[at the end, Dan and Dennis go out of the store as the police officer helps Dennis' mom picks Dennis up]
So what's your bedtime? [gasps as Dennis' mom arrives]
DMDennis' Mom
There you are, Dennis. You're coming with me.
What are you talking about? He's mine. I won him fair and square.
DMDennis' Mom
Dan, he'll never be yours.
Why? Everything I did was in self-defense.
DMDennis' Mom
It's not just that.
Your background check also came back. [whistles] I don't care what Homeland Security says.
DMDennis' Mom
I know I'm the best parent for Dennis. Well, I care. And unfortunately for you, I make the decision. Dennis is going with the Goodhills. Oh, yeah? What makes you qualified to decide? I'm a parent.
[angrily grunts] Just give me a moment. Promise me you'll steal from them every chance you get.
DMDennis' Mom
Oh, I will.
So what do you think, Elise? Should we have a kid? [sees Dan thumb wrestle with Dennis]
Yeah. Maybe a dog's the way to go.
[Dan arrives at Gigundo-Mart]
Welcome to Gigundo-Mart. May I-may I- [coughs] May I see your membership card?
Nah. I'll just take a pat down.
Sorry, sir. We don't do pat downs. Members only.
Oh, in that case. [he runs inside Gigundo-Mart, only to be caught by the Gigundo-Mart Greeter]
That's how we did it on San Juan hill.
I'll see myself out. San Juan Hill? Not my fault that guy had a bad vacation in Puerto Rico. [gasps as he saw Chris what he bought from Gigundo-Mart] Ah-ha! So the truth is revealed
You're sleeping with the enemy.
I'm not sleeping with anyone. Plus, this isn't the enemy. It's just a store. They sell things. Things you might even want to buy. Lighter fluid, crow bars.
My crowbar is almost worn down to the nub. But I'm not gonna buy one here!
Right, you can't. They come in an 8 pack. Look, I like Gigundo-Mart's buck busting values on things I use every day. Help me with these raccoon traps?
I will not be an enabler. Either boycott this behemoth or this friendship is finito.
So it's your way or the highway?
Get this straight bulk-head: there is no highway! Just a lonely road with you on it!
My choco-dillas are melting. I'll see you later. [drives away]
[heads inside Gigundo-Mart and makes an annoucement on the microphone] Attention sample gobblers, and you! The guy with his face in the 29 cent pizza! This is a public service announcement. Exposure to Gigundo-Mart may cause dizziness, headache, nausea, and an unnatural attraction to bison or elk- [he ends up getting choked by the greeter]
[has Dan in a neck-lock] I learned this move on the [cough], on the beaches of Normandy.
Shooting out or shooting in? [Gigundo-Mart Greeter angrily kicks him out and lands on the parking lot seeing the sign of Gigundo-Mart] You shut up!
[at Ninja Dave's Cookies] Out of the way! I need a chewey chipster stat! Hey, where is everybody? [finds Wally sitting down]
At Gigundo-Mart, they sell a cookie the size of a manhole cover for 50 cents.
Yeah, Ninja Dave is in back crying. He gonna have to close too.
GIGUNDO-MAR- Oh wait! I already did that. It was one thing when they took away my explosives. But if they want my cookies, they'll have to pry them from my cold dead fingers. I can't believe you don't have any explosives left.
Well what?! You holding out on me?
There is my private reserve. But I was saving it for the in-laws.
Fine. I guess you're prepared to live in a world without chocolate chip ninja-doodles. [walks away]
I can't believe you had a nuclear briefcase the whole time I've known you.
If what you said is true, this thing'll vaporize everything within a quarter mile. So we should probably set the timer for 30 seconds just to be safe.
[reading the sign] Oh, they're hiring.
Well, I do need a new job. I heard this place has great benefits.
What about the cookies? [angrily grabs Wally by the suit] Think of the cookies man!
I need to cut down on sugar anyway.
Fine! Run away! You are a disgrace to arms dealers everywhere! [sees Elise walking by] Elise, what are you doing here?
Taking this place down. I hate what Gigundo-Mart's done to my husband.
Pssh! What can you do that I can't? [Elise shrinks a car] Awesome! Gimme, gimme!
Gimme! [they engage in SR51 tug-of-war, Elise's phone rings]
Hello? Chris, calm down. The first step is admitting you have a problem. Can you do that?
[using his foot as a hand on his phone to talk to Elise, he is having withdrawal symptoms] NO! Must...go...shop... So cold...
Chris, these are withdrawal pains from going cold turkey.
Oh, they have such great deals on cold turkey. Pickle relish by the drum... Six pack of lawn mowers... Psychiatric help five cents, the doctor's in.
Let me talk to him. Maybe I can help. [Elise hands Dan her phone to talk to Chris] Hey, Chris, buddy, havin' a hard time?
Good! That's what you get for letting me down!
Dan! [Dan gives Elise her phone back, gives the SR51 to Dan] Chris, hand in there and- [Dan runs off] Hey!
[Dan hijacks the shopping cart, Elise chases him, the kid laughs, they enter inside Gigundo-Mart, the greeter looks at Dan while Wally is showing his membership card]
[as he starts shrinking items] B-bye, bulk bargains.
[gets scared and shrinks Elise] Wow.
Dan, you have dug your own grave.
Aawww, look at the itty-bitty Elise. Whose got the teeny tiny angry face? You do. Yes, youuuu. [Elise twists him and he traps her in a jar]
Dan! Turn me back right now!
I can't hear you! [puts the jar on the shelf] Stay there and be small and insignificant till I get back. [while the Gigundo-Mart Greeter seek revenge, Dan looks himself at the TVs] Huh, Chris is right, I do need a moisturizer. [he shrinks one TV and finds more to shrink but the Gigundo-Mart Greeter hits him by the flat stretcher leaving him wet] Hey! Whoaaaah!
You've breached our perimeter for the last time, sonny!
Back away, old man! And nobody gets shrunk!
I'll never abandon my post. I'll defend Gigundo-Mart until the day I die. Or 'til my shift ends. [he throws an heavy object to Dan as Dan shrinks it, hitting Dan in the head]
Don't say I didn't warn you.
[as Dan continues to shrink many items to defeat the Gigundo-Mart Greeter, Elise breaks the jar and frees herself out landing on Dan's head causing Dan to be knocked out, she looks at one of the mirrors and tries turns herself back to large]
Note to self: make the SR51 lighter. [the Gigundo-Mart Greeter finds her] Uh-oh. [turns herself back to large] Ugh. That's better. [she shrinks the cheese spray large as it lands on the Gigundo-Mart Greeter]
Ugh. Okay, Guess I'll take my break now.
Now, Elise. Aren't you always saying that revenge is a small minded solution? Or something stupid?
Get out of my way! [Dan leaves as she shrinks the nuts jar]
CCustomer
Hey! That's not a good price for such a tiny amount of food. This place is lousy.
[Elise shrinks various items around the store which makes customers leave and complain]
[satisfied] Well, my work here is done.
Mine isn't. [she shrinks the Gigundo-Mart store]
AAnnouncer
You're listening to K-L-I-E, the Lie! The Lie! All conspiracy theories, all the time. Now, before we give you proof that Bigfoot is working for the Vatican, it's time to- [Chris picks Dan up as he turns off the radio and drives away with him]
Shhh! That's right, we're honoring the 25th anniversary of the film, "Space Monkeys from Planet Space" by giving away another awesome prize!
Space Monkeys from Planet Space? That is the greatest movie of all time!
AAnnouncer
We're actually giving away the actual Space Monkey Death Ray Gun used by Captain Jack Tatterson.
The gun Captain Tatterson used to defeat the Blorg at the top of Mount Climax.
Sending all the monkeys into the green-screen abyss of planet space.
AAnnouncer
Alright, the Space Monkey Death Ray Gun will go to the 97th caller who can tell me the name of the Space Monkeys from Planet Space's Cinematographer's 3rd Grandchild's elementary school.
DCDan and Chris
William Henry Harrison!
AAnnouncer
Hi, you're on KLIE, The Lie! The Lie! Can you tell me the name of the cinematographer's 3rd Grandchild's elementary school?
AAnnouncer
Uh-we'll take it!
[Dan and Chris cheer but Chris' car goes out of control]
[in his apartment with his rewards] And now for the piece de resistance.
[comes in] Behold the deadly elegance of the death ray.
[takes the death ray away from Chris] You can leave now, Chris. I'd like some time alone with my new toy.
YOUR new toy? Dan, I was the one who called in and answered the trivia question.
You wouldn't have even known about the contest if I didn't tell you about it. PLUS I was the one who introduced you to Space Monkeys in the 1st place!
I won the contest fair and square. The Death ray is mine.
Is this really how you want to treat your best friend? After all I've done for you? [throws the pizza box to Chris as he leaves]
Ow! [he catches his death ray as it drops]
Be careful! You could have broken my precious death ray!
Don't come any closer. I'll drop it. I swear.
You sure you want to find out? Sorry, Dan. This is my death ray. And you can't have it! [in a normal voice] Feel free to visit it though. [leaves Dan's apartment with his death ray]
DAAAGH! [breaks the pizza box over his knee and storms outside] CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!!!
[Chris and Elise arrive in their room as they see Dan sawing through the wall as he tries to get Chris' death ray out of the wall]
Hey folks! Almost done here, I'll be our of your hair in no time.
Reclaiming what is rightfully mine.
[angrily] What is wrong with you?! First you stink up my house, and now you cut it in half?
All because you're too selfish to let your best friend keep the measly little toy he won?
I'll have you know that measly little toy saved the entire human race from being enslaved by SPACE YETIS!
Technically, it was the monkeys that were first enslaved.
I know, Chris. You explained it to me on our wedding night.
As much as I'm enjoying this chit-chat, I do have work to do. [as he continues sawing through the wall to get the death ray out, Elise angrily kicks him out of their house] This isn't over! [Elise also throws a skunk at him too]
[while walking through town] You don't tell me what the plan is, I tell YOU what the plan is. Huh. I have that same poster. And I have that exact foosball table. Weird. [sees two people dressed up as Dan] Wait a minute! [he runs to his apartments] Unhand my cat, you wretch!
OOld Lady
[falls down through the stairs] Oh, my poor old lady hip!
[angrily arrives at his apartment] You!
Hey, Dan. I figured that since you can't tell the difference between your stuff and my stuff.
You gave everything away? Even my box of Dan's special memories?
All of it. How does that feel? [Dan angrily throws the grende to Chris] Was that a grenade? [Dan attacks and chokes him but he throws Dan off of him] Congratulations, Dan. Now your apartment is as bleak and empty as your soul. Have a nice day!
Chris is going to get his! I don't care if he DID leave me with my cereal and milk. [eats his cereal and milk but he realize it was cream] What? Oh, no! Oh you no good, rotten- uurrgghh! [lands on the floor] Mr. Mumbles You have to kill me. Please. I don't know how! Just do it!
[Dan dresses up as a burglar at Chris and Elise's garage with a grenade]
Come on, lucky hand grenade. Don't fail me now. Whup! [he drops the grenade to the floor]
[comes in to the garage] Hello? Is someone in here? [the lights turn on as he stand on the letter X] Huh. Was this X always that big? Where did all this stuff come from? [he turns the light on and off, as the grenade gets stuck in the machine causing a disaster] Uh Elise? [runs off]
What I wouldn't give for 6 gallons of hummus right now.
[comes in his and Elise's room] Uh, honey? I don't want to alarm you, but where do we keep the fire extinguisher?
EElise
It's under the--wait, why!?
[Chris and Elise head down to the garage with the fire extinguisher to spray the fire as Dan gets the grenade out of the machine]
Come on, you stupid- [takes the grenade out] Finally! [he leaves but is stopped by Elise and Chris]
[the fire truck sirens as the fire fighters are spraying down the garage while Elise's parents stop by to Chris and Elise's house]
EElise
Dan happened. He was setting some kind of trap and burned our garage down.
And Chris, you didn't get shipped anywh-uh. Are you okay?
EElise
I'm not fine, Chris. I don't care if you have to cut the ray gun in half, you need to settle this now!
You're right, Elise. The answer's been staring me in the face all along. You won't have to worry about this anymore.
Dan's house. To end this. [he angrily leaves as Elise's parents are shocked]
After all I've done for you! [whacks Dan in the face] You burn my house? [whacks Dan] For the last time, you can’t have my toy! [whacks Dan in the face 3 times]
[angrily] IT'S! [grabs his weapon] MY! TOY!!! [throws Chris, Dan presses the shock button, electric plug pops up, he hits the ground and shocks Chris and punches him off the cliff]
Wake up! It's getting good.
[Dan goes to Chris who is holding on the ledge as Elise runs up, Dan tries to finish him off, sees flashbacks from "Barber", "Magician", and "Wolf-Man", flashback ends]
Last I checked, you were about to send me plummeting to my death.
[drops the weapon off the cliff] You don't get off that easy. Give me your hand. [Chris grabs Dan's hand and he is saved]
I was going to. But then I thought, "Nah, I'm going home". We'll talk about this tomorrow.
[rain stops and sun rises]
[Chris arrives at Dan's apartment and finally gives his Death Ray Gun to Dan]
Here, Dan. A Death Ray should never come between friends. I want you to have it.
Thanks, Chris. This means a lot. I don't really have anywhere to put it, though. My Dan's box of special memories! You didn't give it away after all.
Nope. I couldn't bring myself to. Hey, they're doing a 25th anniversary screening of Space Monkeys tonight. You want to go?
You bet, buddy. [Chris closes the door, then he puts his Death Ray Gun in his locker along with the grenade, and then puts his box of special memories under the bed] Ah, there's nothing quite like friendship, is there, Mr. Mumbles? [Mr. Mumbles meows while Dan is in the bathroom] Huh. What's this X doing on the floor? Oh, no. [gets caught by a trap in the bathroom] Oh, come on!
