not taking a college prep course! Actually, I may just skip college and stay home. It'll save me the trouble of moving back in later.
[Jake swerves into traffic in response, barely avoiding another car before straightening out]
Watch the road! Daria, if you don't get into a decent school your life will be ruined. End of discussion.
Quinn
Way to go, Mom! She can't get her way all the time.
Actually, Quinn, it wouldn't hurt if you took the course too.
Quinn
Wait a minute!
Maybe we can sit together!
Science is fascinating. Tell me all about it, honey.
I can't. I signed a confidentiality paper. The other scientists would be mad.
[groans] Oh, forget it, Daria. Quinn, how was your day?
Quinn
It sucked. First my teacher gave my paper on Cleopatra's makeup don'ts an "F" -- like he would know. Then my heel broke. Then, like, the day was almost over and only two guys had asked me out. Luckily, just before...
[pleading] Daria, please tell me about the project.
[sighs] It's about how behavior is affected by positive or negative reinforcement.
Like... say, you have a friend who responds to everything you say with, "That's great!" This insincere reply is the same whether you saved a life or killed a bug, and thus becomes "negative reinforcement," causing you to withdraw from that person or persons.
GMr. Gupty
Now, Daria, I hope Quinn explained our rules. Were you planning on having a boyfriend in the house? Because, ha, we don't allow that.
No problem. I'm flying solo these days.
GMrs. Gupty
Then I guess it's not an issue.
Unless I pick up somebody on the way over.
Quinn
[short laugh] She's kidding, Mrs. Gupty. My sister's a big kidder. [scowls] Ha, ha, Daria.
GMr. Gupty
Ha ha! Well, you'll need a sense of humour to tangle with our little devils!
GMr. Gupty
No, seriously, they're great kids. See you Saturday Daria!
Bye. [hangs up] $10 surcharge if I have to spend more than 15 minutes with the parents.
Quinn
That's fair.
[Quinn and Daria are at Dr. Shar's office]
SDr. Shar
[into phone] Of course it's gonna be harder to breathe, hon. Those nostrils are itty-bitty compared to the ones you had. Try breathing through your mouth. Go on, try it! In, out. That sounds good. Again, sweetie. In, out. You keep that going! Bye! [hangs up] So, hello there, Quinn, whichever one of you is Quinn. What brings you here?
Quinn
It's my nose.
SDr. Shar
Oh, honey, nothing wrong with that nose. It's a pretty little schnoz!
Quinn
It's a schnoz?!
SDr. Shar
No! It's the tiniest little thing.
Quinn
Thank you. Can you fix it?
SDr. Shar
Oh, honey, I wouldn't touch it. It would be a crime against nature, and an ethics violation Dr. Shar just doesn't need right now! But, let's see if we can't do something. [camera focuses on Quinn] Quinn, would you like to see yourself with cheekbones?
Quinn
I have cheekbones.
[Dr. Shar manipulates image on computer to give Quinn prominent cheekbones]
SDr. Shar
We all do, honey, and maybe that baby fat will drop away and yours will show. You never know. But for twenty-three hundred dollars, this one month only, you can be sure.
Quinn
I don't have cheekbones!
[image of Quinn changes as Dr. Shar makes "improvements"]
SDr. Shar
All right hon, let's make some lips... dimple you up... two more... something's missing... oh! I know! [beauty mark appears on image] And as long as we're here, let's do something about that hair. [Quinn's long red hair is replaced with curly blonde hair] [prints out the image]
Quinn
I'm too cute!
SDr. Shar
And only six thousand dollars, so far. Anything else?
Can I see what she'd look like with eyebrow ridges and a large, sloping forehead?
SDr. Shar
Alright, funny gal! Your turn.
SDr. Shar
Nothing to be afraid of.
[camera focuses on Daria]
SDr. Shar
Oh, where shall we begin? Hmmm... nose, chin, eyes, cheeks, lips, hair... alrighty! Let's have a look, okay? [she quickly manipulates different parts of Daria's face and hair until the image looks exactly like Quinn] It's a start!
Quinn
Oh, look, Daria, you're cute! Dr. Shar, do you think maybe I can get a couple more of these, wallet size?
Pledge drive not going well?
Quinn
People are so shallow! Here, this is all I got and it's for you, from Upchuck.
Quinn
Deposit. He wants to rent that fake boob for the weekend.
Quinn
You know, maybe I should get boobs. I bet if I got some boobs on credit, I can get the rest of the money in no time.
Quinn
Or maybe Dr. Shar will give me a part time job sweeping up fat or something.
Quinn
I mean, I like being attractive and popular. It's, like, me, okay? So if Dr. Shar makes everyone else attractive and popular, then I'll have to be even more attractive just to keep up, and then if they, like, go back her to catch up to me, then I'll have to go back, and pretty soon it'll be like one of those vicious things! [melodramatic tone] Where will it end Daria? Where will it end?
You don't need surgery, Quinn. I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, and I'll deny I ever said it, but there's nothing wrong with you... physically. You've got the kind of looks that make other girls mentally ill. So stop it. You don't need any plastic surgery. You're perfect.
Quinn
Why do I even bother talking to you?
Don't start, girls. Your father and I are very upset that you broke your curfew last night.
I didn't know I had a curfew.
Well, that's interesting, Daria; I didn't, either. But according to your mother...
Jake! The point is, you were out way too late, which is why tonight we're going to...
Quinn
Destroy our lives with your crushing rules and regulations? I can't breathe, Mother! I can't breathe!
No, tonight we're going to set some... boundaries. And we'd like your input.
Quinn
Well, everybody knows that late curfews should be go to people who can use them: attractive and popular people with lots of friends.
Wow! Who said that? Thomas Jefferson? Or was it Barbie?
Quinn
Of course not. No pin-headed historical person could ever make that much sense.
Great dinner, honey. Right, girls?
Now, off to the exercise yard before lockup.
Hey, that's right! Any final words before grounding official begins?
Quinn
This sucks!
What have I said about using that word?
Quinn
That you'll ground me or something?
Hey, I wouldn't want to go back to Family Court if I were you. [chuckles] I hear the judge is pretty tough.
[clock chimes]
See? This will fly by in no time.
Quinn
Daddy, Remember that tutoring you wanted me to take for math? It's gonna be $50 an hour.
Well I got the bad news on the periodontist, 6 months worth of gum work, $800 a month.
Mail's here. Did you know Congress still spends 250 billion a year on the military?
250 BILLION A YEAR??? Damn it, that's it Daria! What am i made of? Money?
Jake, were you listening? Daria said--
Tutoring, dental work, Congress!! I'm not a machine dammit. I'm a man. For once in my stinking life, show a little-[screams in pain]
IT'S MY EYE, OH GOD IT'S MY EYE! (removes his hand to reveal his left eye is red from a burst blood vessel)
Oh no...(whispers to Quinn): get the camera!
Quinn
Ah.
No camera, Daria. (to Jake): Uhh, remember what the doctor said the last time you burst a blood vessel?
Yeah. He said, "That'll be $200."
Why, Quinn, you look darling!
You look so happy, sweetie!
Quinn
I felt happy. I always feel happy on picture day. Do you think that "Nature's Precious Wonders" was a good background? Because I almost went with "Starlight over Yosemite."
[screen shows Quinn's school picture]
I think it was a fine choice. What did you pick, Daria?
Black clouds swallowing Chernobyl?
Come on, Daria, where's your school picture?
[Daria hands over her picture]
Wow! That's sharp focus...
Daria, just once, why can't you smile when somebody takes your picture?
I don't like to smile unless I have a reason.
Daria, people judge you by your expressions.
Yes, and I believe there is something intrinsically wrong with that system, and have dedicated myself to changing it.
Quinn
Hey, did you guys see these? [holds up wallet size photos]
Quinn
I mean, just because you dump a guy for his older, cuter brother, does that give him the right to hold a grudge?
You know, if I knew we were going to be running around in the dirt, I wouldn't have worn my good sneakers.
Will you quiet down? I think I see something. [leaves]
Hey Quinn, is that your cousin? [Points her finger at Sandi]
[Quinn fires the paintballs at Sandi] Ow!
[Sandi fires paintballs at both Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany]
[All of them fire at each other until they give up where Sandi takes off the helmet and the goggles]
Quinn
Sandi? What are you doing here?
I was looking for the bathroom and all of a sudden you started shooting at me. I thought we promised not to do that!
Quinn
I would never fire at you, Sandi. I didn't recognize you with your goggles.
Yeah, why are you wearing them, anyway? They're so ugly.
Because those are the rules.
Quinn
Well, some rules were meant to be broken, like wearing red lipstick with an orange top.
Or black mascara with blond hair.
Quinn
Besides, you fired on us when you were already hit, and that's against the rules, too.
Gee, if everyone's on Quinn's side, maybe Quinn should be president of the Fashion Club.
Quinn
Don't be silly. I would never try to be president, as long as you were around.
Quinn
Sure. I mean, do you really think I could replace you?
Hey! It's my daughter the genius.
Our own academic achiever.
We're all so proud of you. Aren't we, Daria?
Sure, if you mean proud as in "stunned."
Quinn
Mom, Dad, making you happy is the greatest reward I could ask for. Of course, when other kids get a good grade, they sometimes get, like, a little present.
Now, Quinn, I really think...
[Interrupts] I'll handle this. You're absolutely right, sweetheart. You got an A, you should be rewarded. Here you go!
Quinn
Thanks, dad.
Wait, isn't that a double standard?
You just gave her a twenty for getting one A. What about all the As I get for free?
Yeah, but this is a special occasion, so Quinn gets a special reward; It's a motivational thing.
But won't that demotivate your other daughter whose work is consistently good?
Yes, Jake, where are you going with this?
I wasn't finished. Daria should have a consistent reward for her consistently good work.
Quinn
Hey!
And Quinn should have a special one time reward for her one time effort.
But what about a higher reward for maintaining a standard of excellence over time, perhaps with compound interest?
[passes his wallet] Here, just take it! Helen, I told you I was no good at this parenting crap!
Listen to this. "Like a hamster on one of those wheel things, school runs us around and around until we yearn for the food pellet. But only more homework awaits." You know, it's like she read my mind.
Right after you suffered a severe blow to the head.
Quinn
[comes in] Could you put that away? They're everywhere.
What are you doing here? Bomb scare at your table?
Quinn
Keep it down, okay? I'm trying to keep a low profile since the paper came out.
Lucky for you, the Pulitzer committee has already finished eating.
You must be very excited about what people are calling you.
Quinn
What?
Quinn
Come on, because of one little essay?
It's a slippery slope. Behold, the future.
[Gestures to a table of geeks, one of whom is blowing milk out of his nose and making everybody else laugh]
Quinn
Ew!
Last week, they were trying out for football, then they won one debate tournament.
Quinn
What am I gonna do? I can't be a brain! My friends will hate me!
Yes, but just think of all the new friends you'll make in Chess Club.
Quinn
Maybe I can steal all the newspapers before anyone else reads them.
Hey, wait a minute, "Brains." You don't even have lunch this period, do you?
Quinn
Of course not! I cut Science so I can talk to you. You think I'd sit with you while my grade is at lunch?
About that being mistaken for a brain thing? I wouldn't worry too much about it.
[giving her car keys to the valet] I don't mind a few dents, but change the radio station and you're a dead man.
RRita
Amy, how delightful. I thought you weren't coming.
I wasn't, but I thought if you two could put aside years of bitterness and resentment, then so can I... for a day.
RRita
Oh, Amy, why do you say such ridiculous things?
Out loud? So, Jake. You're still with Helen, huh? Shows remarkable fortitude. And Roger. How's the skydiving going?
Amy, Roger passed away. This is Paul.
RRita
Oh. Sorry Paul. How do you do?
Quinn
He fell onto a cow.
And he was one of the lucky ones.
Hey, what's the point of a senseless tragedy if you can't find a little humor in it? I like the way you think, Daria.
RRita
Now, Amy, I don't know where we're going to seat you... [leads Amy into building]
I need a drink. [Jake laughs] Why are you laughing? [Jake's laughter dies as he follows Helen inside]
Quinn
Wow, Aunt Amy's really weird.
[dark clouds roll in, thunder rumbles]
Daria · 137 quotes
