BMs. Barch
You will marry a man while still in your prime. Then, after putting him through school and spending 20 long-suffering years begging him to turn off those damn Broncos and get a real job, he'll walk out of your life, leaving a trail of muddy footprints behind on the freshly cleaned carpet. But you'll be better off without him. Much better off.
[girl runs away, sobbing]
And she's the living proof.
Should we get our fortunes read?
I'll pass. Knowing the present is bad enough.
Then how about a Ferris wheel ride?
Do I look desperate to you?
[Sam and Chris Griffin and Upchuck come running at them]
SCSam and Chris
Crusades! Crusades!
Ladies...wait till you hear "The Ballad of the Misunderstood Minstrel."
Do I look desperate to you now?
BMs. Barch
Class, there's been a change in our lesson plan. Today we'll discuss the planets' relative distance from the sun.
But we did that two weeks ago, Ms. B.
BMs. Barch
And now we're going to do it again, Charles. Unless you wish to spend the period in independent study?
[shivers] No... not the closet.
BMs. Barch
Now, the reason for the change is that I've received a brand new... [distastefully] ...learning aid. [pulls out a mobile made of Ultra Cola cans, and begins reading off a cue card] "Why, look, students. A three-dimensional model of our solar system, graciously provided by Ultra Cola. Ultra Cola: the favorite beverage in any universe." [sighs] "We can use it to discuss which planets' atmospheres might support the process of carbonation." Or I can just spend the rest of the day in the teachers' bathroom, staring at the tiles. [leaves]
[over P.A.] Good Ultra Cola morning, students. I am pleased to announce an Ultra Cola schedule change. From now on, the period between classes will be increased from five minutes to 10, allowing you more time to get to your Ultra Cola lockers, organize your Ultra Cola backpacks, and still enjoy a delicious Ultra Cola. Ultra Cola: the refreshing way to learn. [clicks off]
He meant well, for a teacher who does nothing well.
I'm reminded of my father.
Because I can't get the phrase, "damn idiot teachers with their damn idiot brains," out of my head.
[enters] Hey, Daria, congratulations. A published story, that's amazing.
[Kevin and Brittany approach them]
Um, it's not exactly published. I sent it in, but I haven't heard back.
Then why are you telling everybody that it's been published?
Oh, you know Daria and her compulsive need to impress.
Oh. But then instead of making up stuff about writing, shouldn't you pick something good?
How's this? During the day, I'm a mild-mannered student. But at night, I fight crime in a stretchy-stretchy costume.
Cool! I didn't know that.
Kevie, you're so gullible. [she drags Kevin away]
She wears it on weekends, come on.
You know, my mother gets Musings and their fiction is awful. I bet you'll have no trouble getting in.
Good luck. [she exits and Ms. Barch enters]
BMs. Barch
Daria, in the name of Jane Austin, Emily Dickinson, Anne Bronte, Emily Bronte, and Charlotte Bronte, I want to say, "You go, girl!"
That's just how they would have put it.
BMs. Barch
Er, uh, um, nobody. It certainly didn't come up during anything other than normal in-school chitchat among colleagues. Fully dressed. With no oils involved.
Ever have one of those moments that no shower, no matter the duration nor the temperature, can ever erase?
I'm leaning toward trauma-induced amnesia myself. Punch my head, would ya?
Daria · 137 quotes
