Daria Morgendorffer quotes from Daria

Daria

As far as I can make out "edgy" occurs when middlebrow, middle-aged profiteers are looking to suck the energy--not to mention the spending money--out of the "youth culture." So they come up with this fake concept of "seeming to be dangerous when every move they make is the result of market research and a corporate master plan".

Daria

Mom's resentful that she has to work so hard, which obscures her guilt about actually wanting to work so hard. Dad's guilty about being less driven than mom, but thinks it's wrong to feel that way, so he hides behind a smokescreen of cluelessness. Quinn wears superficiality like a suit of armor, because she's afraid of looking inside and finding absolutely nothing. And I'm so defendant that I actively work to make people dislike me so I won't feel bad when they do. Can I go now?

Jake

Girls, I just want you to know your mother and I realize it's not easy moving to a whole new town -- especially for you, Daria, right?

Daria

Did we move?

Jake

[laughs] I'm just saying you don't make friends as easily as... uh, some people.

Daria

[After seeing Quinn turning up the radio] Quinn for instance?

Jake

That's not what I meant. Not necessary. [Turns radio off] The point is, the first day at a new school is bound to be difficult...

Daria

[turns radio on and shouts] Speak up, Dad! Can't hear you!

Jake

Uh, where was I? [turns off radio] Oh, yeah...

Now, Quinn... what do you see here? [holds up a photo]

Quinn

It's a picture of two people talking.

That's right. Can you make up a little story about what it is they're discussing?

Quinn

I'm not even supposed to be taking this test. I'm exempt.

You won't be graded.

Quinn

Oh. Okay, then. Let's see... they've been going out for awhile, and he's upset because other people keep asking her out, and she saying she can't help it if she's attractive and popular, and besides, nobody ever said they were going steady, and if he does want to go steady he's got to do a lot better than movie, burger, back seat, movie, burger, back seat, because there are plenty of guys with bigger back seats waiting to take her someplace nice!

Very good, Quinn! Now, Dora, let's see if you can make up a story as vivid as your sister's.

Daria

It's Daria.

I'm sorry... Daria. What do you see in the picture, Dora?

Daria

Um... a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains.

Uh, there aren't any ponies. It's two people.

Daria

Last time I took one of these tests they told me they were clouds. They said they could be whatever I wanted.

That's a different test, dear. In this test, they're people and you tell me what they're discussing.

Daria

Oh... I see. All right, then. It's a guy and a girl and they're discussing... a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains.

Daria

These are really good. I didn't know you study life drawings.

Jane

Yeah, last summer.

Daria

[viewing one of Jane's sketches]: You're really bursting out of the picture frame here.

Jane

Oh, yeah...that particular model was quite bursty. I think she had her bursts done.

Daria

Speaking of which, Brittany invited me to her party.

Jane

No kidding, are you going?

Daria

Sure and after that I think I'll swallow glass. What? Do you wanna go?

Jane

Oh no I much rather stay home and listen to my brother practice the opening to Come As You Are. I bet I could get some great sketches there.

Daria

Well I'm sure there'll be plenty of people posing. If you wanna go just make believe that you're me. When you're popular, all unpopular people who look alike anyway.

Jane

[Takes Daria's glasses and pretends to be her] Hi, I'm Daria. Go to hell. [Takes off Daria's glasses] It won't work my face is too expressive.

Daria

So, what happened to Bobby Big-head?

Jane

I wasn't really interested.

Daria

Too bad. [holds up sock] Is this yours?

Jane

Okay, fine. He thought my head was a lollipop. Ready to go?

Daria

I was ready to go before we got here.

Daria

One more time: I am not taking a college prep course! Actually, I may just skip college and stay home. It'll save me the trouble of moving back in later.

Helen

Watch the road! Daria, if you don't get into a decent school your life will be ruined. End of discussion.

Quinn

Way to go, Mom! She can't get her way all the time.

Helen

Actually, Quinn, it wouldn't hurt if you took the course too.

Quinn

Wait a minute!

Daria

Maybe we can sit together!

Daria, I know it's only the first week of freshmen year, but I wonder if you'd consider transferring to the graduate school.

Daria

I'm not really sure I want to be a professional student.

But I don't want you to study. I want you to teach.

Daria

Well...

Not here, of course. On our Paris campus.

Daria

Oh! Okay.

Superb! Now I can use your dorm room to carry on affairs with some of the more beautiful undergraduates. Thank you!

Daria

How come even in my fantasies everyone's a jerk?

Hi, Daria. What's up?

Daria

I want to volunteer to work on the coffeehouse.

Fantastic! What made you change your mind?

Daria

Did anyone ever make you practice "Pop Goes the Weasel" on the flute every day for a year?

Um, no... but I once had to recite the Gettysburg Address wearing a rainbow wig and panties that said "Tuesday." Whatever made me want to join a fraternity. [laughs] Anyway, that's great! I guess you want to read one of your essays.

Daria

No, I wasn't actually thinking about performing.

Maybe that one about feeling like a big misfit whom everybody hates. The other kids will really relate to that. I know I do.

Daria

I don't know if that's such a great idea. That's the one that compares the sophomore class to barnyard animals. It names names.

Oh, yeah.

Daria

I'm really not much of a performer. I'm thinking more along the lines of fundraising?

Oh. Well, we're selling magazines, CDs, and wrapping paper. Jump in!

Daria

Can I go with my friend Jane?

Sure! She wants to help out?

Daria

Mmm-hmm. She's a big joiner.

Daria

How about, The Bleakness That Lies Ahead?

Jane

Too sentimental.

Daria

No Life, No Hope, No Future?

Jane

Too pie in the sky.

Daria

Mommy's Little Hypocrite?

Jane

Too much like a children's book.

Daria

I wish I were dead...

Jane

That sounds promising. Listen, you gotta give them something they'll really appreciate. Picture Kevin and Brittany drinking in your words like an elixir of knowledge. Heady... potent... seductive.

Daria

Are you marketing your own fragrance now? [sighs] I'm going to have to write something new for the occasion.

Daria

I'm sorry, Mrs. Bennett. I can't go to the mall. I have a skin condition.

What are you talking about, Daria?

Daria

If I'm in an enclosed space for too long, I get hives.

But you're in an enclosed space now.

Daria

Yes... and I'm really itchy?

Jane

These hives get bad, Mrs. Bennett, I've seen them. They drip with pus. [class reacts with revulsion and Daria glares at Jane] Just trying to help.

Daria

I feel sick. Can someone open a window?

Upchuck

Allow me, fair maiden. [tries to open the window, but fails]

Jane

I didn't know you got car sick.

Daria

I don't, usually. It's the fumes. It smells like- it smells like-

Jane

Teen Spirit?

Daria

Cheap perfume.

Jane

Brittany must be working up a sweat.

Daria

Isn't modeling for people who drop out of high school to pursue a career based solely on youth and looks, both of which are inevitably declared dead at age 25?

Do you have a point, Ms. Morgendorffer?

Jane

And don't fashion people squander their lives loudly worshiping all that is superficial and meaningless while the planet keeps riding a roller coaster to hell?

Modeling is a competitive field, yes, but the financial rewards are great. As principal, I'd be cheating our student body if I didn't allow them every opportunity to fulfill their potential.

Daria

Excuse me. Can we assume the financial rewards are great for the school as well?

That is really none of your business!

Daria

But I don't want to miss a lesson in applied economics. I'm trying to fulfill my potential.

The school is receiving a fee for its cooperation, but every cent is going to capital improvements! We're finally going to get those bulletproof skylights for the swimming pool.

Jane

Well, I for one am very excited about this. I can feel myself getting into the modeling spirit.

Excellent!

Jane

May I be excused? I'd like to go to the girls' room and vomit up breakfast.

Helen

Science is fascinating. Tell me all about it, honey.

Daria

I can't. I signed a confidentiality paper. The other scientists would be mad.

Helen

[groans] Oh, forget it, Daria. Quinn, how was your day?

Quinn

It sucked. First my teacher gave my paper on Cleopatra's makeup don'ts an "F" -- like he would know. Then my heel broke. Then, like, the day was almost over and only two guys had asked me out. Luckily, just before...

Helen

[pleading] Daria, please tell me about the project.

Daria

[sighs] It's about how behavior is affected by positive or negative reinforcement.

Helen

Sounds super.

Daria

Like... say, you have a friend who responds to everything you say with, "That's great!" This insincere reply is the same whether you saved a life or killed a bug, and thus becomes "negative reinforcement," causing you to withdraw from that person or persons.

Helen

Wow. That's fantastic!

Daria

In conclusion, this mouse, through no fault of my own Brittany, was repeatedly abused by a ten year old boy; as a result the mouse's primary response to everyday stimuli is fear. Similar reactions occur in humans: take the mugging victim beaten with nunchucks in an alleyway, as he or she recalls the attacker's face, his graggly goatee and cheap, dangly earring, she learns to hate and fear all men, regardless of age, race or taste in jewelry.

Kevin

Really?

Don't interrupt, hateful scum! [Smiling] Excellent job, Daria, you get an A.

Kevin

All right!

Not you, you man! You get a D!

Kevin

All right!