Man, I hate that guy! And how could you ditch me in my moment of need? He's trying to make me crazy, you know.
He clearly doesn't know who he's messing with!
[angrily] YOU HEAR ME IN THERE!? YOU CAN'T DRIVE ME MAD! I LAUGH AT YOU! [laughs angrily] YOU COME DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW SO I CAN BITE YOU! RARH! RARH! [grumbling to himself until Chris and Elise head to the car]
Bite his face off, that’s what I’ll do.
Calm down, Dan. Listen, I made it look like I was ditching you, but really I was sneaking away so I could-
You don’t need to explain. It’s like I told Chris when I was driving to your wedding. [Chris saddened] “Don’t marry Elise. She’s a jerk!”
What?! Okay, you are going to have to beg, and I mean BEG, on bended knee for me to help you now!
When the devil goes ice-skating, missy.
[They drop Dan off]
Some friends! Don’t expect my help when the people yout sent to jail for six months come back for revenge!
[Dan talks to the police officer at the police station]
PPolice Officer
Run this by me one more time.
Fine! There's this guy, okay? He tried to steal my identity.
PPolice Officer
While you were in jail?
No. HE went to jail, not me! But it was for something I did. Because he was me.
PPolice Officer
So he's you?
No! But kind of. And now he's a telemarketer who won't stop calling.
PPolice Officer
And then he attacked you?
Yes! He knocked me unconscious, so he could dress up as my cat, and redecorate my apartment!
He's trying to make it seem like I'm losing my marbles! Which I'm not!
PPolice Officer
I assure you sir, we will give this matter all the attention it deserves.
[voiceover] Which means none, of course.
PPolice Officer
Uh, hear what?
[voiceover] He can't hear the voices in your head silly. Come on.
[yelling] YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!
PPolice Officer
With pleasure. That door's that way.
[yelling] I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU!
[voiceover] Hey now, don't be a jerk.
PPolice Officer
Do not call me names, sir. I carry a gun.
I said, [yelling] I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU! I'M TALKING TO THE TELEMARKETER!
PPolice Officer
Oh, so he's here now?
[voiceover] That was very smooth.
[the police officer kicks Dan out of the police station for screaming at him]
[voiceover] Why are you so upset? We're having fun together. And this is only the beginning!
[yelling] He's in my brains! [runs off to Chris and Elise's house much to his horror] Sign me up for the laughing academy, Chris! Book me a room at the padded hotel!
He's done it! I'm completely round the bend! Yeah? Well no one asked you! Stupid voice in my head!
You're hearing the telemarketer in your head?
Uh-huh. Except when I ran under some power lines. Then it changed to smooth jazz for some reason.
OF COURSE NOT! [Elise covers his mouth with a towel as he faints]
[Dan chases the telemarketer through the street]
[whining] Oh no Dan. [heads to the police station]
You've got to help me! He's crazy! He's crazy!
PPolice Officer
Who's crazy?
PPolice Officer
You again? Put down the weapon, sir.
Back off, copper. This is between me and- [the police office teases him with a stun gun]
I don't wanna be rude but, he's still moving. Could you-
PPolice Officer
I really shouldn't, but okay. [he continues to tease Dan]
[at the end, Dan is in jail, bragging to the imposter that he can't be bothered by telemarketing calls]
[in jail] So in conclusion, I'm using my one phone call to let you know that, while it would appear to the untrained observer that I have lost this battle, I have, in fact, won. I get to spend the next 6 weeks in a place where no telemarketer can call me. So, ha-ha!
[in the lake fishing] Alright, Danno, I guess you did win. Man, that guy should learn to let stuff go. [whistles as the episode ends]
[Chris is eating popcorn as Dan comes to scare him]
How can you watch that filth?
How long have you been standing there?
Long enough to pity you. This afternoon, I was duped into being a puppet on a ridiculous reality show.
Hey! You're gonna be on TV! I don't want to be on TV!
I'm not an entertainer, Chris, I'm an entertainee. Which that slimeball fails to understand.
Who cares?! Some stupid producer. Buddy something. Let's go!
TTony
[on TV] Tune in next week when we get cozy at Ninja Dave's cookies. Until then, I'm Tony Minestrone, telling you to stay cozy. Or else.
BBuddy
[on TV] You just watched a Buddy Star production. Way to go, you.
Buddy Star! That's the guy who bamboozled me.
[as Elise comes home] Hey, honey! Want to come meet a famous reality TV producer before Dan ruins his life?
Ah! Thanks, but I'm not really into Reality TV. Or Dan. Besides, weren't we going to fix the water heater?
[Dan clears his throat as he leaves Chris and Elise's house]
You're right. One of us should probably stay.
How hard is it to turn off a TV?
BSBuddy Star
[on TV] This week on "Fake Date". An angry little man answers the wrong personal ad.
DDirector
[appears outside] What are you still doing here?
[throw pillows on the director's face] We've decided to beat you to death with throw pillows.
DDirector
Wait, to death? Stop! You don't have to do this.
Yes I do. Reality TV is the worst entertainment medium since witch-burning. If you want to entertain people, why don't you try making a real show? With fictional characters who live in impossibly convenient worlds?
DDirector
Hey, we'd all love to write a real show. But it's hard. I don't have any ideas.
Really? I have drawers full of stuff that could be on TV. Oh well. [pillow fights with the director]
DDirector
Wait, wait, wait wait! I have a thought. Look, all I want to do is produce television. If you've got better ideas, I will cancel every reality show on my roster. Come to my estate for lunch tomorrow. We'll talk. [Dan hits the director with a pillow]
[Dan is making a recipe]
KKelly
I love a guy who can cook! What are you making?
If you must know, a bomb.
KKelly
Wow! My grandma used to make those! Chocolate-cherry or peach-praline?
KKelly
I don't think I've ever tried that one.
And you never will. Because I'm about to incinerate every inch of this house. THEN HOW WILL YOU DO YOUR STUPID SHOW, BUDDY? [laughs eviliy]
KKelly
Oh, I get it. You're just mad because you found out the grand prize is just a trip to Adult Astronaut Sleepaway Camp.
What? Adult Astronaut Sleepaway Camp?
KKelly
Yeah, pretty lame, huh?
[gives Kelly a rose] Here ya go. Ah, the sweet stench of victory!
BBuddy
You won, big deal? We'll just have to keep reshooting it until you lose. Thanks for wasting everyone's time! [Buddy's phone rings] One sec. Uh huh. Uh huh. You too. That was the president of the network. He just canceled the show. Apparently the ratings were terrible. The only thing with less viewers was some Opera Documentary on Public Access.
Guess there won't be a reshoot after all.
BBuddy
I've never had a show cancelled before! Never!
Wanted to ruin a reality show, check. Wanted to ruin Buddy Star's life, check. Guess the only thing left to do is go to Astronaut Sleepaway Camp.
JJack
So, how about I take you on a real date sometime?
KKelly
Dude, I'm married. [leaves]
[at the end, Dan arrives at Adult Astronaut Sleepaway Camp]
It's just like I imagined. [he heads inside Adult Astronaut Sleepaway Camp] Hey, what is this?
AAnnouncer
Everyone, meet Dan. He's our last contestant on "They Told Me It Was Astronaut Sleepaway Camp But Instead I'm Trapped in a Steal Shipping Counter with a Ravenous Pack on Coyotes!"
[Dan screams as coyotes attack him inside the place as the episode ends]
[finds a quarter in the fountain] Yes! A quarter! Things are finally looking up. Ugggh. [sees a naked baby] What is wrong with parents today?
JJean
There you are, Kale. Are you enjoying your frolic?
I demand answers. Why isn't this savage wearing pants like the rest of us?
FFlynn
We subscribe to Dr. Davis-Siegel's child-led method of parenting.
JJean
I'm Jean Goodhill. This is my soul mate, Flynn Goodhill.
Back off, weirdos! And while you're at it, clothe your youngin'!
JJean
Sir, I think what you need is a hug. Kale! Get in there, buddy!
Wait! No! [splashes in the fountain as Kale is about to give him a hug] PAREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENTS!!!!!
[yelling in front of the store] And I'll say it again: JUST SAY NO TO PARENTHOOD! ONLY THEN WILL YOU BE ON THE PATH OF THE RIGHTEOUS! Over the course of a parent's life, their child will cost them more than $1,000,000! Money that could be spent on a yacht! A car made out of gold! Even one of those apes that knows sign language!
[a man runs off screaming by Dan]
[while walking with groceries] I still don't get why it's called it a farmer's market. They didn't even sell overalls.
At least we got all these great vegetables.
Don't throw your lives away on people who will only grow up to resent you! Don't believe me? Just ask my parents!
Wow, Dan. I guess I always knew you'd end up a raving derelict.
Sister, I am cutting off parenting at its source. Can I get a DAN'S GREAT?
OK Dan, people don't need to be told how to be parents. And if they do, not by you. They can just go to Toddler Todd's Tykeland.
What in the name of all things unholy is Toddler Todd's Tykeland?
It's where everyone goes to learn all the latest parenting techniques.
Well I started doing some research. Eventually, you and I are gonna wanna have chil--
[he and Dan head off to the car] OK, Dan. I'll help you. [in the car with Dan] Oh man, oh man, she's she's already dropping the "c" word. I mean what am I gonna do?
That's easy. I know a great divorce attorney. Well, not great, but he did represent my dad. I wonder whatever happened to the old man.
Well, you should write him sometime.
Why would I write to a divorce attorney? [he and Chris arrive in the parking lot of Toddler Todd's Tykeland] Here's what we're going do: cover you in maple syrup, roll you in feathers. Then you go in-
Whoa. I'm not- not going an- not going anywhere near kids. I'm freaked out enough.
[as he leaves the car] Baby!
[arrives at Toddler Todd's Tykeland while two little boys come close to him such as getting sprayed in the face and grossed out by a kid with boogers] Ah! Ahem! [he goes on stage while a little boy hugs his leg with another little boy following him as he gets ready to give attention to everyone] Ahem!!!! [he grunts as a little kid hits him with a floatable hammer and kicks the recorder off the table] May I have your attention please? [angrily] SHUT UP!!! [normal voice] I'd like to inform you that Toddler Todd hasum, been arrested. For clown trafficking. [the baby cries much to Dan's yelling] Yeah. I'm your substitute toddler guy, Dan. Now who here has heard of the DAN Method? I'm not surprised, considering you're all awful parents! But there is hope! Let me break it down for you. DAN stands for discipline, action, knowledge. The 3 pillars of parenthood.
Jean Goodhill. We met earlier in the park. I'm not sure I understand. Well, Jean- [Jean's baby continues crying] Are you going to get that? In child-led parenting, we believe babies have the right to express themselves. Oh do you now? Watch and learn. Ahem. [imitating baby noises to Jean's baby] WHAAA!!! WHAA!! THAT'S WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE!!! BLOO GLEE GLAA!!
TTodd
[pops out of the car's trunk] This is no way to treat the Child Educator of the Year.
[the kids are working at Toddler Todd's Tykeland much to Dan's dismay]
Kale, I need you to scrape the mold out of the AC unit. You love this thing, right? [yells at Kale] BACK TO WORK! [Kale leaves] Did everyone see how I parented Kale? I incorporated all aspects of the DAN Method. I DISCIPLINED him by making him scrape mold. I ACTED when I destroyed his favorite toy. And I-
JJean
Dan, I know the kids are well-behaved right now, but couldn't the DAN Method give them long-term psychological damage?
Who cares? It's better than your enabling, coddling, spoiling nonsense.
JJean
I really hope you don't have kids. You'd make an awful parent.
What are you talking about? If I wanted to, I could be the best parent in the world!
TTodd
[shows up injured] Help me! I've been assaulted!
There's a simple explanation- [he runs off to Chris]
Hey, Dan, question for you-
No, it didn't go well in there. Sometimes you can't reach people with words alone. You have to lead by example. Chris, I've decided to become a father.
[Dan is having an interview at adoption agency]
Sure. The pictures are cute. You can't smell them in pictures.
IInterviewer
Okay, next question. Do you have a preference between boy or girl?
Well, women are kinder, gentler, naturally more compassionate. But men do get paid more. Boy.
IInterviewer
Okeydokey. And would you like a child that is American, foreign, or swirl?
Hmm, what do you think, Chris?
IInterviewer
I think this whole thing is a huge mistake, and I won't let you do it.
IInterviewer
Just sign here and you're all set.
Dan, if you have any respect for me or what I think, you won't sign that. Oh, Dan. What have you done?
So should I pull the car up, or does he already know how to walk?
IInterviewer
Actually, your baby boy won't arrive for 6-8 years. There's quite a wait list for healthy infants.
But I wanted to drive home a new child today.
IInterviewer
I'm afraid the only way we could get you a kid right now is if you were willing to somehow settle.
What do you mean, "settle"?
[the interviewer is giving Dan a tour]
IInterviewer
This is where we keep the, [whispering] uh ahem, irregulars.
It can't hurt to do a little window shopping. Uh, maybe not this one. Oh, she's cute. She can be the backup plan. Who's in here?
KKid
[in an evil voice] This is not my true form.
[on the phone] Elise, you gotta help me. I'm at the adoption agency with Dan and he's trying to take home a kid.
What? There's no one less qualified to be a parent than Dan.
You don't have to tell me. A child would be better off floating down a river in a basket.
Not like you, the strong, nurturing type. You were born to be a father.
