Why can't we just call Honey and warn her instead?
Because I forgot to get her number.
S2 E10The Catburglar
S2 E11The Dinosaur
DWDock Worker 1
We gotta take a look! You know what I heard what's inside?
DWDock Worker 2
For the last time, we ain't suppose to look in the crates!
DWDock Worker 1
I'll tell you what. I'll give you three hints.
DWDock Worker 2
Can we drop this?! I’m gonna be late for pilates!
DWDock Worker 1
Hint one: It's ain't supposed to exist Hint two: He's half spider, half man Hint three: He fights crime.
DWDock Worker 2
Give me a break! Spider-
DWDock Worker 1
Shhh! You're gonna wake him up.
DWDock Worker 2
He’s a fictional character!
DWDock Worker 1
Word on the dock is he's based on a real guy. I gotta get an autograph. [opens the latch as the dinosaur escapes]
DWDock Worker 2
You’re gonna need a bigger pen.
A dinosaur, [finds out that his car was destroyed] JUST RUINED MY CAR! YOU BETTER HAVE GOOD AUTO INSURANCE! Wait. Where are you going? We have to exchange information! [the dinosaur leaves Dan's neighborhood] DINOSAUR!
[finds Dan outside] Dan! Are you alright?
Absolutely not. I have been wronged Chris. Horribly, horribly, wrong!
Yeah, sorry about that. Ben's just-
By a dinosaur.
Learning to- What?
I saw it with my own eyes. And I trust my eyes, Chris. A mid-sized tyrannosaurid theropod, probably female. She ruined my car and she's going to pay. I haven't figured out how exactly because I doubt a T-Rex carries a wallet. Not with those- stupid little arms.
You don't seriously expect me to believe you saw a dinosaur, do you?
Since when do I care what to believe? I just need a ride.
I'm in the middle of giving Ben a driving lesson.
Which is clearly a huge success. Besides, you hate Ben. You always talk about how annoying he is behind his back.
I do not. I don't.
BBen
Whatever, fatso.
I am giving Ben a lesson because I love my brother-in law and because Elise has a work thing.
This is perfect! Ben needs to drive around town, I need to get around town. Question is: are you willing to drive fast, break the law as necessary and avoid dinosaur attacks?
BBen
I mean, I've avoided them up to now.
Dan, Ben can't have any distractions while he's driving. That includes chasing your hallucinations.
Get in, Ben. There's no room in this car for doubting Thomases.
[Ben gets inside Chris' car]
I don't know what you think you saw, but it's scientifically impossible for dinosaurs to exist.
S2 E12Stupidity
Turn off the idiot-box, Chris. We have work to do.
Just once, I'd like you to open with "Hey, Chris! How are you today?"
Grow up. We have to end stupidity in this country once and for- What are you watching? Is that guy eating a bucket of mayonnaise?
It's a competitive eating contest. Want to watch with us?
This is your "must-see" television show?
Yep. The Gullet Bowl. What? It's good.
I'm not going to say anything, Chris. I'm just going to give you the slow, sad, head-shake of disapproval.
What are you doing here, Dan?
What are YOU doing here, Elise? I could see Chris watching this drivel, but I'd expect better from you.
Oh, he's not just watching it.
He's going to compete this year. That's right! In the deep-fried bacon eating contest. I've finally found my sport!
There are so many things wrong with that statement I don't even know where to begin. You actually want him to do this?
Of course not. It's terrible for his health. But you can't stand between Chris and empty calories.
I come over here to enlist your aid in destroying the stupidity epidemic, and instead I find myself knee-deep in it!
It's not an epidemic, Dan.
Sure it is! And it's getting worse. Every aspect of our society is serving to make us dumber.
Come on.
Spell-check means you don't have to spell. People don't use encyclopedias, they just get the wrong information from the Internet!
Dan, could you move? You're blocking the TV.
But.
AOAnnouncer on TV
Wow, folks, Thompson's just CRAMMING those fishsticks into his gullet He's the one to beat.
Listen to you! Our whole society is getting dumber as we speak. TV shows just quote older TV shows.
Even if you're right, Dan, how do you expect to-
AOAnnouncer on TV
We now pause for breaking news from the Government Action Center for Action in Los Angeles.
Aw, I wanted to see how the contest ends!
With clogged arteries for the contestants.
AOAnnouncer on TV
Let's go live to the Governor of California, with a special announcement.
Well, hello. My fellow Californians. I'll get right to it. Due to budget cuts, the school year is being downsized to 3 months. Also, textbooks will be replaced by the Internet. So, uh, that's happening. [laughs] Yes sir.
MMan
Mr. Governor? Is this a good idea? Further cuts in education?
Are you saying you WANT higher taxes?
MMan
I'm just asking if the school system will be able to-
I don't know about that, son. I just let the teachers teach. Because unlike you, I believe in America.
MMan
I believe in America, too. It's good, then we're in agreement.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
AOAnnouncer on TV
Thank you Governor! And now, back to the Gullet Bowl!
I think I know where to start. Come on, Chris, let's go talk to the Governor.
I should get something to eat anyway. Gotta stretch out the guts. [walks out of the house]
Gross!
You have no idea. He's been sweating bacon fat.
[Dan and Chris head inside the Action Center for Action]
I demand to see the Governor.
BFAgent Bro-face
Whizza-what?
The Governor!
BFAgent Bro-face
Happy-pologies, scuba tank. No doma. Yerba mat-tay.
This is going nowhere. I think physical violence is our only recourse.
Agreed.
[Dan angrily grabs the Agent Bro-face's shirt]
BFAgent Bro-face
Hey! Don't squeezy the cheesy, bro faces!
[angrily] I WANT TO SEE THE GOVERNOR!
Uh, maybe I can help you with that. [laughs]
Finally.
You're Eminence.
What are you doing?
I don't know what the correct greeting is for a governor. Do you curtsy?
So, uh, why are you assaulting my work release volunteer?
That is not important. I am a constituent and I have some grievances. Which you, as an elected official, are legally required to listen to and resolve.
I don't think he's legally-
Of course, son. I'd, well, I'd love to hear your complaints.
Thank you. First of all-
Just e-mail them to my office and I promise they'll be read.
[yelling] BY WHOM, THIS GUY?!
BFAgent Bro-face
Like I can read.
That's not good enough. I demand immediate and comprehensive attention.
Oh I can do that.
[Dan and Chris get kicked out of the Action Center for Action by the Governor of California]
Hey! Let go! Ow! Well, I'm sure not voting for that guy again.
[Dan and Chris are sitting together at a diner]
I think I'm going with a double order of mozzarella sticks, some onion rings, and a large fries. Hey, when it gets here, time me!
[furious] Ugh! For the last time, no!
An athlete needs a support network, Dan. Don't you want to me my athletic supporter?
Don’t make this weird!
I need to find out if I have what it takes. I mean, I'm a pretty gifted amateur, but some of these guys have been training since childhood.
[the Governor of California heads to the diner]
There he is!
[Dan and Chris walk up to the Governor of California]
And that's why, back on the farm, they used to-
So, Governor, we meet again.
Your majesty.
We're here to talk to you about concerns we have regarding the growing stupidity epidemic.
Well, heh, I always have time for constituents.
Okay, first off, Chihuahuas are not real dogs.
I agree.
So anyone who purchases one should be thrown in jail.
I'll have to take a look at the polling on that one.
Second, we can't cut education any further. We're falling behind the rest of the world in math and science at an alarming rate.
Good. Science is for nerds. And hypocrites.
What?
Scientists. You know they say Pluto's not even a planet anymore? We're down a planet because of them! Do you have any idea what effect that will have on our economy?
Uh no. What?!
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for Humongobots 6.
Are you kidding me?!
Oh, I never joke about Humongobots, son. I saw the first 5. Or maybe I saw one of 'em 5 times. [laughs] I'm not sure!
You are part of the problem!
Why do you hate America?
I don't hate America, I love America! That's why I want to make it better!
You can't improve on perfection! I read that on the inside of an iced tea bottle cap! USA! USA!
GCGovernor of California and Chris
USA! USA! USA! USA!
[Dan and Chris are in the storage room]
There has to be something here we can use as a weapon.
I'm just seeing a lot of video games. Most of which I own.
Ah, ha! [picks up the fire ant farm] New plan. We tie the Governor down and put fire ants down his pants until he agrees to stop making us dumber. Ooh! Ooh! What did you find? A weapon?
[picks up a mini-fryer] A mini-fryer!
A what?
It's a portable deep-fat fryer! This is really going to take my eating game to the next level.
Come on, let's get back to the Governor's office so we can ambush him.
[Dan and Chris are at the Governor's office with their equipment]
[takes out the fire ant farm from the box] Yes, my pretties. Soon you will have a target for your horrible, painful bites. Yesss.
I'm going to make sure this thing works. [he plugs the fryer as he and Dan quickly hide as the Governor of California comes]
[whispering] He's coming! Get ready!
[he gets the fryer from the Governor of California's desk but he realizes that his butt is on fire] Oh, no. [he runs around in circles] Ahh! Ahhh! I'm on fire! Help me!
I'm on it, buddy! [he uses the fire extinguisher to spray Chris but he misses] When are you going to learn to hold still!? [shocked as there is fire ants on his fire] You were supposed to be on MY side! Ow! I'll teach you to bite me, you little pests! Ow! Ow! [he hits himself with a stick while Chris is running around as the Governor of California comes in his office]
[on the phone] Our work in America is finished. Pack up. We're moving all stupidity operations to China. Pardon me.
[gets tripped by the Governor of California] Wahhh-oof! [as fire is off him] Thank you.
You’re quite welcome. There's a garden hose out back. You can wash the ants off.
[voiceover] I'll get you for this!
Highly unlikely! Good day. [leaves his office]
[the doctor picks up Chris with an ice pack on his butt]
BFAgent Bro-face
I spent 10 months undercover and you ruin it in one day. Do you have any idea of what this investigation cost the taxpayers?
A lot?
BFAgent Bro-face
I'm out of here. Dancing Shadow.
Agent Bro-Face. How are you? Okay, I guess. I know what will make you feel better. Let's get you some deep-fried bacon.
[at the end, Chris ends up in the hospital sick]
In retrospect, that may have been a mistake.
S2 E13The Telemarketer
[on the phone, walking around, furious] For the last time, I'm not looking for a great career! [Chris' drives by Dan's apartment] It's too much work! [hangs up] Aargh!! [to Chris] You would not believe the morning I had!
Oh? Did you finally realize that your anger is a defense mechanism that prevents you from meaningful introspection?
I have been repeatedly-
What?!
No. What are you--?! Never mind. I have been inundated with-- [his phone rings] Arrgh! One second. Hello? No, I do not want a subscription to "Knitting Today!" These stupid telemarketers have been calling me every 5 minutes since 9 this morning! And, call me crazy here, but they all sound like the same guy.
Yes. Telemarketers are wretched, soulless creatures, indistinguishable from one another, kept alive by evil magics to plague the world of the living.
Weren't you a telemarketer?
Those were dark times.
[picks up the call] Hello?
[on phone] Hello, sir. Would you love to donate to the "Save the Tapeworms" foundation? Hmm?
STOP CALLING ME!
Give me your phone. That should do it. I put you on the super-do-not-call list. It blocks your number from every telemarketing phone bank in the country.
Good. Now buy me lunch.
[while Chris and Elise are sleeping, Elise wakes up in the middle to hear Dan watching TV late at night]
Chris! Did you hear that?
Are you calling this ship because the ship you're on has been captured?
Never mind. I'll handle it. [she does ninja moves as she goes down to the living room to find Dan watching TV] Dan.
Oh, hey Elise. You can't sleep either?
I WAS sleeping just fine. How did you get in?
Kitchen window was unlocked. Hey, since we're both up, how about you, toddle into the kitchen and make us some dairy-free cocoa?
What are you doing here?
Waiting for my cocoa, Elise. Chop-chop!
Last chance before I de-bone you. What are you doing in our living room?
I told you already, I can't sleep. They keep calling me.
Who does?
Telemarketers! It's like you don't even listen.
Why don't you turn your phone off?
I can't. What if Chris needs me in the middle of the night? Sometimes when a person is in a toxic relationship, they need a friend they can talk to.
Okay, this has been a hoot and a half, but if you don't leave right now I'm going to emasculate you.
I think you mean eviscerate.
I know what I said.
[wakes up as he goes to the living room] Elise? You coming back to- Hey, Dan. What are you doing here?
Chris, I'm glad you're up. Go make me some cocoa.
Dan! You are leaving!
I can't! The telemarketers know my every step! I think they work for some kind of shadowy quasi governmental organization.
Trust me, you are of no interest to the intelligence community.
Then how do you explain how they know where I am at all times?
They don't! [phone rings] Hello? It's for you.
Yes? [angrily] NO, I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR DELOUSING SERVICE! HOW DID YOU GET THIS NUMBER? [hangs up and the phone rings again] Well?!
Chris, would you make us some cocoa?
[while Chris is making cocoa, Dan and Elise are sitting down on the table while Elise is using her computer]
They can mess with Dan all they want. But call MY house? I don't think so.
67 voicemail messages? Since when do they leave voicemails?
I kind of miss telemarketing. Good hours, steady work until they outsourced all the call center positions.
Then let's get on a plane to India and kick some butts!
It's probably a little premature to fly halfway around the world.
Oh, you're so smart? What are you doing? And what is taking so long with the cocoa?!
Good cocoa takes time.
I'm hacking the companies the telemarketers were advertising to find out who does their cold calling.
That could take forever!
Let the record show I was done before Chris.
Do you want good cocoa, or rushed cocoa?
Looks like it's the company you used to work for, after all.
I knew it! I'm flying to Mumbai.
You'll be about 87 hundred miles off, then.
How do you mean?
They outsourced to Reseda.
What? That's just 10 miles away. I would have commuted there.
Come on, guys. It's up to us to stop this evil menace from destroying countless lives!
As long as we're back by brunch. [leaves the kitchen]
Are you coming?
[angrily] You do NOT ask me to make cocoa in the middle of the night and then leave before it's ready!
[worried] But-
[angrily] SIT DOWN!
[Dan, Chris, and Elise are drinking hot chocolate together]
[satisfied] Okay, that's really good.
[Dan, Chris, and Elise head to an office]
According to the call logs, all the calls to Dan's phone were made by the same employee. Him.
I'll handle it from here. [angrily] ALRIGHT, YOU FILTHY TELEMARKETER! YOU!
Hey, it's that guy who stole Dan's identity and tried to ruin his life.
Hiya, Dan. How've you been?
[Dan is shocked about the telemarketer]
It's me! I mean, I'm you! I mean, you know who you are! Stop calling me!
Oh, I can't do that now, can I? Not after I spent 6 months in jail because the police thought I was YOU!
Because you stole my identity! Whose fault is that?
So I should just let it go then?
I WOULD!
By the way, hi, Chris and Elise. You guys look stunning! You do. Have you been working out? tell? tell? Oh stop, you.
Hey! Don't be charmed by this miscreant! Need I remind you that he's calling your house, too?
Dan's right. I get one more sales call at 4am and you find out how hard it is to dial without fingers.
Whoa now, tigress. I'm gonna have to put you on a leash. I don't have a problem with you guys. I won't call you anymore. Heh?
Huh. Alright, then.
And you'll stop calling me, too?
[laughs] It's adorable that you think that.
Oh, come on! Look, I got you thrown in jail. Fine. But this is just sub-human.
Listen man-cookie. I learned all about "sub-human" on cellblock 2.
Well, I got what I wanted. I'll be outside.
I demand to know why you've called me over 200 times in the last 24 hours.
Ha. Maybe I have a dream, Dan. You ever think of that?
Um, I had not thought of that..
Maybe I just want to be the best telemarketer I can be.
You'd, uh, probably be better at it if you called more than one person.
Chris has a point. Maybe that's not my dream after all.
[yelling] STOP PLAYING GAMES AND TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT!
To drive you absolutely batty. Nutso. Around the bend. And I have to say, I don't expect it to take long. Now, I've enjoyed our little chat here, but if you don't leave immediately, I'll have you arrested for trespassing. And Dan? We're on parole.
[angrily as Chris is dragging him] YOU ABYSMAL EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING! I WILL FIND A WAY TO-
I'll call you.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Dan Vs. pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.